Partner keeps suggesting I'm cheating

[HoppyHorse]

My partner doesn't live with me but we usually spend several nights per week together, when it works with kids/jobs (both divorced). At times in the past he's 'joked' I may have another man. I'm always flippant in response, it's not really worthy of an answer.

This week he's been away with work all week, which he really didn't want to do. One evening I went out with a friend but hadn't mentioned to him. He called while we were out but I didn't see. I had dinner/drinks with friend and then answered partners next call at 10pm. He 'joked' were you with your other man and seemed bothered Id not answered earlier. I explained I'd been at the pub with female friend, he asked a few questions. He keeps mentioning since, about 'you with your other man'. I've tried 'joking' back, 'yeah one for every day of the week'. But he doesnt let it drop, it keeps cropping up. He phones often, seems worried.

Why is he doing this? Genuine suspicion? Insecurity? He is the one who went away for work, not me, otherwise I'd be seeing him! For reference, we did split up a few years back and both dated others. We have been a stable couple for a few years now though.

He doesn't trust you
He doesn't believe you
These are NOT your issues.
LTB

I couldn't be doing with someone so paranoid. It's insulting for him to continually imply that you are being unfaithful.

Being insecure is no excuse for falsely accusing someone.

If he is insecure it is his responsibility to build up his self esteem and self confidence in healthy ways that do not involve tearing others down.

I presume you mean you've been in the same situation as the OP's partner and aren't actually her ex chipping in on the thread?

Agree with PP - you need to put a stop to this. Don’t entertain the discussion. Let him know you find it insulting and it’s causing you to mistrust him. One of my DH’s oldest friends destroyed his relationship with a woman he adored because he couldn’t/wouldn’t shake the constant insecurity/jealousy. You’re allowed not to put up with this. It’s unhealthy and is likely to get worse if you indulge him.

“Being insecure is no excuse for falsely accusing someone.

If he is insecure it is his responsibility to build up his self esteem and self confidence in healthy ways that do not involve tearing others down.”

This with bells on.

And how did you respond?

Hoppy

His myriad of issues is not your responsibility nor yours to carry. You are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

Give this person the boot now before he continues to drag you down with him.

Why are you tolerating this?

It’s not a joke - jokes are funny. This is crappy behaviour on his part. You are allowed a life and you are not required to be immediately available every time he decides he fancies a chat. So, say this. Address the issue.

Don’t sit there passively while someone ‘suggests’ you’re a cheat.

My ex was like this-always ‘joking’ that I was cheating

then he turned serious-I was cheating,even though I hadn’t looked at another bloke

the last straw was when I was out with a female friend (we where just doing some Christmas shopping) and he rang

he started screaming at me that I was using her to cover up the fact I was cheating on him and in fact he knew I was in bed with another man

i swear I was stood in boots with a basket full of bits for teen dd in one hand and pushing the buggy with baby dd in it

i put the phone down and refused to see him again-his family will swear I was shagging another man while seeing him but I don’t care

its a form of control-he’s either shagging about himself or has low self esteem-which is not your problem to sort out

You cannot prove a negative i.e. you have not been with anyone else.
I wish I could give you a crystal ball to see what your future with this man is. It is not good. He will question you to try and trap you in a lie. He will spy on you. The joking will not stop. Before you know it, you will be telling him your plans because you are worried he will 'start'. Then you will have your phone in your sight just in case you miss a call. Then you start turning down invitations because he gives you so much hassle. And on and on.

Who knows why? I think you mean who cares why. It’s not the ops problem.

Whatever the reason, it’s a massive red flag. Run, don’t walk.

Are you completely ignoring the posters saying it's coercive control?
Because that's highly likely.
Massive red flag.

He does it because he's controlling.

He's controlling or cheating. One of those.

Really annoying. I suggest telling him to stop saying it as it's very offensive.

My ex did this and it turned out he was accusing me of everything he was doing.
but that aside, it was controlling, emotionally exhausting and that huge red flag is what eventually drove me very far away.
If you don’t leave him over this please nip it in the bud before it escalates, my ex not satisfied that he had no proof of me cheating (I wasn’t!) started checking my phone, monitoring my social media and at times followed me to work to check I was there.
please don’t let him drag you down

@Silverangels

Almost exactly my experience with one of these creatures. Only I was going to go shopping by myself and he said I didn't care about his feelings (more like loss of control paranoia) if I don't want him to tag along.
He also told his family and friends that we broke up because I was seeing someone else that day.
When in fact, I dumped him because I was basically unable to leave the house without him breathing over my shoulder.

I suppose he's now telling his next victim how he was cheated on by me and is oh so insecure as a result (belch, vom)

The one described by the OP is yet another one of these garden-variety control freaks for reasons that no one should give two fucks about

This is where its headed OP... Take heed.

Not sure why everyone suspects cheating. If you were surely you wouldn’t keep raising cheating. I’d say he’s insecure. Have previous partners cheated on him? Speak to him about it

Stop pandering to this shit, stop justifying your actions, stop trying to convince him. If he’s insecure, that’s HIS issue to solve, not yours. Tell him to go get therapy. Insecurity around this can come from the fact he’s cheating himself - it’s not one or the other. My ex was crazy jealous, I made my life smaller to try and appease him, it didn’t work, because it’s about control. He turned out to be an abuser, and a cheat. I now don’t tolerate this kind of behaviour at all, it’s toxic.

A few PP suspect cheatng because they experienced accusations from a partner who was cheating himself.

'Insecurity' is no excuse for controlling behaviour.
Having been cheated on previously is no excuse to control your current partner.
'Insecurity' is often a smokescreen for jealously & possessiveness.

If he is insecure, that's up to HIM to fix - not to demand Op changes her behaviour or constantly has to account for herself.

Yeah he's probably with another woman whilst asking you this, maybe his ex.

Men are simple creatures that tend to talk about what's in front of them.