Do you ever think about your first love

[lilaclilypod]

I met my first boyfriend when I was 13 and we were together for 6 years. He ended it and it absolutely devastated me I then bounced from bad relationship to bad relationship throughout my adulthood, I'm now a recently single mum of 2.

Over the last 20 years we've had sporadic contact, usually one messages the other following a break up etc. we met up once about 10 years ago but I was talking to my current husband on pof nothing happened, I got married.

I split with my husband 3 months ago and he messaged me last week saying he'd split with his partner a month ago and asked if I'd like to meet up.

He's the only person who's ever treated me nicely (obviously up until he literally shattered my heart completely out the blue). I always remember the first time we met like it was yesterday, no one has ever looked at me the way he did. I've never felt the same about anyone else. I have no bad memories from our time together.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it, we aren't kids. Life isn't the same. I'm under no illusion we've both completely changed as people. Life was carefree then, now we both have baggage and kids. I think the truth is I never really got over it, I've regularly thought about him over the years. I'm also still adjusting to my marriage ending and I have absolutely no desire to introduce anyone to my kids for a very long time if ever whilst they're young.

I don't know the point of this, guess I just wanted to hear others opinion and experience.

The first man who I had a relationship with (that I enjoyed) when he dumped me my sense of myself was in the gutter and it really went on to shape the rest of my life. He had dumped me with a character assassination. I know, I know, he was a tosser who couldn't take responsibility for having mislead me, it had to be my fault, but unfortunately I really internalised not his precised criticism of me as I always felt that was ridiculous, but I did internalise a deep sense of worthlessness. Also a single mother to two. But! fucking men shmen. I have my own job, savings, pension, house, hobbies, friendships. Not looking for a man. They ruin everything sooner or later.

My first love passed away a few years ago. My second love came to my wedding to DH!

It's weird, the man who BROKE my heart also treated me well when we were together! this is what made it so incredibly painful, that this ''good'' person devalued me so instantly.

But perhaps he was a good person but it was easy to be good. The first moment he was challenged in his ''goodness'' to get out of relationship without causing damage to the other person's self-worth, he failed. He literally said it's not me it's you. And coming from somebody who hadn't been overtly bad, up to that point, it was head wrecking.

If you’ve stayed in touch this long then clearly there are still feelings on both sides. Perhaps this is even why it never worked out with anyone else! On the other hand perhaps you’re both just nostalgic about being young 😬

I suggest you either try dating each other seriously, or end all contact and block each other, it isn’t healthy to have messages from an ex who broke your heart arriving randomly throughout your whole life.

Yeah weirdly I dream about him from time to time. He's a friend of my friend still so I do hear about how he's doing every so often.

But, to answer your question, yes I think about my first love often. He was gorgeous and brilliant and kind and adored me. I ended it because it became very long distance and I figured it wouldn’t last and was finding the long distance thing painful.

I see from the internet that he lives quite near me now. 🤦‍♀️

In your shoes I wouldn't go out with him.

He hurt you so badly that if it happened again it would COMPOUND all of your negative internalised views of yourself.

If he's really a good person then the crux of it is that he just didn't want you.

That does get internalised as ''unwantable'' especially at such a young age as you were, so be very careful around him.

I think you need to examine why you bounced from bad relationship to bad relationship. Most first love relationships end. It’s heartbreaking but it shouldn’t affect your ability to form functional relationships long-term. So I think you need to work that out, and learn to make better decisions where men are concerned.

Perhaps I’m wrong but, from what you say, you’ve not spent any real time alone as an adult and i think your rush to replace one man with another has caused you to make bad choices. It sounds like you’re again rushing to replace your ex with another man.

I think there’s no particular harm in meeting up with your first BF BUT you need to practise living independently as an adult and fill your life with other interests and friendships. That way, it won’t really matter what happens with this guy.

Yes, I thought about him all the time and now we're married.

I don’t know if it’s a bad idea. Unless he hurts you again. You were both young and things change. I wouldn’t rule it out. Second love for me has been in contact etc. I never forgot him but he hurt me. We have messaged & accidentally bumped into each other. He wasn’t the same not in a positive way I guess. But for you it may be different. I think it’s easy to look back and remember the good things. I will personally hold a special place for mine. I think we have always had each other’s backs/cared for each other. I don’t think that will ever change.

