Female friendships in 40s when kids are older, what happened to quality friends?

[mum2teens77]

Aside from being a part-time working parent I spent most of my kids' early years being the primary parent here for them (fitting work around school hours, etc). Now that they're older and obviously have their own busy lives, it frees me up a bit to rediscover new interests and spend time with friends.

The rediscovering new interests I have absolutely no problem with, I'm still working, taking up some study, taking up golf, I've started doing a bit of volunteering and also starting to do my family history - things I have been wanting to do but didn't when kids were younger. Don't think i'll ever run out of things 'to do', and then there's also travelling with DH one day etc

The problem I have is with friendships with other mums around my age. I'm 45, of course many of us are still working in some capacity, but I feel like everything has become either a 'like' on FB, or a brief comment on Instagram or that most of my friendships just morphed into text messaging. Is this what a lot of friendships are now? I don't think it's quality friendship. I would say a bit before covid and once the worst of covid was over, I'm the one who's been initiating catching up (eg, coffee, walk, dinner) and TBH if I didn't make an effort I really doubt they would. Almost a month ago I stopped texting a friend who I've had for over a decade, to see if they would text - they haven't yet. It really hurts but I've decided not to bother.

I'm really actually very tired of being always the one reaching out and making an effort. I'm not an extrovert (when I'm with 1-4 close acquaintances I am very chatty, but hate being life of the party), so I've never been someone with a large social circle, but those I did have I really valued, am a loyal and generous friend, listen more than I talk, always listen to their problems and offer an empathetic ear, have a good laugh .

But basically lately other than my direct family, it hit me today that none of my friends have reached out to say hi, ask to go for a coffee, or even just say how're things with you? I always make an effort and wonder why is it that they don't for me? All my life I've been the nice, kind, a bit quieter one but of course when you're not naturally outgoing that makes it harder to cultivate lots of friends.

I also know I spent lots of time investing in parenting my kids and also moved cities with DH, so two close friends who are great and I've known almost all my life are in different states (we catch up 1-2 times/year). But these things haven't obviously helped.

Sorry for this long vent just wondering if anyone else has been lacking in quality girlfriends lately.. and wondering if I should just not text these few 'friends' I have for a while because I'm pretty over being taken for granted.

Friendship is definitely different to how it used to be. We used to have to actually meet up or phone each other to catch up on each other's lives and what we were all up to. Nowadays I know every detail of everyone's lives, sometimes right down to what they had for dinner, courtesy of various SM platforms.

I think SM gives people the false impression that everyone is still good friends without ever having to leave the house or pick up the phone.

I think it depends on how you use social media. For my genuinely good and close friends, SM is often just another conversation starter and a facebook post opens a separate, private, conversation.

People blame social media a lot for stuff but I think the real problem is how it is used.

I had two groups of friends. One from my single/ early married days and one from school mom's. As l came to 50 and my dcs were off to college the mom's dwindled but my other group suddenly came into their own as their dc headed off too. Now we meet regularly for walks/ coffee. There was a time in between where this group were very busy with ailing parents but we hung in there and now we are all much freer.
Saying that none of us are social media people so all our friendship is in real life.
So there are constant changes . I think in a lot of groups there are organisers and if you want to meet up just contact them. Do what suits you as some may be a bit reticent to plan something but enjoy it when others do. You will see as time goes on that they will be more available for chats.
Meanwhile keep busy doing your own thing as thats how new friendships will happen. Seeing you're a business owner is there a support group for women in business or a Lions Club nearby where you would meet like-minded people and share your own experiences?

I have very few friends now. Unless I chase it breakfast/coffee etc. Draining. One friend no text in months. Im giving up feel its 1 way efforts. My neighbour says her friends same but they small kids so dont go out. I tried some hobbies but its just chit chat no more Im 49

Dogs are good too they get you out. Thats great buddha. Groups can be hard to break into

I’m a decade younger, but on the instigator thing; I have the energy to reply but not to plan. I’d love to see my friends but I don’t have the mental capacity to think/plan/invite. I’m thrilled to be invited and I go as much as I can.

just to give you a different perspective.

