Why Is DH watching that?

[Autumnalflower]

I went to browse something on dh phone today & as I went onto safari it was on private & a porn site was open & a blank screen. I stupidly said oh why’s it on private and he quickly said oh let me have a look. His reply was it must have Gone on private with the vpn - it does that!

now I’m not stupid & really don’t believe that! It’s shocked me & I haven’t approached it with him that I saw the porn site!

I don’t know how I feel about it, am I overreacting?

Nope; this is like 'everyone is a functioning alcoholic'. Not true, and even if it were true ... why would that help?

Most men watch porn, as do women.
Its perfectly normal but if you’re against it I presume you have already told your partner you don’t like it.

@HollyJollypup Its perfectly normal

That's your opinion, but here's another one

www.thehartcentre.com.au/watching-porn-how-normal-is-it-when-is-porn-an-addiction/

This. Even setting aside the likelihood that there is abusive exploitation, duress or violence, human bodies are not consumer products.

Anyone who denies it is complicit.

@HollyJollypup there is a difference between normalised and “normal” as in healthy.

the explosion of internet porn has led to an unprecedented increase in the world wide human trafficking of women and girls. It has had a catastrophic impact on developing girls and boys. The number of teenage girls presenting with faecal incontinence due to anal sex is sky rocketing. Women and girls are now routinely choked during sex because porn culture has taught men that this is what sex should be.

@Moro93 is quite comfortable that there may be many instances of this and is comfortable with that.

you may also be comfortable with that.

but it is dishonest to separate anyones individual porn habits from this reality.

i am sure that it is possible to produce consensual porn that is ethics which can be consumed in a non harmful way.
however thst is simply not the reality of the porn that people now watch.

You don't have to be OK with it, but if it's a dealbreaker, there should be a discussion.

I also don't understand being shocked he's doing it. A lot of men (and women) do. The question is what you can accept in your relationship.

OP - what was the porn site?
I’m asking because a lot of responses will be either “it’s normal/usual so why do you get worked up about it” or “it’s degrading, exploitative, misogynistic, debasing..”.
And sometimes it’s neither.
Lots of porn is “home made”. Not under coercive circumstances.. but I expect that depends on what is being viewed.
Plenty of men out there on the internet are willing to do/show you anything all by themselves, no women or men or other partners involved.. this is mentioned as one example.
Fetish interests …a whole other story
Internet porn is definitely not the same as the old dodgy video store porn where actors were paid to do stuff they’d never want to do.
I’m not sure about the correlation of porn to trafficking because that’s more likely linked to paedophiliac interests (young men/women, the “barely legal” trade) or “regular” prostitution.
And I say that as someone who (for the purposes of vagueness and confidentiality) worked in that area (as in services to assist the victims).

@Facecream it is very naive to think that there is not massive exploitation of women being filmed for “amateur” porn which is then posted all over the internet

I do despair at how willing people are to turn a blind eye to the vast scope for the sexual exploitation of women and girls (and some men and boys) in porn.

not all porn fine but how on earth can you tell? The answer is you can’t. So there is always a (pretty good) chance you are watching a woman being sexually exploited and possibly raped.

are so many of you really so naive to think that a woman who is solo might not be being coerced into it. And if not what kind of trauma has that woman had that she feels she need to expose herself to strangers over the internet - psychologically healthy women do not do that.

i despair at the lack of concern that so many other women have for the damage the porn industry does to so many women and girls

@Anydaynowonewouldhope
Ok .. but.. I’ve seen porn that doesn’t involve women.
At all.
There are thousands of men on various sites wanking themselves to death for a “like” or a friendship.
It is naive to think that all pornography (and I am absolutely not in favour of porn) involves a man/men having a sexual encounter with a woman.
Because that’s only one aspect of porn.
Its also ignoring the home made “couples” porn.
None of this interests me btw, but the repeated “you can’t tell if the woman is exploited “ presumes that there actually is a woman in it!!
Hence.. why I asked the Op - what was the site?

Not everyone does, yep, seriously.