He broke up with me in the nicest possible way, he was 19 and had only ever been with me and was curious as to what life would be like as a single lad.. all his mates were single he felt like he was missing out. He said he regretted it but couldn't face me after seeing how much he hurt me. I get why he ended it, he was always honest. I don't hold any grudges.

My choice in bad men wasn't a direct result of him ending it. I had a bad experience not long after we split up which led me to spiral a little out of control. I've recently had therapy to help me work through everything and I'm in a good place. Stable, good job, own home and very independent and happy for the first time in a really long time.. this is a huge reason for me doubting the whole thing and a reason why I have zero intention of introducing my kids to any men, him or anyone else. We're finding our own way and healing and nothing will come in the way of that.

But I just can't get him out my head.

My first love is a guy from high school we dated for a year or so. He is now married to a school friend and are neighbours of my aunt. I see him most times I visit my aunt.

im thankful for the lovely memories we made but we were teens and it’s best to leave it there.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it, we aren't kids

Don't assume that this is a terrible idea ! I did it, very much the same as you. We'd been together as teenagers, split because of outside interference. Went our separate ways. Fast forward 24 years, both divorced with kids, he contacted my sister and asked if he could have my contact details. We started a long distance friendship / relationship, and nearly a year later we got together. He is now my very dear DH , and our only wish is that we'd been together all those years .

It's worth taking a chance, OP ! You had a connection way back then.....it might still be there. Good luck !

Yes, I dream about him every once in awhile. Funny out of all the men, there are only 4 I dream about. 2 of those I was married to.

OP, the thing about your 1st love is he's lived 20 years since you've known him, so basically he is a stranger to you.

I had a relative that did that. Got with someone she dated in school. She thought she knew him because they had dated all those years ago. She quickly married him after 2 weeks. He turned about to be a violent, abusive drug addict.

I'd meet him. If only for old times sake.

I still know what my first love of 10 years is upto because we have a child together. No feels though. It was long ago (almost 40 years).

Understood, OP. In your shoes, I would meet up but try to keep my feet firmly on the ground and make sure my life was full of other things too.

Meet up-it will either lead to something wonderful or it will finally put the thought of him to bed

I think in my head there's no way on earth id even entertain the idea of meeting a man right now, I have zero interest in trying to date. The only reason he's on my mind is because he's my ex and I've always been fond of him and my heart says go but then my head kicks in and in reality he's no different to meeting a complete stranger.. it's been 20 years, I don't know who he is anymore.

And a part of me also thinks despite breaking my heart, he's the only person I've ever loved and trusted without any doubt. what if he's turned into a complete idiot. I've always compared people to him, I think he was the standard I was looking for again and never found. I almost don't want to ruin those memories.

I'm way over thinking this aren't I. It's consumed me this morning!

You were teenagers when he ended it - go for it :)

I'm still vaguely in touch with mine although he lives in Oz now and is a raging alcoholic. Poor sod.

My first love and I split very shortly after we married at 19 in the 80's. We were just not ready for the responsibility of being adults and managing a home. Pushed into marriage by both sets of parents. It was a really sad ending which I don't think either of us wanted but couldn't voice it. Got driven into marriage and then out of it by what we 'thought' was not in our control. He contacted me when he was about to reach his 40th birthday and wanted to spend it with me. I was single and gladly met up with him. It was a great evening, we got on just as we had before marriage, it all fell back into place. It didn't go any further. No more contact. I don't really understand why he came to see me. It was such a great night - but it took me months and months to get over....I was very confused, and sad. I realised that I still loved him very much. His visit left me with more answers than questions.

I don’t see any harm in meeting up with him. Completely understandable that you split as you were so so young.

I think meet up with him, have fun. Don’t worry about where it is going or anything and as long as you’re enjoying it then no problem. You’ve got your kids and your independence so you don’t need a man to establish a family with.

Quite often but I wouldn't attempt contact.

Noone is perfect so it would do no harm to see that he’s just a normal guy with flaws like everyone.