I used to be a SAHM and organised a lot more social stuff, but now my friends have more time/capacity for planning social stuff than me.

keep chipping away, and also try to find new friends through your hobbies.

I'm at the same stage too, but luckily one friend seems to want the similar friendship too, I feel so young again! we talk almost ever day on the phone, and spend a day each weekend having cuppas and mooching about at each others or DIY/home shops and nipping into town etc. (dh works weekends) the rest of the time I work and have taken up new stuff to do. other friends are odd coffee and catch ups. which fills in gaps.

BTW nowhere near semi retired! work anywhere from 30-48 a week, friend works full time.

I understand entirely where you are comming from, I am the same age as you. Though whereas when my children were young I had lots of time for friendships I now work full time running a busineess and don't have much energy for friendships. When things do happen socially I am often the instigator, many of my friendhips have dwindled away, which is sad. But also people change over time as do friendships and if i'm totally honest even when I do meet up with friends I don't awlays enjoy and get out of the get together quite what I was hoping for. I've just reached out to a couple of acquantences having recently moved and will see where that takes me. I think if you are often the instagator in a friendship people will continue to expect you to instigate, either through apathy or expectation. They may think you've lost interest in the friendship as you've not been in touch? If you still want the friendhips in your life sounds like you'll have to be the one reaching out. In the meatime maybe explore somonether possiblities and out yourself out there. A friend for life is a very rare thing...

I think Covid lockdowns will affect relationships for many years. Personally I became so used to my own company that I genuinely can’t be social.

@123sunshine I hear you, I have my own business but always make the effort to send a message or arrange things. We’re all busy with work, kids, older parents so TBH I’m a bit over being the one who seems to make the time. It could be my friends though, and maybe some have run their course - hence why I’m not messaging a couple of them and if they can’t be bothered to check in & think I’ve lost interest, I’m willing to take that risk. I’m at an age where im mature enough to see that quality, 50/50 friendships are the valuable ones.

I'm the same age, and I'm just ramping up work again as my kids are getting more independent, as are lots of my friends.

I think most friendships are situational to some degree, and it's OK to acquire new friendship groups as your interests evolve.

As I've got older (now late 40s) I absolutely value friends but I don't feel the need to connect with them as frequently as I perhaps once did. In fact the friends that I gravitate to these days are the ones who seem like me, who are happy with a message exchange and meeting up every few months, if that.

One friend who I know would like more from me and is the one who is always the 'instigator', I actively disengage from, I can feel the pressure from them and I don't like it! I value them as a friend but I can't give them what they wants any more, which is frequent and regular contact.

Also I've continued to make friends as the years have gone on so I have more friends now than I did in my 20s but less time and mental space than I did back then!

I'm not on FB so it's not that. I've a lot on time wise and mental load etc. I came off FB ages ago as I just haven’t got the mental energy to absorb other peoples witterings and day to day doings, I don't miss it. Mumsnet is different, its anonymous and easy to dip into and see a range of opinions and dip back out. No mental load.

I have 3 DC at different stages of their lives but not yet independent, PT work, elderly parent/IL who, after losing 1 parent recently I want to spend valuable free time with them for whatever time they have left.

Also during the lockdowns I felt like I found me again just able to be and I've tried to hold on to that and not lose myself by plunging back into a social merry go round that actually I didn't enjoy.

I'm a bit older than you at 58 but I think everything's changed since covid. I learnt to live without my friends and have just my family for company for nearly 2 years and I'm kind out of the habit of doing things with friends. I've changed as a person too and think most people will have too. I'm really not that bothered about going out any more.

I’m the same age and feel exactly the same x

I could have written your post OP. All mine have fallen away. I am 51. And most don't work full time. Have gone from meeting friends once a week to meeting once every few months. Not the same friends. I mean any friends. Also my wprk is almost entirely WFH.

It's very lonely. I do some activities but I wouldnt call the women there my friends, as they don't know anything about me.

Just had a close friend cancel our coffee date twice. I am giving up on her now.

This is so accurate for many. I'm 45 and this is my reason.

Am also tired of being the instigator and giving up on that too.

Also I think many people are content with texting and likes on FB. Personally I hate it. I don't want friends who think friendship who think friendship is sending stupid memes back and forth.

