How do I handle this, and should I handle this?

[Confusionisme]

I have a lovely boyfriend. He really is amazing.
Only I have trust issues, which I am working on and he is always willing to help or reassure me if and when I need it.

However, he has a lot of female friends. Some of which he spends time with. One is even an ex, but he doesn't spend time with her, only messages.

Now I try my hardest to accept that he has female friends and that there is nothing wrong with that, but I am really really struggling to believe it. I want to believe it so badly. I have no reason not to trust him, but my mind goes into overdrive convincing myself that he is going to leave me for one of them.

It might be a control thing on my end, I really don't know. I just know that I am uncomfortable with it and he just tells me that it will get easier for me to handle the more I learn that I can fully trust him.

I've considered ending it a few times now because I find it so difficult. But he really is amazing and I am falling in love with him. Which worries me that maybe I am blinded.

What can I do?

@Confusionisme, I know.

I miss mine so much, too.

But he was fiction.

The real him - repulsive.

It hurts. But it also feels FUCKING GREAT to feel my own strength.

I’m sorry but it is NOT sexist to acknowledge that most men who are into you want you out of your clothes.

If they don’t, whatever the reason for that, doesn’t matter - you can do better!

’He’s just not that into you’ is a book that talks about this. It’s about raising your standards.

I'm glad you're feeling your strength doomsday and seeing the positives in all of it. Hopefully I get there soon myself!

As for men wanting to rip your clothes off...I agree. Maybe not literally, but that passion you get when with someone you really want. And i dont just mean sexually. It works both ways. I felt that way, as I'm sure many other women do too.

I think even if you're not ready to do anything like that, the attraction still draws out some kind of passion.
There was no passion with him. None what so ever. It was nothing more than basic kissing and hand holding.

It was basically a friendship that had sleepovers.

Passion is essential.

Mine was passionate, or seemed passionate, or faked passionate, or maybe was passionate but if so it was probably the excitement of duping me so well or at least gaining control of my faculties (and login passwords) to facilitate gaining access to my finances.

He told me he's never had a relationship over 6 months.

That's exactly how long ours lasted.

Be strong.

You deserve so much more.

Sorry, meant to say mine would then say the passion (yes he even used the word) was too much for him. He'd pull away, blaming me for the intensity. Cycle began again.

Fuck that!

How long did your relationship last, @Confusionisme?

How long did it take from "rekindled friendship" to "boyfriend?"

PS I didn't give him my passwords! He stole them, somehow. Not quite sure how, yet.

Oh jesus that must have been horrific. It sounds like some major mind fuckery!
By the sounds of things he's on a cycle of 6 months doing the same thing over and over.

I think we had like 2-3 months of friendship before things began escalating. We only labeled things because I had asked a few times what was happening between us, to be sure that I wasn't getting myself invested into someone who was looking elsewhere.

Turns out the now friend ex girlfriend, didn't get a label and lasted only a few months.
I know his previous one lasted a lot longer, over a year, but he claims she was manipulative etc. I did see messages and she did seem quite bad, but I do wonder how that lasted as long as it did. The female friends were part of the issue in that relationship too.

@Confusionisme, I'm so curious to know what escalating looked like without sex. Do you mean no PIV intercourse, or no sexual touching/orgasms? Was it just hugging and holding, was it emotional intimacy, was it future-planning?

Re the manipulative ex - well, mine once told me I was manipulating him when I started crying as he emotionally abused me. That was about 30 seconds before I walked out for good.

How did you see the ex's messages? Why did he show them to you? It's a gross violation of her boundaries. I hope he doesn't share yours!

The escalation was just hand holding, hugging and kissing. With future planning. There was no proper snogging and never anything sexual.

Yeah, he showed me the messages. Along with many other people. Some were actually posted online for his followers to see. This made me uneasy, thinking the same would happen with me and he claims it never would. The only reason he did with her was because he wanted to show everyone how manipulative she was. Which still is not okay in my opinion.

He has already started with the attention seeking posts online about us. "For those wondering, I am fine after the weekend events"
What weekend events? We broke up. There was no major argument or anything. So who knows how I am being portrayed to those who ask.

Classic projection of yours claiming you're manipulative as he was manipulating you. I'm glad you were able to see what was happening and got out of there.

My God - he published them online?

With identifying details?

Smear campaign.

People who gossip about others cannot be trusted.

He sounds like a narcissist.

Publishing the messages - just tacky as hell, as well as malicious.

Lucky escape for you I reckon.

But I know it hurts. Grieving for the lost connection and potential.

You've got an amazing future ahead of you, though.

Not exactly identifying details, but he made it known that it was his ex.
Hopefully he doesn't go any further than what he has with posts about us because I am tagged so much on his page. She wasn't since she isn't on there.

As much as I miss him and wishing things were different, I am starting to see that it has been a lucky escape like you say. It wasn't right, and I dont think I'd of ever been fully comfortable to be honest. Too many things just didn't sit right with me.
Thank you

You are making room for someone healthy who will cherish you and want to fuck your brains out on a regular basis.

This pain is temporary and mostly chemical. Ride it out. Leave him in the dust.

Don’t be ridiculous! Women have their own sexuality too, we can actually just want to have sex without thinking it has some deep meaning about how much a man values us!! I wouldn’t want to be with someone who after several months still didn’t want sex, because, shock horror, I enjoy sex.

OP, I get that you think he was a great guy, but the relationship wasn’t actually making you happy and that tells you everything you need to know. Also well done on doing something about your insecurities with therapy. It’s a brave step to take and will set you up for a healthy future relationship.

Exactly, it was causing me more stress than it was worth.

I have a bit of a problem here people. I know he has removed me from all different platforms, in return to me removing him. I am curious to know if he has deleted my phone number though.
I could send a broadcast message over WhatsApp to find out, but if he hasn't then he will receive a message from me.

Why do I even care? I wish I didn't.
It kind of just makes me feel like I really was nothing more than someone to pass the time with and arch that just makes me feel shitty.

I cant send the message. Its been a few days. I'd just look like I'm even more desperate than I felt during our time together if he hasn't deleted me.

@Confusionisme sounds exactly like the guy I last dated..it’s a very odd situation to be in..trust me whatever the reason you’re better off out of it!

@Confusionisme how are you?

Much better. Thank you for asking!
My head is still doing backflips trying to figure out why he actually wanted to end things as things don't make sense to me, but I'm starting to care less and less each day. So hopefully within a few days I'll not think about it as much.
Hope all is well with you 😊