How do I get him to pull his weight?

[mysparkleismissing]

In terms of housework and running through house

We both work ft. Me 50+ hours put of the house his 37 but 2 of those days at home. He just doesn't see washing needs folding or putting on, things need to go IN the dishwasher not next to it, the empty toothpaste goes in the bin. Dinners are generally down to me and I've cooked or catch cooked and he reheats.

Last night I got in at 11pm he remarked we don't have a shop delivery booked for tonight (it normally magically gets delivered on a thursday night)... no cos I'd not go around to organising it. He did nothing, generally he only adds the things he wants like particular drinks or snacks. I went to bed fuming after clearing the washing bins kitchen etc etc.

Tonight he asks me shall we do a click and collect.... erm... shall WE.....

I was literally so angry it feels like I could explode at times

We have this conversation often, we have a cleaner as trying to fairly split housework between us was ridiculous... I know how pathetic that sounds and I'm not proud at all.

Pls be kind

Bet*
Oh for an edit button...

There isn’t a magic bullet, some sort of trick or persuasive argument that you haven’t already tried. You’ve told him he needs to pull his weight, yet he doesn’t. You’ve gone on strike, but that hasn’t worked. There isn’t anything anyone else can suggest, other than divorce. Unless you want to continue like this, that’s your only option. Previously, when you’ve argued about this, he’s ultimately got his way, so unless you actually start divorce proceedings, he won’t change. Do you think he would take you more seriously if you did actually start divorce proceedings? Even if that did shock him into changing, be prepared that it might only last a short time, so you might need to follow through all the way.

You’ve got 3 options ….1- stay and except that he ll never change whilst you are carrying this manchild ……2- leave because you are so unhappy and deserve better …. Or 3 - Do nothing ever again for him . Only ever cook for you n son , do washing/ ironing for you n son only, buy food , clothes etc for you n son only . Make his life really difficult and keep telling him your his wife not his mother . See what he does . If he digs his pathetic passive arse in , then choose between option 1 or 2 .

I think this sums it up perfectly. It must be very hurtful for you to feel like he doesn't care about your feelings. Everyone has different standards of living, but you pull your weight in a partnership. Hope you can get it sorted, OP.

Stop complaining because you are enabling him. You can't force someone who clearly won't get away with it if he was on his own.

You have to stop doing stuff for him, but not in a passive aggressive way. It needs to be clearly expressed.

DH, you have many more hours available to shop and do washing. You are now responsible for all the cooking and shopping. I'll help you plan the first two weeks then it's over to you.

Or, Shop and Cook for you and your son. Ditto washing. He can do his own.

Or, do it together Saturday morning. No one gets to sit down until it's all done.

This is why I’m single, I just can’t tolerate this bullshit.

In my experience you can’t change them. Unfortunately he is fundamentally a misogynist. His attitude towards women has been many many years in the making and cannot be easily undone.

You basically have 2 choices, put up with it like many women do or get the hell out. You’ll still have to go all the jobs when you’re single but at least there won’t be this horrible seething resentment. Personally I couldn’t bring myself to be in a sexual relationship with someone who so clearly believes I am inferior to them.

I went to bed fuming after clearing the washing bins kitchen etc etc

This right there is your biggest problem, you did stuff. What you should have done is sat drinking a lovely cup of tea whilst you watched him, for entertainment purposes, do all those things that you did. He knows you will complain but then still do the stuff you complain about.

There are lots of helpful things out there to make sitting down and dividing labour easier, ie you don't have to think about it, don't add more to your mental load. Fair Play www.amazon.co.uk/Fair-Play-rebalance-relationship-transform/dp/152940021X/ it is also an audio book, maybe he can listen to that. But how on earth does he think it is fair considering the difference in work hours that you still do the vast majority of the housework, cooking and shopping? He saw you doing all the household stuff and just moved in expecting you to carry on as though you have an extra child.

If you or he are on Instagram can I recommend thatdarnchat?

Ffs

Don't do the click and collect. Don't fold the laundry. Don't wash the bins. Let it all pile up. Vote with your feet.

There is no easy way to come to terms with this.

Your husband does not value or respect you.

Of course he sees the things that need doing but he doesn't care because he knows little slave girl will do it.

If nothing changes then nothing will change.

Three choices.

1.counselling

1. Leave him
2. Only cook/clean/ care for yourself & son

Tell him one more time. Sit down, make a list of everything that needs to be done, split them up. Then only do your share.

If he doesn't start pulling his weight, leave his lazy arse.

What messages are you giving your son?
He sorts his shit out or leave him. Give him an ultimatum.

This is actually a really good question.

Could you tell us what he does for your son? Maybe he does a lot in this regard which would make up for not doing stuff around the house but we don't know till you tell us.

I think you need to sit him down and actually ask him the very question 'why do you see these things as my job?'

No judgement, just fact-find. Why is it?

So don't be arsey and make him defensive, but just genuinely curiously enquire as to what his reason is, because he has a reason. Knowing the reason will help you deal with the situation.

You say that you ‘mention’ it. Have you had actual conversations about it? If so, what does he actually say? When you had the tick list of jobs and he was doing far fewer than you, what was his excuse? Did you even require an excuse or did you just do everything and internally seethe?

Also, did you end your ‘strike’? If so, why?

The fact he does everything for a whole week means he does see it and can do it he just doesn't bother because he knows you will.

What every else said. For a start stop batch cooking so he can't just reheat and eat your hard cooked meals. This would make me so angry tbh.

He's a child, not a man. He sees you as his Mum.

Do you really want to be his Mum?

I'd really start thinking about ultimatums.

Why are with him?

This is always the big one. What sort of son will you raise if he sees this and thinks it's OK?

Sorry I've not read the replies I could read all the comments telling me to divorce him.... wow!

I couldn't work out how to delete the thread.

To be fair I don't think there is a magic pill in answer to your problem. Try an electric shock to his backside? Not sure what PPS can suggest. If you stay with your DH you'd

Best keep guiding him as to what wants doing. Men often need specific instructions.

Would you pop the washing on dear while I get dinner on? Would you sort the shopping order while I get the ironing done? Will you whizz round with the hoover while I clean the bathroom?