Don't you all who don't want friends get tired of your families?

Eeps sorry for typos.

I'm mid forties too and seem to have less time than when my dc were younger - then, I would meet up with friends and their children whereas now in between work, running the teens to activities and spending time with my family, especially my elderly mum who needs me more now, I have little time for friends. Maybe your friends are the same?

Luckily, the few I do have are similar to me, in that we can drop in and out of each other's lives and no one gets offended if we are rubbish at keeping in touch. We might only meet up every few months, but it's always like we've seen one another yesterday. Tbh they are the only type of friendships that I have the capacity for.

@mum2teens77 I could have written this post and I’m only 33 🙃
I did exactly the same with a friend of mine 5 weeks ago and decided not to message her first and guess what, we haven’t spoken since then!
I’ve also had a pretty significant achievement happen in that time and all I got was the comment on Instagram, it’s upset me a lot, but I feel like it’s been brewing for a while now and covid was the catalyst for it and has probably prolonged how long I’ve put up with friends being rubbish!
I’m sorry you are in this situation too, it’s rubbish and upsetting! Try to enjoy spending time doing your hobbies x

I’m 45 with teenagers. I work full time. I have responsibility for ageing parents.
I don’t know many women of my age who work part time and have time to potter about volunteering, doing family history projects etc.

Are you sure your friends just aren’t really short on time?

I have to carefully plan time to see my really good friends.

I manage a dinner or lunch with my two very best friends about every 6 weeks.
A walk or lunch with another couple of good friends a few times a year.
A group social with some other friends every other month.

I just don’t have the time currently for any other regular, ‘quality’ social stuff.

I can perhaps be tolerant of those who have no time and therefore don't instigate. I get that. But what I don't get is people who keep suggesting meeting up, and then flake when a date and venue are fixed. Why suggest it then?

I think the pandemic has made everyone flaky.

What I’m saying is it has to be tied to an activity:)
This.

I'm a similar age. I made my main group of friends at uni and when I started working. Proper Sex & The City, tell-all, hanging out all the time girl gang. By late 20s we had scattered, got married, moved (including to the other side of the world). They are still my gang and the first people I tell anything but we see each other maybe 2-4 times a year even though we chat shit on whatsapp all the time.

I found it really hard to make friends through the 30s - the young mum / career building years - because I expected every friendship to be like that - bottles of wine, girls night out, confessions at 1am, Best Friends 4EVA - and I didn't quite know how to get there. Struggled at NTC and toddler groups. Never quite got a gang of buggy pushing coffee pals whose husbands all go down the pub together. Most of my friendships came through work and these tend to come and go anyway - though I do have a couple of close friendships through work.

What I've learned in my 40s is to really treasure acquaintances. Just enjoy meeting people and being able to chat and connect without expecting a deeper serious friendship. Most of these come through activities, volunteering, parenting etc. What I've also found is that at my age, you just talk about everything anyway, you don't need a deep and meaningful connection to chat about personal issues or stuff that is important. Chat about menopause at the school gates, death while the kids play football in the park, love and sex at the book club. Suddenly I realise that some of these people are actually good friends without having to go through a formal process or have high expectations.

What I'm trying to say is - looking for friendship is like looking for love - you can't be too desperate or force it. Just enjoy meeting people and if you meet them again, that's nice.

I think I need to think like you and tell the ladies at my book club about my fibroids:)

Maybe widen your circle to include both older and younger people, and people without kids. I’m not being flippant, but as a woman without children, the friendships which are the strongest in my life continue to be with women who didn’t have children, just, I suppose because we sometimes have less distractions and a bit more time to invest.

I wouldn’t necessarily get upset about losing mum friends - one of your main links will have been having children in the same class, or around the same age. As they grow up, or their interests change, you have less of a common denominator to keep you together. Now is your chance to make new friends based on other interests and areas - a course, or a volunteering opportunity or whatever.

And don’t forget that opposites sometimes attract. I am 50. My youngest friend is 25, and my oldest is 79 - she’s an incredible woman and has improved my life so much just by being in it. Keep your options and your heart open.