Partner keeps suggesting I'm cheating

[HoppyHorse]

My partner doesn't live with me but we usually spend several nights per week together, when it works with kids/jobs (both divorced). At times in the past he's 'joked' I may have another man. I'm always flippant in response, it's not really worthy of an answer.

This week he's been away with work all week, which he really didn't want to do. One evening I went out with a friend but hadn't mentioned to him. He called while we were out but I didn't see. I had dinner/drinks with friend and then answered partners next call at 10pm. He 'joked' were you with your other man and seemed bothered Id not answered earlier. I explained I'd been at the pub with female friend, he asked a few questions. He keeps mentioning since, about 'you with your other man'. I've tried 'joking' back, 'yeah one for every day of the week'. But he doesnt let it drop, it keeps cropping up. He phones often, seems worried.

Why is he doing this? Genuine suspicion? Insecurity? He is the one who went away for work, not me, otherwise I'd be seeing him! For reference, we did split up a few years back and both dated others. We have been a stable couple for a few years now though.

I second controlling but also will throw in a possibility of cheating.

I have experience of both by same person.

Going against the grain here. Why are you 'jokingly' answering his questions? Couldn't you just tell him straight you aren't seeing anyone else/have no intention of doing so? Obviously if this is an ongoing problem then knock it on the head, but if this is the first time he's seemed suspicious, then give him straight answers. Talk to him properly.

My ex did this to me, one I had known since I was 16 and the other is like a big brother to me. Nothing had ever happened between us to make him even think it would. It got to the stage where i ended up not seeing them.

My ex was an abusive narcissist though (he denies he is and always plays down the abuse).

I agree he's either cheating or about to cheat and wants to make it all your fault

Or

He's going to kill your relationship with insecurity. Possibly both.

Completely agree! Maybe he is insecure, maybe he's cheating - None of us will know that as we don't know him. Stop 'joking' and just talk to him straight and tell him no, you don't have any other men and were just joking. If it then continues.... then you would be in a position to tell him to ship up or ship out!

I had an ex who was so paroniod about me cheating, it was absolutely horrendous. He would become so jelous and nasty whenever I spoke to or was around other men. My best friend from childhood is a boy and he became really controlling of me seeing him I got to the point where I didn't dare.
I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life.
It didn't start like this but got worse and worse.
When we spilt I felt like a massive weight lifted. I was so happy to be able to talk to other guys with our worrying of being accused of soemthing.
Be very careful OP as MANY have said this is not a nice and dangerous road to be going down.

It’s true that a lot of people who are or are open to cheating suspect their partners of cheating.

I don’t know if this is the case here. It might be insecurity. It’s more likely to be subtle controlling behaviour. it’s a massive red flag for me. It’s An early stage of trying to modify your behaviour.

You feel it’s your job to make him more secure. So make sure you always answer the phone, that he knows where you are and who you are with. That you start proving who you are with. But it doesn’t make him feel more secure. It slowly builds to where going out makes you uncomfortable. Where he wants access to your phone and private messages between you and your friends to prove yourself. Then he doesn’t like certain friend, you distance yourself. Then other friends offend him and so and so forth.

Its slow and insidious. But one day you realise your life is based around making him feel secure. But that’s not what he wants.

Can you tell I have been there? I have never cheated. Dp knows I have a line. You either trust me or you don’t. I haven’t done anything to break his trust so if he doesn’t trust me, the relationship is done. I won’t spend years trying to prove a negative. Trying to prove I am worthy of trust. And if I don’t trust my partner, I would also walk away. I won’t live like that.

Op, don’t joke around the issue. At minimum tell him it’s not funny and you aren’t having it anymore. Joking about how he can’t trust you is not funny. You aren’t a toy that gets to be taken out when he is there and when he isn’t there, you have to stay in a cupboard and not have a life. You have a life and aren’t say around making yourself available for whenever he wants to contact you.

Personally, I wouldn’t be with him. But I have different past experiences to you.

