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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner keeps suggesting I'm cheating

76 replies

HoppyHorse · 21/10/2022 23:17

My partner doesn't live with me but we usually spend several nights per week together, when it works with kids/jobs (both divorced). At times in the past he's 'joked' I may have another man. I'm always flippant in response, it's not really worthy of an answer.

This week he's been away with work all week, which he really didn't want to do. One evening I went out with a friend but hadn't mentioned to him. He called while we were out but I didn't see. I had dinner/drinks with friend and then answered partners next call at 10pm. He 'joked' were you with your other man and seemed bothered Id not answered earlier. I explained I'd been at the pub with female friend, he asked a few questions. He keeps mentioning since, about 'you with your other man'. I've tried 'joking' back, 'yeah one for every day of the week'. But he doesnt let it drop, it keeps cropping up. He phones often, seems worried.

Why is he doing this? Genuine suspicion? Insecurity? He is the one who went away for work, not me, otherwise I'd be seeing him! For reference, we did split up a few years back and both dated others. We have been a stable couple for a few years now though.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 21/10/2022 23:27

He’s doing it because he’s cheating on you or is so lacking in self esteem that he is going to kill your relationship with it. Neither is attractive. I couldn’t put up with such a bore.

HoppyHorse · 21/10/2022 23:31

@PeekabooAtTheZoo I don't think he is cheating, it comes across more as insecurity but I can't be certain.

OP posts:
Marcipex · 21/10/2022 23:33

He’s probably mentally justifying cheating on you.

ArcticSkewer · 21/10/2022 23:35

Probably cheating.

No surprise it coincides with a trip away. It's projection and a guilty conscience. And it's thrown you off the track!

SunshineLoving · 21/10/2022 23:35

This usually happens because they're cheating on you. He could be projecting.

Or he is genuinely very insecure and unconfident.

Your choice is whether you want to continue with the constant questioning and what seems like distrust?

Tangelablue · 21/10/2022 23:41

Ask him who he has been with while he's been away this week. He doesn't trust you because he knows you should not trust him.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 21/10/2022 23:43

I think it seems like an insecurity on his part that he's trying to hide by joking about it rather than asking you directly. Maybe you need to have a chat with him to put his mind at ease and reassure him that you aren't doing the things he's joking about

JanglyBeads · 21/10/2022 23:46

It's a form of control OP, well known in domestic abuse.

Scottishguy · 21/10/2022 23:46

I don't see where there is a suggestion of cheating here. There's stifling insecurity that will be as much of an issue as cheating however.

JanglyBeads · 21/10/2022 23:47

Why did you split up previously?

ArcticSkewer · 21/10/2022 23:48

Scottishguy · 21/10/2022 23:46

I don't see where there is a suggestion of cheating here. There's stifling insecurity that will be as much of an issue as cheating however.

There's a suggestion of cheating because it's standard behaviour when men are cheating that they accuse their partner of cheating instead.

supertato32 · 21/10/2022 23:52

My ex did this, and it ultimately broke us up! He was so paranoid I was cheating on him, but I never knew why. He even brought a fertility kit to check his fertility after I found out I was pregnant as he didn't think it was his. I never so much as flirted with another man when I was with him. One morning he asked me who Craig was, as apparently I was saying his name in my sleep. Transpires he'd been looking at my phone and saw me make heart eyes emoji at mt big, bear, gay ex colleagues Instagram stories. It ended up driving me actually mad, I was constantly paranoid and on edge, as even when I sat down and looked him in the eyes and said I had never cheated he said he couldn't trust me and 'he knew' something was up and I wasn't being honest. I ended up finding it controlling and abusive behaviour. When I watched MAFS and watched that George's behaviour it brought back horrible memories. Stay safe and stay sane xxx

Thisthatandtheotherthing · 21/10/2022 23:53

Was he cheated on in the past?

NotLactoseFree · 21/10/2022 23:54

It's controlling behaviour and if it's based on insecurity, it's irrelevant.

scoobydoo1971 · 21/10/2022 23:56

He is either very needy/ paranoid (and that is unattractive), trying to open up your relationship to include other people or justifying his own wandering eye. Whatever the case, this is not a happy future.

rosiebl · 21/10/2022 23:56

Came on to say projecting but seems previous posters have it covered.

Bobbybobbins · 22/10/2022 00:02

Yeah controlling behaviour.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 03:06

Feeling what other posters have said… projecting. Cheaters do it almost uncontrollably… they don’t even know they are doing it.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/10/2022 03:29

Cheating or insecure, either way boring and disrespectful. Why cant you tell him you dont like his implication, though? (presumably you dont like it). You are intimate with this man he's your partner so I dont see why you cant simply tell him to stop.

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/10/2022 03:29

JanglyBeads · 21/10/2022 23:46

It's a form of control OP, well known in domestic abuse.

This. It is the beginning of coercive control and it is a very common tactic in domestic violence. I would see it as an early warning.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 03:40

Yeah agree with @DeeCeeCherry Raise up and tell him you rest the implication and won’t have it anymore. If he does the very unattractive “I’m insecureeeeeee” BS you can tell him it’s not your job to make him a secure man and you thought he was one already. Also, if it hurts you and offends you then he can get over his insecurities and quit it.

I personally don’t like being called basically a liar or someone with low morals. It’s such a stupid dance and makes him seem really unattractive….

Wallywobbles · 22/10/2022 03:42

My ex tied me in knots trying to prove I wasn't cheating and pregnant with another man's child. All the while he was cheating.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2022 05:28

He sounds controlling; he’s not actually joking with you- maybe he’s cheating, maybe not but enough of a red flag to ltb

ElrondsEars · 22/10/2022 07:03

From experience, I also agree with @JanglyBeads and @ImustLearn2Cook My ex displayed these kinds of behaviours masked as ‘jokes’ - it developed over time until going out without him wasn’t worth the accusations and sulking afterwards. It could well be the beginning of trying to isolate you - be very careful x

FrancescaContini · 22/10/2022 07:04

He’s cheating OR he’s a twat.

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