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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get him to pull his weight?

65 replies

mysparkleismissing · 20/10/2022 23:51

In terms of housework and running through house

We both work ft. Me 50+ hours put of the house his 37 but 2 of those days at home. He just doesn't see washing needs folding or putting on, things need to go IN the dishwasher not next to it, the empty toothpaste goes in the bin. Dinners are generally down to me and I've cooked or catch cooked and he reheats.

Last night I got in at 11pm he remarked we don't have a shop delivery booked for tonight (it normally magically gets delivered on a thursday night)... no cos I'd not go around to organising it. He did nothing, generally he only adds the things he wants like particular drinks or snacks. I went to bed fuming after clearing the washing bins kitchen etc etc.

Tonight he asks me shall we do a click and collect.... erm... shall WE.....

I was literally so angry it feels like I could explode at times

We have this conversation often, we have a cleaner as trying to fairly split housework between us was ridiculous... I know how pathetic that sounds and I'm not proud at all.

Pls be kind

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 20/10/2022 23:56

If youre not married and dont have children, just leave.

of course he sees all those things. He just doesnt want to deal with them.

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 23:56

What does he say when you talk about it?

have you tried a rota?

or only doing your own cooking, shopping, laundry? He acts like he lives alone so that makes sense.

writergirl007 · 21/10/2022 00:04

He sees all these things.
He sees them as your job.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 21/10/2022 00:09

JulesCobb · 20/10/2022 23:56

If youre not married and dont have children, just leave.

of course he sees all those things. He just doesnt want to deal with them.

We are married and have been together for 6 years he's step dad to my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 21/10/2022 00:11

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 23:56

What does he say when you talk about it?

have you tried a rota?

or only doing your own cooking, shopping, laundry? He acts like he lives alone so that makes sense.

I've mot tried a rota but did a tick list of jobs and he did a few but I did far more.
I've also been on strike and just did mine and my sons stuff. I ate dinner at work each night and he didn't notice even after a few weeks.
When I mention it he sulks does everything for a week and then reverts back to his old ways

OP posts:
Clymene · 21/10/2022 00:15

You married a lazy prick. Sorry

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 00:18

He just doesn't see washing needs folding or putting on, things need to go IN the dishwasher not next to it, the empty toothpaste goes in the bin.

Fucking hell, stop making ridiculous excuses for him. Of course he sees all the things that need to be done, he just doesn't give a fuck because you will always end up doing them. You helped create this disaster, I'm sorry to say. You should have demanded he pull his weight from the beginning, and when he wouldn't you could have made the wise decision not to marry him.

He is who he is, and what you see is what you get. You have two choices. You either put up with it and be fucking miserable, or you divorce him and move on.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 21/10/2022 00:26

Yet another tale of a pathetic fucking man child and a woman carrying all the physical and mental load. Why do women put up with this shite? A partner should complement and enhance your life. If he's not doing that, bin him off. You (and your son, who will be influenced this behaviour) deserve better.

Beyondshit · 21/10/2022 00:42

'we have had this conversation many times'. Was he like this when you married him?

Bestcatmum · 21/10/2022 00:44

Ditch him. He won't ever change. He thinks it's womens work. I refuse to be with or married to someone like this because I'm not a sodding scullery maid. I'm a professional woman. Id sooner be single.
Men haven't woken up to the fact that women don't want to look after them like their mummies any more.

JulesCobb · 21/10/2022 06:30

If youve spoken about it many timed he of course sees it is all there. And he knows it upsets you when he does nothing. And it tells you he firmly believes it is your job to clean up after him.

and then he sulks. Sulks. to get his way.

he is a terrible example to your son. Why on earth did you choose to marry him after he repeatedly showed you his attitude towards women ?

J0yxPeace · 21/10/2022 06:35

Yeh, get through the anger. It's useless. Carry on eating dinner at work. Make a few fish fingers for your son. Do your washing only.

If you're hungry at home, cheese on toast.

Do you have two bathrooms? Assign him one.

Fucket · 21/10/2022 06:35

If you’ve had the chat and he hasn’t respected you and taken in 50% of the load, then I’d be considering an ultimatum and meaning it. Your other option is to resign yourself to the situation and learn to live with it. That btw is what he expects you to do.

ShandaLear · 21/10/2022 06:40

Of course he sees all those things. He thinks it’s your job to do them.

foghead · 21/10/2022 07:02

Did you ask him why he didn't do the shop when he noticed?
He thinks these are all your jobs. Allocate them to him because he's not the type to pitch in and think beyond himself.
If it doesn't get done, ask him why he's not doing his jobs when you're working 50 hrs a week and he's only working 37?

KangarooKenny · 21/10/2022 07:05

How much does he do for your son ? Does he do school runs and feed/bed him while you’re at work ?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/10/2022 07:11

Has he changed massively since you were dating then? I mean, when you married him was he great around the house, pulling his weight, doing the laundry, organising the shop? Is it only now he’s revealed his true colours? Because if that were the case, I’d be rethinking the whole situation - overall, is what he brings to your life worth you turning yourself into his housekeeper with some sex on the side?

If he’s always been like this, however, then I assume you knew that and still chose to marry him 🤷🏼‍♀️

IncompleteSenten · 21/10/2022 07:17

You've had the conversation many times.

So he knows how you feel. He just doesn't care and the pattern is you do everything, blow up every now and then, maybe a few days strike then go back to doing everything and just being in a relationship with him.

Why would he change? He has full maid service for the low low price of a periodic expression of frustration.

ChampagneCamping · 21/10/2022 07:20

Sit him down and write a rota together. Do not do his tasks. Ever. . Let the backlog pile up and leave him to remedy it. Draw his attention to the rota if he makes any comments.

Treacletoots · 21/10/2022 07:20

What @LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF said.

I think you married my exH. Honestly OP. Its not your job to create a rota for a grown man to pull his weight around the house. He already knows this stuff needs doing. He just doesn't care that you're doing it all because he thinks that it's your job.

It got to the point with my exH that I just did my own meals, washing and so on. He just picked up his washing and took it to his mother's. A 30 year old man. That says everything, that he thought housework was a woman's job.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say He was like this when you married him, and yet you still did. We all make mistakes, but the best way to fix this is to show your DC this isn't acceptable and kick him out and divorce him. Trust me from experience your life will be 100 times easier than living with a misogynistic cocklodger who thinks you're there to serve him.

ThatAussieGuy · 21/10/2022 07:22

Look, this has always been obvious to me. If you don't want to cook, then you can't eat. If you won't do wash, how can you have clean clothes? I suggest cooking for yourself and telling him where the kitchen is and see if he wakes up to himself

Statistically women are paid less and work MORE because they do most of the housework. This is not some hard wired thing, my house has NEVER been like that. If you let him keep doing it, he will

ChrisTrepidation · 21/10/2022 07:22

You can't.
He sees what needs doing. He just thinks it's all your job to do it. All you can do is decide if you can tolerate it or not. I couldn't.

Treacletoots · 21/10/2022 07:23

@ChampagneCamping he's a grown man, not a 5 year old child.

The issue here is that he knows stuff needs doing, he just doesn't care. You can't fix misogyny with a rota.

The only answer is remove him from the equation.

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2022 07:25

If he was living alone do you think he would starve himself to death and walk around in dirty clothes? Of course not. He doesn't respect you.

Meseekslookatme · 21/10/2022 07:27

Urgh. I had one of these.
Get rid. I get he's a shit selfish shag too.