How do I handle this, and should I handle this?

[Confusionisme]

I have a lovely boyfriend. He really is amazing.
Only I have trust issues, which I am working on and he is always willing to help or reassure me if and when I need it.

However, he has a lot of female friends. Some of which he spends time with. One is even an ex, but he doesn't spend time with her, only messages.

Now I try my hardest to accept that he has female friends and that there is nothing wrong with that, but I am really really struggling to believe it. I want to believe it so badly. I have no reason not to trust him, but my mind goes into overdrive convincing myself that he is going to leave me for one of them.

It might be a control thing on my end, I really don't know. I just know that I am uncomfortable with it and he just tells me that it will get easier for me to handle the more I learn that I can fully trust him.

I've considered ending it a few times now because I find it so difficult. But he really is amazing and I am falling in love with him. Which worries me that maybe I am blinded.

What can I do?

I should have ended it sooner, but I tried to be understanding. I really didn't think the lack of intimacy would have a knock on effect on my trust issues as much as it did, but it really did.

I'm a bit gutted about it all today to be honest.

Rubbish.
RTFT.
I asked what his other relationships ended over and he said it was the lack of sex, from him.

Not wanting or valuing sex is absolutely fine.
Stringing other people along, who DO expect sex in their relationships ..? Not fine at all.

Apologies, forgot to 'quote post' in response to @baileys6904

Rubbish.
RTFT.
I asked what his other relationships ended over and he said it was the lack of sex, from him.

Not wanting or valuing sex is absolutely fine.
Stringing other people along, who DO expect sex in their relationships ..? Not fine at all.

Yeah, I definitely think there is a difference between someone waiting for religious reasons and even personal reasons, to someone just being really slow in that department. Especially when it wasn't mentioned until I brought it up asking what the problem was. It wasn't until even later when I asked about previous relationships that I found out that that was the cause for most break ups.
Even with that, I was more than willing to wait.

To then be told its when he feels he has an emotional connection with someone that he can take that next step. Making me feel like what we had already wasn't what I thought it was, add to that the female friends and my insecurities...its really no surprise that my trust issues were rearing their head.

The other thing that made me insecure as well is the fact that he seeks validation from everyone. He posts about everything to get that attention from all of his followers. Mostly females. It done my head in

@KettrickenSmiled i did read the full thread
I don't comment unless I do.

Wierdly I've yet to see one thread where a woman is advised not to get into relationships or discuss early on her libido or lack of. In fact, a woman that wanted to wait a few months before heaving sex is actively encouraged and told she's doing nothing wrong. They're certainly not told they're stringing people along.

Every person has a right to decide when they should have sex in a relationship and how often. Equally every person has a right to decide whether that fits in with their expectations or not. What's not right is judging based on pure speculation the reasoning behind the decision

It's not pure speculation though is it @baileys6904 ?
He told OP himself that all his previos relationships finished becasue of his reluctance to have sex.

Not because of a slow lead up to sex - because of a lack of it.
Which is absolutely his right - but it's not his right to string women along by pretending that everything is going to work out ... one day ...
And as it clearly doesn't work out, because all those previous g/f's ended it, obviously it's NOT going to work out for OP.

For him to find his own chance at happiness, he needs to be upfront about his asexuality. He could find a partner who feels the same then, & not need to trick her with this "one day I'll be ready" nonsense.

@KettrickenSmiled is your screen not showing all the other replies that say he's probably gay or he's a waste of time, or are you assuming yours is the only comment I'm referring to?

Not entirely sure how he can be stringing her along, when he was told the OP why the previous relationships failed either. Would you prefer him where a badge and introduce himself by name and how often he would prefer to have sex in a decade? Wouldn't say having an upfront truthful conversation is tricking anyone.

That's not to say the OP should just accept it. If it's not for her, it's not for her, but the condemnation I don't think is reaaonable

I'm with you on most of what you're saying, but he didn't tell me truthfully. Which I get is probably a very hard thing to talk about.
I was told that he was just a "slow burner" but that he does like sex and couldn't have a sexless relationship. An emotional connection is what he needed, apparently.

After being sent little gifs indicating that he loves me, and him talking about when we live together blah blah blah, and the final comment being "I should wife you right now" made me question the emotional connection...because his words weren't fitting and so I asked again, and asked about his previous relationships. That is when I found out that it was lack of sex, not slow burning to get to sex. That was the day we broke up.

I'd say that is stringing me along. Unintentionally probably, but the stringing was happening regardless.

Not entirely sure how he can be stringing her along, when he was told the OP why the previous relationships failed either.
He strung her along until the point that she asked him directly why his previous relationships failed.

Up til that point, he totally misrepresented himself, by telling her that he wanted a sexual relationship eventually - when all along, he knew this to be false, because it was lack of sex, not timescales, that finished all his previous relationships.

Urgh ‘I should wife you’?!?! Christ how you didn’t get the ick I’ll never know. I bet he has a tiny one OP or can’t get it up. All the exes and attention seeking 🤮 you are WELL rid.

😂 I know. Im trying to tell myself that I am well rid. I really don't know what it was but I was just sucked right in, and still am.
I'm hoping he tries to sort things out, but at the same time I know its a lost cause.

@Confusionisme, how did you meet him?

We met through a mutual hobby years ago, but only properly connected this time.

@Confusionisme, did you have contact between the last/first time & this time, when presumably you connected and began communicating/seeing each other frequently?

What was different about this time?

We spoke more and realised how much we actually had in common. Why?

Just curious about the modus operandi of an asexual man who serially pursues women for romantic relationships he can't maintain. I have been involved with such a man so was intrigued.

Did yours go a similar way to mine? Did you ever find out why?

I said he's possibly gay, not probably. Because it's a distinct possibility given what the OP has told us. Maybe he has a hormone imbalance, low testosterone, maybe there's some psychological issue. But whatever it is, it is not normal. To not be ready for sex several months into an adult relationship is simply not normal. Very few people would want to take things that slowly. Including many of this bloke's previous partners.

Being gay can't be ruled out. The dots connect. Might be wrong, but it can't be ruled out

@Confusionisme it did not end well.

First he told me he was not very highly sexed.

Then we had lots of sex. Initiated by him. Amazing sex. More and more sex.

Then in an argument he told me he didn't really like sex. That it was a maintenance chore that put too much pressure on him. I felt utterly humiliated.

Then we had more amazing sex initiated by him.

Then I realised he is a con artist who used sex to groom me.

Sorry.

@Confusionisme the key was keeping me strung along and destabilised by alternating the intermittent high intensity neurochemical rewards with the confusing intermittent disappearing acts/emotional unavailability.

Look, there were a few things, not just one, that didn’t gel with you.
If you’re not happy, it’s not love.
Tidy up and move on.

@Confusionisme I agree with the last poster.

What struck me about your OP is that you were willing to locate the problem in you ("trust issues") and that he was more than happy to go along with this assessment (your problem will go away in time as you begin to trust him).

"Trust issues" says to me you have been hurt/betrayed/abused in the past.

This is desirable for some men because a) you are vulnerable, b) you crave real love, c) you likely have low self esteem, d) they can use it against you by locating the problem in you.

Let's flip that. Your "trust issues" are THE WISDOM OF EXPERIENCE.

Your niggling doubts and feelings of unease are telling you something. You now have the superpower to recognise abusive patterns, even in the early stages.

It's not you.

That sounds truly awful doomsdayprep.

Yep it's time to move on. I just really miss him already. Darn.
Also, yes, this is wisdom of experience. I wish I'd listened to my gut much much earlier on because I wouldn't be missing him and hurt so much right now if I did.
Hopefully I dont make the same mistake again!