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Original poster

Female friendships in 40s when kids are older, what happened to quality friends?

53 replies

mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:28

Aside from being a part-time working parent I spent most of my kids' early years being the primary parent here for them (fitting work around school hours, etc). Now that they're older and obviously have their own busy lives, it frees me up a bit to rediscover new interests and spend time with friends.

The rediscovering new interests I have absolutely no problem with, I'm still working, taking up some study, taking up golf, I've started doing a bit of volunteering and also starting to do my family history - things I have been wanting to do but didn't when kids were younger. Don't think i'll ever run out of things 'to do', and then there's also travelling with DH one day etc

The problem I have is with friendships with other mums around my age. I'm 45, of course many of us are still working in some capacity, but I feel like everything has become either a 'like' on FB, or a brief comment on Instagram or that most of my friendships just morphed into text messaging. Is this what a lot of friendships are now? I don't think it's quality friendship. I would say a bit before covid and once the worst of covid was over, I'm the one who's been initiating catching up (eg, coffee, walk, dinner) and TBH if I didn't make an effort I really doubt they would. Almost a month ago I stopped texting a friend who I've had for over a decade, to see if they would text - they haven't yet. It really hurts but I've decided not to bother.

I'm really actually very tired of being always the one reaching out and making an effort. I'm not an extrovert (when I'm with 1-4 close acquaintances I am very chatty, but hate being life of the party), so I've never been someone with a large social circle, but those I did have I really valued, am a loyal and generous friend, listen more than I talk, always listen to their problems and offer an empathetic ear, have a good laugh .

But basically lately other than my direct family, it hit me today that none of my friends have reached out to say hi, ask to go for a coffee, or even just say how're things with you? I always make an effort and wonder why is it that they don't for me? All my life I've been the nice, kind, a bit quieter one but of course when you're not naturally outgoing that makes it harder to cultivate lots of friends.

I also know I spent lots of time investing in parenting my kids and also moved cities with DH, so two close friends who are great and I've known almost all my life are in different states (we catch up 1-2 times/year). But these things haven't obviously helped.

Sorry for this long vent just wondering if anyone else has been lacking in quality girlfriends lately.. and wondering if I should just not text these few 'friends' I have for a while because I'm pretty over being taken for granted.

OP posts:
PaulGallico · 21/10/2022 08:36

At 45 I was working full time and bringing up teens with only a little bit of spare time. Your post sounds as if it is written by someone who is semi retired. Maybe your friends genuinely don't have time for meet ups.

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:39

PaulGallico · 21/10/2022 08:36

At 45 I was working full time and bringing up teens with only a little bit of spare time. Your post sounds as if it is written by someone who is semi retired. Maybe your friends genuinely don't have time for meet ups.

Hi, yes I do have a couple of days/week where I don't work. My friends don't all work full time either

OP posts:
Afterfire · 21/10/2022 08:40

I think people are less interested in friendships now. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I think we’ve all become more insular and especially now with so much online - so much choice, no need to go and seek things outside etc- people just don’t seem bothered about meeting up. I’ve definitely noticed it and it’s been progressively worse since lockdowns etc. I’m 42, so the same sort of age as you.

Saying that, I’m also a bit like that myself. I think everyone is just fed up and depressed at the moment, with little money to spend and everything seems like such hard work. 🙈

ElectedOnThursday · 21/10/2022 08:43

I think 40-48ish is the worst age for friendships. People become extraordinarily dull, only ever talking about their renovations or their children’s achievements. It definitely gets better as mortality becomes clearer.

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:44

I sense that also, but don't think anything can replace a great friendship in person. I can see in younger generations it's normal to sometimes only communicate online with someone, but I'm gen X I suppose hardwired differently.

OP posts:
eurochick · 21/10/2022 08:49

We are the sandwich generation, and many of us are also working full time. I'm in my mid-40s. I work full time. If I'm not working I'm looking after my daughter or running her around to clubs. Last weekend I spent a day visiting my parents who are not well. The weekend before we had my FIL to stay. So on my last three out of four non-working days I was with parents/in-laws. On the fourth I was batch cooking for my parents and taking my daughter to her Saturday clubs. I'd love to see more of my friends but I am not sure when I am supposed to do it.

DelurkingAJ · 21/10/2022 08:49

I’m 42 and both DC are in Primary and I work FT with a side order of volunteering. I’m flat out and most of my friends are the same. So what if we only catch up a few times a year, I still love them dearly. I miss the catch up every weekend and have people for dinner regularly but I accept that until the DC can be left home alone late into the evening it’s going to be sporadic and that’s fine. I’d be very sad if people I’ve known for many years thought I didn’t care given we’re nearly all in the same boat!

