Why Is DH watching that?

[Autumnalflower]

I went to browse something on dh phone today & as I went onto safari it was on private & a porn site was open & a blank screen. I stupidly said oh why’s it on private and he quickly said oh let me have a look. His reply was it must have Gone on private with the vpn - it does that!

now I’m not stupid & really don’t believe that! It’s shocked me & I haven’t approached it with him that I saw the porn site!

I don’t know how I feel about it, am I overreacting?

There is no point getting all angry, it is already normalised, porn is as main stream as it gets. No of course not everyone watches it but the overwhelming majority of adults have seen porn at some point, and men watching porn is very common. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is pointless.

you can say you don’t like it, object to it or lay out your own thoughts about it, but pretending it’s not a main stream part of our society is ludicrous,

I tried to be a 'cool' GF once. It didn't work.

He was a 'casual' porn user.

It ended when I found out he was cheating on me with three other women, including his ex-wife.

It seems his boundaries were rather porous, to say the least.🙄

I vowed after that I would never entertain a porn user.

@Anydaynowonewouldhope I'm pretty sure with all the other 'facts' you know you're perfectly capable of finding this information yourself, it's very easy to. I'm not some Pornhub promoter.

@ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty It's actually quite common knowledge that Pornhub deleted millions of videos a couple of years ago and now has strict verification methods for uploaders. I have no idea which site OP's dh was on and feel that her post is being derailed with the ethics of pornography.

@yerdaindicatesonbends It is true and probably the biggest risk with amateur porn is leaked sex tapes. I personally would never trust a partner with photos or sex tapes as I believe this is always a risk regardless of relationship status or how long you've been together.

I actually think some people are still against women expressing anything too sexual, whether that's watching porn or making it. There always has to be something else behind it. I'd say that, on mainstream sites such as Pornhub, there is probably few videos with stars who were coerced and didn't do so willingly.

@upsidedown21 It isn't about the 'cool wives' as not only men watch it! There are plenty of women who do as well, including married ones. It is sexist to think otherwise. It is a betrayal of trust only if you've explicitly told your partner that it is something you're against in a relationship. It is an individual thing and something couples should talk about.

Watching porn is ok, it’s not an excuse. You may not agree with it and that’s fine. I don’t feel the same way and I don’t have a problem with it.
Lots of people do it because it’s seen as something normal.

@Anniefrenchfry exactly! Porn is extremely mainstream and while not everyone watches it, a majority consume some type of porn. Even if not videos, people look at photos, read erotica, even look at sex scenes in movies to get themselves off. Don't even get me started on hentai

@Moro93 And neither would I. Unfortunately I know of instances where footage, videos were taken without consent. I just think it is incredibly naive to state that the porn industry is safer now than ever. Parts yes, but the rest is terrifying, and we are yet to fully see the repercussions of porn, and the varying types, being so readily available. I suspect the next decade will be very telling.

And what you said about female sexual empowerment is exactly how porn has somehow been lumped in the progressive category. Should women be able to make money from their sexuality? Absolutely yes. But that’s complex too, you can’t just say that because they are making money there aren’t other factors involved, especially when these women are still very young. And you have absolutely no idea how they have been encouraged to ‘make money from their sexual empowerment’.

Once again I think you’re being incredibly naive with your opinions on pornhub etc. Do you consume porn? Apologies if you have already said. If you do I’m assuming you like to feel as though it’s ethical, which is why you think what you do. Consider it is not as rose tinted.

@yerdaindicatesonbends I do consume porn, not regularly but on occasion, and I don't rose-tint it. I know there is a lot of stuff out there that is completely unethical, but that doesn't mean that ethical porn doesn't exist. There are sites dedicated to it. I tend to use sites such as this and if I use Pornhub I tend to stick to certain content creators or stars. Pornhub is just one of the mainstream sites that is a bit better than a majority of others. However, if I feel like partaking in porn then most of the time it is erotic fiction. I can't comment on what other people consume.

As I said in a previous comment, there are ethical concerns in every industry. It isn't always possible to know someone's motivation for doing something, but I think there are a lot more women choosing to do it than people give credit for. A lot of young women choose to do it to finance studying, give themselves a start in life etc. They can make a lot of money in a short time and I do think that's a motivating factor for a lot of young people starting out, especially these days.

If we compare porn to cigarette smoking we can see the same trends .

Cigarette smoking was "cool" in the 50's with "boomers" and then in the 70's when 45% of UK population smoked. It stopped being "trendy" when GenX arrived on the scene.

Now about 13.9% of UK population smoke.

For years people were warned about the health issues surrounding smoking but few listened.

We are still paying the price for years of tobacco consumption now, some 50 years later.

In 2019/2020 there were 506,100 hospital admissions for diseases directly attributed to smoking. This is a burden the NHS does not need.

By the time we realise the damage done by porn we will have raised a generation of people with skewed ideas about intimate relationships, misogyny, sexual dysfunction and an acceptance of 'rape culture'.

@yerdaindicatesonbends and yes, there will be repercussions, mainly addiction. Anything can be addictive when consumed too much.

@Moro93 oh totally, and I wouldn’t deny that but your original comment that I replied to was that porn was much more likely to be ethical and safe guarded than days gone by and that’s what I massively disagree with. There being more access to ethical porn than in the past doesn’t outweigh the amount of unethical porn. And I think a large majority of people probably don’t consider the ethics of it when watching.