Agreed

Oh, well then, I'm sure that if porn doesn't involve women and just men, it's guaranteed to be totally healthy and not in the least bit exploitative. Men never get exploited, do they?

Home-made couples porn must also be absolutely fine, because no one could ever pretend to be in a couple, could they? Obviously, other porn where someone pretends to be someone else is quite different?

TLDR: FFS, what is wrong with you that you think it's ok if men (or men's wives, which you seem to think is a category of 'men') are exploited and abused, rather than women?

Perhaps what is bothering the OP the most is not the contents of his phone, but the fact that he has lied to her about it.

Is that the excuse you use to make it ok?

If most men abused underage boys (as was the case in societies past), would you say it was ok, because most people did it?

@Facecream i think if you read read what I wrote you’ll find that I also referred to men and boys.

are you trying to make some sort of odd gay rights point?

im sure that there is exploitation in male only porn as well - why wouldn’t there be?

and you think that because porn is amateur/home made there is less likely to be exploitation. I mean. Not really likely is it.

@SarahAndQuack
I didn’t say there was anything “ok” about any of it.
I am not a fan.
But I don’t accept the claim that everyone in porn is coerced into doing it.
Personally, I couldn’t put up with a porn user in my life, but that’s my choice. I’m not going to pretend it’s because everyone in every porn clip is potentially coerced. Because that’s bollox

@Facecream not all porn hey.

the point remains how do you tell?

@Moro93 isnt fussed if there are many porn sites where women are being exploited because some aren’t.

my point is there is no way you can know which is which and it is vastly more likely that there is exploitation involved.

and even if this is not direct physical coercion there are many ways in which women are economically coerced or get there after a life of abuse

the myth of the happy porn star (including the happy amateur porn star) is like the myth of the happy hooker. It is is rare as to not be reliable

I would be more shocked if someone didn’t watch porn to be honest. I think the majority do.

I wouldn’t be bothered if my other half was watching it personally, but only you know how you feel OP.

@Anydaynowonewouldhope Actually porn these days is way more likely to be ethical than that of days past. There is a lot more safeguarding involved in who is allowed to upload content. Women (and men) these days willingly choose to work in the industry and create and publish their own content.

Of course there will still be those being exploited and I have not once said I'm okay with that. There is expolitation in every industry and there is people working against it, but that doesn't mean the industry itself shouldn't exist.

It also doesn't mean there aren't those who enjoy what they're doing and get some type of empowerment/fulfillment or even those who maybe don't enjoy it so much but still willingly choose to do it without force or coercion because they make a lot more money than they could doing some other job they'd also dislike.

I am also not some porn addict, it is possible to watch it on occasion without becoming addicted. I'm don't agree with those who watch it on a regular basis, watch anything remotely dodgy, and those who lie to their partners about it.

@Moro93 unless OP’s DH was on a specific ethical pornography website (which is still far from a guarantee of not watching women be raped) there is no way it’s ethical. There are dozens of women at the moment trying to get sites like pornhub to remove videos of them being raped as minors and the websites rarely ever act until expensive legal action is taken. Even when they do the videos are often reuploaded within days.

Don't start me off ! Here we go again all the 'cool' wives saying they are fine with porn and people who ain't are crazy . It's ok to not be fine with your partner watching it ! I hate it and would leave and have left a relationship because of it . It's a betrayal of trust !

@Moro93 would love detailed information on how pornhub dedicates itself to safeguarding?

Your first paragraph is just absolutely not true. There ARE sights with better safeguarding than days gone by granted. But have you ever heard of revenge porn? Of the fact that literally almost anyone could have footage of themselves uploaded and be completely unaware of it. To say it’s more ethical is insane. OF is one way of making porn, there are still a barrage of people out there who wouldn’t remotely consider paying for porn because of the sheer amount of free content available.

Did you think he didn't watch it?

Surely this is a personal thing? You can't tell someone to not watch porn?

Fucks me off when posters say ‘everyone watches porn’ no they do not and stop normalising it ffs!!!