Solosunrise · 21/10/2022 08:51

Ive had the same at 10 years older @mum2teens77 I do catch up with friends for coffee, but it's always me instigating it. Often, communication with friends is just via WhatsApp messages. I work part time and my children have left home so I don't mind taking responsibility for this and being flexible, but it makes me sad if I let it, sometimes.
Before messaging became a thing, we'd have chats on the phone. I have one friend who'll do this, but otherwise it's just my mum and my adult children. Lots of people seem to have anxiety about phone calls now.
I think there has been a shift, and spectacularly so since covid. To an extent I feel it too, but i think social interaction is important so I try to make it happen.

My mum, in her 80s, is still a member of various clubs and has a very active social life and a lot of the same friends that I knew as a child.

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:51

DelurkingAJ · 21/10/2022 08:49

I’m 42 and both DC are in Primary and I work FT with a side order of volunteering. I’m flat out and most of my friends are the same. So what if we only catch up a few times a year, I still love them dearly. I miss the catch up every weekend and have people for dinner regularly but I accept that until the DC can be left home alone late into the evening it’s going to be sporadic and that’s fine. I’d be very sad if people I’ve known for many years thought I didn’t care given we’re nearly all in the same boat!

I think my point was more that I'm the one always getting in touch. Everyone here seems to have time to come onto Mumsnet and leave comments! And I know my 'busy' friends would have time to send a text

OP posts:
Flockameanie · 21/10/2022 08:53

ElectedOnThursday · 21/10/2022 08:43

I think 40-48ish is the worst age for friendships. People become extraordinarily dull, only ever talking about their renovations or their children’s achievements. It definitely gets better as mortality becomes clearer.

I was observing this about myself to DH the other day. I’m 46 and I feel dull! It’s all work or kids and when I do catch up with cherished friends I feel I don’t have much of interest to contribute to the chat. Very relieved to hear it gets better!

Y7drama · 21/10/2022 08:54

I’ve lost my mum friend group. They have moved on without me, feeling quite sad about it. I think some already knew each other and others gelled with those better than I did.

Solosunrise · 21/10/2022 08:55

Everyone here seems to have time to come onto mumsnet and make a comment

Yes, exactly!

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:57

@Solosunrise same with my Mum, she has a friendship group 50-odd years old, their generation totally understands and values in-person time, even when they were middle aged, I remember they made the time to get together, even if it was quick. I guess having mobile phones or Facebook, etc will do that...

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 08:58

@Y7drama yes this has mostly happened to me, not being the loud or partying one you kind of get forgotten

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/10/2022 09:11

I agree it sounds like you are edging toward retirement, when you say "we are 45, most of us are still working" - for most people their 40s are the prime working years, where you finally get paid for all the earlier years work. The golf and family tree research etc comes 20 later.

I would say keep nudging your existing friends to meet up and do stuff, because friendships die without that. But also focus on making new friends through golf etc, because they are in the same stage as you of having time and freedom, and may be delighted to hang out.

Mardyface · 21/10/2022 09:12

I'm in the same situation as you. I've lost a lot of the friends I had when the kids were small. I thought of them as 'real' friendships not situational ones but it seems I was wrong.

I will say too though that I'm really struggling generally so this is partly my fault. Everything feels very precarious, tricky, and a slog at the moment and although the answer to these feelings is of course to get in touch with friends and do things, some how that often feels too hard. I honestly don't think I'm alone in this feeling at the moment either and as a pp said it is particularly difficult for people who have both parents and children who need attention, as I and many many others of our age have.

horseboxhorseshoe · 21/10/2022 09:13

I'm 52 and work FT with teenage DC.
I always wanted a girlie circle of friends and I found this later in life.
However, since lockdown I cant be arsed to go out out or get ready to go out.
I don't want to be in a crowded, rowdy pub simply because of the noise and I don't want to be crammed into a pub unable to move much with beer being knocked over me as people walk past.
Happy to meet in a quieter pub with a small group of friends, sit at the same table all night.
I'm well aware I'm losing/lost my looks and I've put weight on.
I'm certainly past my best. Maybe this is part of the reason I don't want to go out out.
I'm worn out by everyday life/work/responsibilities/doing it all home/trying to fit in seeing everyone/making sure I give enough time to friends & DH & DC & elderly parents & wider family & for myself.
I pass people in the street who I am FB friends with, these are very distant school acquaintances from a very long time ago, but I don't want to talk to them.
I'm happy at home, doling things online, going out for long walks alone, seeing small groups of friends in local quiet pubs, watching movies at home.

