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Original poster

How do I handle this, and should I handle this?

69 replies

Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 01:00

I have a lovely boyfriend. He really is amazing.
Only I have trust issues, which I am working on and he is always willing to help or reassure me if and when I need it.

However, he has a lot of female friends. Some of which he spends time with. One is even an ex, but he doesn't spend time with her, only messages.

Now I try my hardest to accept that he has female friends and that there is nothing wrong with that, but I am really really struggling to believe it. I want to believe it so badly. I have no reason not to trust him, but my mind goes into overdrive convincing myself that he is going to leave me for one of them.

It might be a control thing on my end, I really don't know. I just know that I am uncomfortable with it and he just tells me that it will get easier for me to handle the more I learn that I can fully trust him.

I've considered ending it a few times now because I find it so difficult. But he really is amazing and I am falling in love with him. Which worries me that maybe I am blinded.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Chattycathydoll · 23/10/2022 01:03

what you can do is get counselling for your trust issues. Then, whatever else happens, you’ll be better equipped to handle it- including the good things.

Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 01:03

Just to add that we also haven't had sex yet. He claims that it is due to him feeling really anxious with that side of things, which I understand. Only I cant help that it makes me unwanted a little bit. Pushing my thoughts of his interest in others more so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 01:04

Chattycathydoll · 23/10/2022 01:03

what you can do is get counselling for your trust issues. Then, whatever else happens, you’ll be better equipped to handle it- including the good things.

Thank you. I am currently doing that, and it helps I guess. But there are still major issues there. Clearly. Hopefully it really does get easier and I dont just end things.

OP posts:
TheSausageKingofChicago · 23/10/2022 01:09

Have you met his friends?

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 01:10

This is a self esteem issue. I think you need to talk to a therapist because I'll bet this is affecting your life in other ways. Here's the thing about relationships. Consent is everything, his strong desire to be with you is the most important thing. And if he has that, he can know women and not be interested in them. My wife has lots of male friends. We've had a rough patch, she asked to be open and had wild sex with some guy. I insisted HE not stay a friend, but she still has male friends and I still know, if she wants to cheat she will, and it's not going to be created by having men she talks to.

I also have low self esteem, so I sympathise. I am just autistic and compartmentalise things easily. Talk to someone, and I hope it helps.

Read the comments. I'll add that, I dated last year (open relationship) and was fascinated to be told men want sex on the second date. I dated one woman for 4 months and we were ALMOST there in terms of sex and we closed again. Some guys want to take their time and have it mean something. I sure do

minticecreamisjustok · 23/10/2022 01:15

Very few people would be totally comfortable with their bf/gf having many friends of the opposite sex and depending on how close the friendships are, either you're cool with this stuff or it's not for you. Trying to change your personality for the sake of relationship is never going to work and why should you, find someone who has the same view of relationships when it comes to friendships.

LucieLemon · 23/10/2022 01:40

How long have you been together?

If it's a little while I can somewhat understand your discomfort, what differentiates your relationship with him from his relationships with his female friends? If intimacy is lacking between you, it might feel your all on the same level?

Anon778833 · 23/10/2022 01:45

If he is spending more time with these female friends than he is with you, then that’s a red flag. He should be prioritising you, the person he’s in a relationship with.

It sounds as if this relationship is very new. Only time will tell whether he’s a player or not.

Please ignore people telling you to get counselling! He isn’t necessarily a wrong-un but you are right to be cautious.

Anon778833 · 23/10/2022 01:47

Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 01:03

Just to add that we also haven't had sex yet. He claims that it is due to him feeling really anxious with that side of things, which I understand. Only I cant help that it makes me unwanted a little bit. Pushing my thoughts of his interest in others more so.

How long have you been together with no sex? That is odd. A man who is into you properly will not be making excuses not to have sex.

ToFindNewWays · 23/10/2022 01:51

There is his unavailability mixed into this. His attachments to many other women. His anxiety with and avoidance of actually having sex with you. It’s no wonder you feel unsettled and insecure, anyone would. It’s hardly what most would want in a new relationship - a feeling of rejection plus unease surrounding all the other women filling his life.

Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 11:57

Its been a few months, so not too long. But long enough to make me feel how I'm feeling.

I spoke about it all this morning to him. It resulted in him leaving.

I definitely don't think he is a player, but either way it doesn't make me feel good.

Whether it has ended or not, I'm not sure. More than likely to be honest.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 23/10/2022 12:03

You’ve been together a few months and still not had sex (at his instigation)? Something is amiss here. No wonder you’re feeling insecure. He shouldn’t be spending so much time with so many other women if he’s not willing to invest properly in progressing your relationship to where it should be at.
I’d bin him. Seriously OP, you deserve more!

Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 12:10

Well thats what I'm struggling with. I could handle waiting for sex with no issues, if there wasn't the issue of the other women.
I cant help but link the two together in my mind in a negative way. Like I'm not attractive enough compared to them or something.
Not that he is having sex with them, he isn't. It's just my mind doing back flips and connecting stuff that probably has no connection.

He did say today that he isn't as invested in this relationship as I am. So that made me feel great...🙄

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 23/10/2022 12:41

Normal men don’t want to wait for sex. Something is wrong here. It’s not you, it’s him. Honestly, get rid. You will find someone who wants to rip your clothes off and does not force you to compete with other women. He’s a loser.

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 12:45

Something is not right here and I would not be trusting him.

Hebis not invested, he told you, believe him.

Work on your issues.
Then look for a relationship.

This isn't one to be staying in.

Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 12:51

Exactly. It really isn't a nice experience to be with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. I've never had this issue before.
I asked what his other relationships ended over and he said it was the lack of sex, from him.

Its definitely over now. Such a shame because we did get on really well and had so much in common. But I am pleased in a way because the other stuff really made me feel shitty, and that isn't a sign of a good relationship.

OP posts:
LucieLemon · 23/10/2022 13:07

These issues from the outset? Sounds like you've dodged a bullet here!

It's a shame it hasn't worked out but definitely for the best, sounds like he too has some issues he needs working on.

Don't get bogged down into being one of the exes he chats to now on a social level (unless that's something you really want??)

Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 13:26

Oh I definitely will not be one of those exes. I've removed him from social media already so it can't happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 18:39

Ha. He asked to remain friends.
Pretty much all we have been anyway with the lack of intimacy. Not happening

OP posts:
LucieLemon · 24/10/2022 01:07

Haha, that goes some way to explain the numerous female friends!

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 04:09

Anon778833 · 23/10/2022 12:41

Normal men don’t want to wait for sex. Something is wrong here. It’s not you, it’s him. Honestly, get rid. You will find someone who wants to rip your clothes off and does not force you to compete with other women. He’s a loser.

Men can want to wait for religious issues. But with a set goal/date.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 12:20

Confusionisme · 23/10/2022 12:51

Exactly. It really isn't a nice experience to be with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. I've never had this issue before.
I asked what his other relationships ended over and he said it was the lack of sex, from him.

Its definitely over now. Such a shame because we did get on really well and had so much in common. But I am pleased in a way because the other stuff really made me feel shitty, and that isn't a sign of a good relationship.

Stay pleased that it ended OP.

This man doesn't have enough sex drive to commit to a regular relationship. It would make you miserable.

Watchkeys · 24/10/2022 15:53

either way it doesn't make me feel good

Why wasn't it over, at your instigation, when you recognised this?

cheshirebloke · 24/10/2022 16:03

Perhaps he's gay? Either in denial or using women as a beard?

baileys6904 · 24/10/2022 16:10

What absolute sexist rubbish some people on here post!!

Just like women, some men don't want to jump into bed at the first opportunity. That doesn't make them gay, or strange, or dodgy. They just don't want to jump into bed at the first opportunity. It's that simple. Just like some women.

OP the fact that you effectively think if a man doesn't value your vagina, he's doesn't value you, should be looked at. It may be some men have a difference between someone they shag straight off, and some they want to make it special with. Who knows. However you do need some help with your self esteem. It shouldn't matter how many female friends someone has or if they still speak to their ex. If you trust him and value yourself, it won't matter

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