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Original poster

Why Is DH watching that?

88 replies

Autumnalflower · 19/10/2022 21:12

I went to browse something on dh phone today & as I went onto safari it was on private & a porn site was open & a blank screen. I stupidly said oh why’s it on private and he quickly said oh let me have a look. His reply was it must have Gone on private with the vpn - it does that!

now I’m not stupid & really don’t believe that! It’s shocked me & I haven’t approached it with him that I saw the porn site!

I don’t know how I feel about it, am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnalflower · 23/10/2022 09:12

We was laying in bed this morning & my toddler was watching on my phone, I said to DH where’s your phone? give it to son. He said oh it’s in the other room. So I asked elder child to get it & in that time DH picked toddler up & said we’re going down. Elder child then shouted & said it’s not there & DH replied yes I know because it’s in my pocket with me!

wonder if he was hiding something!

OP posts:
blebbleb · 23/10/2022 09:15

Weird how you have no boundaries or privacy? I wouldn't just give my husbands phone to any child without asking!

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/10/2022 09:20

Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 11:27

You are not over reacting. There are obviously some people who think its fine. I'm not one of them. And thats totally ok. I actually think i'm in the majority and not the minority as i'm led to believe on MN.

I have very strong views on porn. If I found a porn site on my dh's phone, it would be over for us because he knows thats a very firm, unmovable line for me. If he wants to look at porn then its his choice, but he'd need to decice what he would prefer to have in life. Me or porn. Don't give a shit if it sounds like an ultimatum.

If he watched in secret, knowing my boundary around it and I found out. he'd be gone that day. Solely because he already knew my stance on it, and had agreed to be with me knowing this. I don't have boundaries in place for them to be walked over. Either accept it or move on. Its something I will not budge on, or compromise on and I have my very good reasons for this.

You know when The Sun had topless women who wanted the publicity on page 3, is that porn?

If your DH scanned through that paper and lingered for a moment on that page looking at a pair of breasts, is that ok or would that go beyond your boundaries?

I think it comes down to "what is porn and what is acceptable". Very different for everyone.

Cafenero35 · 23/10/2022 09:24

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Cafenero35 · 23/10/2022 09:25

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 19/10/2022 21:43

A very large majority of the women in porn are trafficked or doing it under coercion (including economic coercion).

people who get off on porn will almost certainly at some point have got off on a woman being coerced and raped.

as well as the individual damage - porn dehumanises women and girls and distorts peoples understanding of female sexual pleasure and womens rights when having sex.

the impact on teenage girls of porn is catastrophic. And it is also deeply harmful to boys.

porn is not victimless entertainment.

Meant to quote this

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/10/2022 09:25

In my view looking at other naked humans is fine. It's natural curiosity and nice specimens are nice to look at and maybe fantasise about in a moment of idle day dreaming. We all know it's not real life and they don't look like that 7am Monday morning.

Watching some sort of awful choking / hurtful / abusive / non-consenting act, defo not fine.

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 23/10/2022 09:48

@Cafenero35 il not saying porn which is presented as rape.

often trafficked and coerced women appear on screen to not be objecting

in 30 years of watching porn you would have gotten off to MANY coerced women

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/10/2022 10:00

Most of this is amateur so they aren't being coerced, why do you think Only Fans is so popular? A lot of women feel empowered by it.

Funny how this particular brand of “female empowerment” still predominantly involves women taking their clothes off and men having an orgasm, isn’t it?

If it’s so “empowering” you’d think we’d see it proudly on the CVs of more of the people who have actual power, yet it seems to be missing from all those politicians and CEOs 🤔 It’s a head scratcher, right enough.

Original poster
Autumnalflower · 23/10/2022 10:04

blebbleb · 23/10/2022 09:15

Weird how you have no boundaries or privacy? I wouldn't just give my husbands phone to any child without asking!

Its always been like that both ways. He’s sometimes switched my phone on YouTube kids and given it to my child - I have nothing to hide & don’t have anything my children can’t see on my phone. Saying that I would never give my phone to my child and walk out of the room as they could enter phonebook unknowingly!

OP posts:
Moro93 · 23/10/2022 19:29

@BenCoopersSupportWren Yes, how dare women feel empowered for being in control of their own sexuality. There must be something more sinister at work!!

Cavviesarethebest · 23/10/2022 19:42

@Moro93 but it’s not being in control of their own sexuality is not? Women in porn are faking it. They’re not having sexual pleasure. They’re pretending to (or sometimes specifically explicitly not enjoying it) for the pleasure of others.

selling a presence of sexual pleasure for money (assuming they’re not coerced) is not being sexually empowered

Original poster
Autumnalflower · 17/11/2022 12:13

sorry for the delay in a response. I confronted Dh about it today and he is adamant it’s a ‘pop up when he puts the VPN on’… I feel he’s lying, I can’t tell by the face he makes & how he talks when he’s lying about something.
I told him if you do, you do but don’t lie about it! He goes prove it!

OP posts:
JacobReesMoggsSocialConscience · 17/11/2022 12:29

He puts the VPN on his phone (I assume it's an iPhone) using Safari? It's possible, but odd. Have you asked him why he does it? Anyway, the main issues here are (1) you think he's lying /you distrust him and (2) the sites he visits (not how he gets there - Safari, VPN, etc.)

This site attracts misogynists, unfortunately, and one of their big talking points is that eVerYb0dY uSeS wOm€n p0rN, tH@t I$ jUsT hOw 1t 🐝!!!! If you're not comfortable with that, stick to your principles. But communicate it clearly to your husband; he's probably also humming along in this misogynistic society with no cares at all and not really thinking through what his choices mean for you and your children.

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