@Moro93 its really not empowering that young girls sell their bodies to be used for sex which gives them no pleasure to pay for study. Thst is the myth of free will in a patriarchal society which treats womens bodies as commodities for mmm to be sued for someone else’s sexual pleasure

if you use pornhub at some point in time you will have gotten off to a woman or girl (possibly underage) who has been coerced. You are cool with that. But at least be honest to yourself about it and don’t kid yourself that pornhub is ethical pornhub

as for erotic literature- how is that in any way comparable? Crack on with it. There is nobody being exploited there

@Myunclesmustache You can't compare porn to smoking cigarettes. You can easily consume porn without becoming addicted, the same can't be said for smoking. Also, there is clear health problems associated with smoking. The main issue with consuming porn is addiction if you're watching it frequently. I also think people can be exposed to porn too young, but that's something that should be monitored as far as possible. But not everyone who watches porn has skewed ideas, these things come with exposure at a young age and addiction, a majority can separate it for what it is.

@Moro93 a majority can separate it for what it is.

Really?
The Govt was bothered enough about the issue to commission a Paper on it.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/976730/The_Relationship_between_Pornography_use_and_Harmful_Sexual_Attitudes_and_Behaviours-_literature_review_v1.pdf

@Moro93 the health problems with porn are not only to the viewer who may become addicted - but to the women and girls who are being physically and emotionally harmed - how can you not care about them?

and when you say separate it for “what it is” - what is it? Until ethical porn is actually a reality (no sign of it happening soon) it is for the most part (and you don’t know when) it is watching peoples body being exploited

@Moro93 We have beyond highjacked this thread now buuuuut just to say I casually smoked for 10 years before I actually became addicted. And I would argue that the psychological effects of porn addiction are very damaging. You’re getting piled on a little, and fair enough that you think how you consume porn is ethical, but to assume that the majority do, and that you are certain your porn viewing is ethical, and I’m sorry to use this word again, is just incredibly naive.

@Anydaynowonewouldhope I probably have, but that would likely have been in my late teens when I first watched porn, I'm more careful about what I watch these days.

I personally couldn't find it empowering, it's not something I get, but who's to say what empowers others? Again, it is not just women.

I'm not comparing erotic fiction, I know it's a different ballgame. Someone asked if I consume porn and I answered that I do but it's not mainly videos.

Apologies if this has been posted before - www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/04/violence-against-women-culture-true-crime-pornography-onscreen

@Moro93 you may wish it wasn’t so - but if you watch pornhub you are watching ethical porn

the current reality is thst it is not possible to only watch ethical porn

you are kidding yourself

You are NOT watching ethical porn that should read!

@yerdaindicatesonbends I know! I'm sorry OP that your post has been taken over with this, it's a bit ridiculous.

I am careful with what I watch but again, I can't comment on others. A majority probably do use sites like Pornhub. I have been naive in the past but not so much now, but it is naive of the people on here to assume that a majority of people don't watch porn.

Again, I disagree with the smoking comparison. Those who casually watch porn are unlikely to have psychological effects, the same can't be said for the physical effects on those who smoke.

@Anydaynowonewouldhope I mainly use other sites and like I said, I probably have watched videos in the past that aren't exactly ethical. I'm not kidding myself about anything.

This is kind of aimed at everyone mentioning me as I am getting kind of piled on and it's difficult to keep track. There are some people who are never going to be ok with porn, no matter what the circumstances are. That's fine, everyone is allowed their opinions. But don't assume that a majority of people don't watch it because it is very mainstream, even those who don't watch it have done so at some point. How many of you can say you've never watched it? In regards to watching it if you're in a relationship, that's something that should be discussed. I think a lot of women turn a blind eye and kid themselves that their partners don't watch it, and can be shocked when they find out they do. That's why I believe it's something that should be discussed openly early in a relationship and your boundaries made clear.

@Moro93 My smoking comparison was more to prove that we can relate our personal experience to anything. So I smoked casually, and it didn’t have any repercussions on my health for 10 years before I got addicted. I could then by experience, state that people are able to smoke for 10 years without it having any negative effect or addiction. Obvs not true.

I don’t think anyone here has been naive by stating people don’t watch porn. A majority do. But it does not have to accepted and there ARE people who don’t. Like I said I think this thread took a turn when you said it was more ethical these days.

You are not over reacting. There are obviously some people who think its fine. I'm not one of them. And thats totally ok. I actually think i'm in the majority and not the minority as i'm led to believe on MN.

I have very strong views on porn. If I found a porn site on my dh's phone, it would be over for us because he knows thats a very firm, unmovable line for me. If he wants to look at porn then its his choice, but he'd need to decice what he would prefer to have in life. Me or porn. Don't give a shit if it sounds like an ultimatum.

If he watched in secret, knowing my boundary around it and I found out. he'd be gone that day. Solely because he already knew my stance on it, and had agreed to be with me knowing this. I don't have boundaries in place for them to be walked over. Either accept it or move on. Its something I will not budge on, or compromise on and I have my very good reasons for this.

Thank you for all your replies. I haven’t had the courage to ask him, I really don’t even know how to bring it up. I think that day when I saw it I should have said something because now he’s probably going to deny it or say it was a pop up etc. We’ve never had the chat of porn. Seems like a lot of people are okay with it, although I still am not. I’ll see how to bring it up in next few days and see what he says.

OP has your sex life changed recently or is it a moral objection?

Our sex life isn’t the best! We’ve got young kids & im always tired!! when I initiate then he’s not in the mood & when he does it’s always middle of the night when I’m half asleep!