Ragwort · 21/10/2022 09:16

Maybe it's your circle of friends? I avoided using SM etc for years so did happily catch up with friends in the old fashioned way .. meeting for coffee, going for walks, cinema trips, volunteering together etc. I do now use text and WhatsApp but I have never had a FB account or used instagram etc so I suppose the people I gravitate towards and become friends with are the same as me - Luddites Grin.

I think we all have to accept that friends come and go over the years ... only last week I met a lovely new person who I expect will become a friend. Don't give up .. my widowed mum is still making new friends in her late 80s.

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 09:20

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/10/2022 09:11

I agree it sounds like you are edging toward retirement, when you say "we are 45, most of us are still working" - for most people their 40s are the prime working years, where you finally get paid for all the earlier years work. The golf and family tree research etc comes 20 later.

I would say keep nudging your existing friends to meet up and do stuff, because friendships die without that. But also focus on making new friends through golf etc, because they are in the same stage as you of having time and freedom, and may be delighted to hang out.

I took a different approach to work and spent many long hours creating my own business, that pays me well enough I only need to work part time. As I'm my own boss I am aware I have flexibility where others don't.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 21/10/2022 09:24

I think it needs a ‘focus’. When the kids were little, we were all in the same boat, motherhood was the focus, if you want. Hence the friendships.
Mid 40s I bonded with other women over dogs, running, menopause 😂. Just for the sake of a coffee, it’s not worth it, I can have a coffee at home and scroll MN then get up and continue with my day iyswim. During lockdown I kept bumping into several women walking the dog, when we were allowed in groups, we all got very excited we’re allowed together, so we started organising these walks to cafés and pubs with the dogs.

I run with a club. One of the women there lives close to me, so in lockdown we ran ‘together’ for safety reasons, we ran in the forests. 2 years of covid and running once a week we know EVERYTHING about each other, she’s one of my closest friends.

What I’m saying is it has to be tied to an activity:)

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 09:27

@Ragwort yes I think it is some of my friends... actually the two that I would see the most aren't on FB so there's probably something in that.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/10/2022 09:28

I took a different approach to work and spent many long hours creating my own business, that pays me well enough I only need to work part time. As I'm my own boss I am aware I have flexibility where others don't.

I wish I had - it sounds lovely! But then you understand you are in a totally different position from most other 45 year olds. It is not that your friends don't value you, just that they don't have time or freedom to pick up friendships. But like I say, if you are studying and playing golf etc, you will be in a position to build new friendships with people who are at the same stage as you.

Mardyface · 21/10/2022 09:32

BuddhaAtSea · 21/10/2022 09:24

I think it needs a ‘focus’. When the kids were little, we were all in the same boat, motherhood was the focus, if you want. Hence the friendships.
Mid 40s I bonded with other women over dogs, running, menopause 😂. Just for the sake of a coffee, it’s not worth it, I can have a coffee at home and scroll MN then get up and continue with my day iyswim. During lockdown I kept bumping into several women walking the dog, when we were allowed in groups, we all got very excited we’re allowed together, so we started organising these walks to cafés and pubs with the dogs.

I run with a club. One of the women there lives close to me, so in lockdown we ran ‘together’ for safety reasons, we ran in the forests. 2 years of covid and running once a week we know EVERYTHING about each other, she’s one of my closest friends.

What I’m saying is it has to be tied to an activity:)

I think this is really good advice.

NotLactoseFree · 21/10/2022 09:34

It sounds a bit like for the years your children were small, and while you were building your business, you didn't see your friends much. Now, suddenly you have more time and you're questioning why they don't reach out to you? If you've spent the last 15 years being unavailable, I imagine you're not part of their day to day lives any more and it's even possible that for some of them, they're a bit cautious of letting you in in case you disappear off when something else comes up.

I am heading to 50. Self employed but work full time. 2 children - one high school, one primary. DH works part time so does a lot of childcare but I am still very busy and with a big age gap we spend a lot of time splitting children's activities between us as they are in very different places in their lives.

But I have a small circle of girl friends who I am in regular contact with and as a rule, I make a point of getting out for an evening with a friend about once a week. Sometimes one on one, sometimes in a group, sometimes it's a party. I also have a group of people who I am in fairly regular contact with via WhatsApp - a good friend who lives far away, some of my local friends etc - and it's a great way to keep on top of things.

If you want to spend more time with friends, I'd say you need to just keep doing what you're doing. I'd also make it clear you want to do more.eg, if you meet up with a friend for a walk, perhaps ask if she wants to make it a weekly thing? Or, while catching up over dinner, arrange the next meeting while you're there.

Original poster
mum2teens77 · 21/10/2022 09:35

Mardyface · 21/10/2022 09:32

I think this is really good advice.

Show quote history

Yeah I totally agree with this! I've always enjoyed golf as a beginner and have recently taken it up again after covid, look forward to seeing where that takes me

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