I'll bet my house he's cheating. My stbxh used imply I was having an affair with the driving instructor.. I wasn't! My stbxh was living/working overseas and living a double life.. 🧐

Yep, cheater deflection (been at the rough end of this, it's crazy making) or he's got huge trust issues. Both are a death knell!

I'd be drawing a line in the sand and not joking about this anymore. I'd also be keeping one eye open.

Sorry it all sucks!

Probably insecurity, but you need to tell him the joke is now old and you don't like it.

Why is he doing this? Genuine suspicion? Insecurity?
Stop wondering about his motivations & start dealing with the annoyance.
That means you need to also stop brushing his remarks off or treating them as a joke.

I'd have one short, serious conversation about it & expect the behaviour to stop immediately. "You are seriously pissing me off with your constant remarks about me cheating on you. I wouldn't do that, so stop insulting me. I've lost patience with it & you need to stop doing it before I lose respect for you."

It's not your job to work out why he does it.
It's your job to put a boundary on it, & if he fails to respect that boundary, to walk away. Because possessive behaviour like this usually escalates, & you will become so pissed off with it that you will want to finish with him anyway.

There's always someone ready to tell women to Just Be Kind & do all the emotional labour for undeserving men.

Don't take this daft advice OP.
The last thing you should do is pander to his ridiculous & insulting behaviour. All that will happen by pandering to him is that you will get more of the same.

It will go like this - "Reassure me - tell me you are not cheating - why did you smile at the waiter - who was that man you spoke to just now - why are you wearing that - you were flirting with that guy on the tube - justify yourself to me at all times - text me when you are out with your women friends - send me pics to prove there are no men there - whinge moan etc"

Fucking exhausting. Also - not your job to manage OP. Tell him to grow the fuck up or piss off. He doesn't get to police your life like this.

Wow. Very heartless and uncaring. Who knows why he may have insecurities. I hope you feel insecure one day and you get told to piss off.

That was for @KettrickenSmiled

Cheating. Or about to.

The day I interrogate anybody about who their friends are & demand evidence that they are not cheating on me is the day I'll deserve to be told to piss off @Aretheyhavingalaugh

If you can't see the red flags for controlling & possessive behaviour here, you seriously need to work on your Shark Cage.
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

If your insecurities are at a point you can not treat people with suspicion because they don’t answer the phone, on occasion, or have to keep ‘making jokes’ about them cheating and making them uncomfortable, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

He sounds insecure. You need to discuss with him. Don’t feel you need to reassure as that is what he wants. I have been in a similar situation it got to much in the end. Phone calls were more like questioning, asking me who bought flowers in my house, found a key in my car questioned about that . It was my parents. The list goes on…..

This would drive me mad.

Thanks. Today he asked me again about the evening I didn't answer the phone, asked again 'which friend were you with?'. It definitely seems more like insecurity than him cheating, although that is possible, who knows.

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread but I’ve been your partner before in the past and it is wasn’t that I was cheating I was massively insecure having been messed around in the past

Dump the fuck out of him, immediately. He's either projecting or controlling, and both are completely unacceptable.

Yeahhhh gonna have to agree… @KettrickenSmiled is correct.

it’s actually abusive as it is exhausting to have to prove your honor and morals to someone so that they can feel better.

it’s toxic and for those of us with more going on in their lives then catering to others energy sucking/hurtful feelings… it’s all boring as hell. Yes boring… it’s textbook. Nothing special or brand new.

So many crabs in the bucket try to claw others from getting free … others call it how it is….

OP if you are a woman of morals and high value then you will know bette than to suffer ANYONE who questions you.

If you are of worth you will take great pride in how you deal honestly and kindly with those in your life and will find it deeply offensive if that was to be brought into question.

If you have conducted yourself in a straightforward manner and haven’t tried to trick him then his words would hurt deeply.

You need to set the tone for how he comes at you. You teach people how to treat you and if you are high value you didn’t put all that effort at the end of the day into being questioned by some nobody.

YOU are responsible now. If you are truly good then you need to raise on up and let this man know he mustn’t say another word about it. Let him know that he is implicating himself given your above board conduct.

He dishonors you.

So you haven't put a stop to this yet?
Big mistake.