Is this a joke?

[Starfly]

My boyfriend of 5 years was joking around with my daughter the other night. He was drunk which is not an excuse.
I was in the living room and they were in the kitchen. He was at the fridge with his back to her he pulled his pants down and mooned her. I didn’t realise straight away what had happened. She has just turned 18 years old.
next day she was upset by this. I think it’s not a joke if that’s what he thought.
I did ask him over the phone the next day and he said he couldn’t remember then he said it wasn’t a proper moon just messing about. She said it was a proper showing his bum.
He got mad and hung up the phone. I was the one who is mad about this!

Oh get a grip!

I've no idea how OP's daughter could see his arsehole, unless he was also bending over clutching his ankles . . .

I don't think of the buttocks as a particularly sexualised part of the body, so I'm not sure it was necessarily 'creepy' - although it obviously was if his intention was to be a creep. It was incredibly juvenile and inappropriate whichever way you slice it, though. I'd be calling it a day.

Whether he thought it was a joke or not is irrelevent, it's how she took it that matters. If he was thinking of her feelings at all his default would be to avoid anything that might make her feel uncomfortable. He clearly wasn't thinking of her feelings and is either an emotionally immature man who will continue to make her feel uncomfortable or he is an outright predatory creep chancing his luck and pushing her boundaries.

I'm also struggling with the fact that he was drunk. I'm very far from being a paid-up member of the temperance society but having drunk people in your home, regardless of who they are, should be a vanishingly rare occurrence. You mention his drunkenness almost as though it's semi-normal - it shouldn't be.

So boiling it down you've got a boyfriend who stoats about shitfaced in your home and behaves inappropriately towards your daughter. You may not set a very high bar for your own partners but at least set a decent one for your children and who you force them to share their home with. Their home should be the one place in the world where they always feel safe and secure, not somewhere they have to run the gauntlet of mum's inappropriate drunk boyfriend.

The PPs have summed up how out of order it was and how bad it was to lie about it - you know now you can’t trust anything he says.

I’d like to add that he is way too immature to be in a grown up relationship. Mooning made me think of “The Inbetweeners” the programme about immature, nasty teenage boys. It’s funny because it’s true, but still revolting.

Very on point post.

All of this confirms the creepiness, he's a predator and a skip rat.

Dispose of him.
He is not safe.

He was inappropriate with your daughter when drunk. If he doesn't have impulse control then he can't be around her. These men get angry when pulled up on this stuff because they think they're entitled. The proper response would have been a lot of apologises to the both of you.

I’m still fuming over this. Appreciate all the comments, thanks everyone.
If he had owned up and apologised to my daughter, still not good, might of been something. Putting the phone down on me like it was my fault and kind of making out I should see it as a joke. But lack of consideration/respect and like someone said earlier this year he did lie about other things.
Just surprised he thought it was okay and had never done anything like that before, out of the blue. He really has never done this before. My daughter only just turned 18, so does he now think it’s fine to joke like this?
His drinking has got worse lately and it’s no excuse. I have told him to sort it out but he has refused.

Abominable. It reminds me of babboons in the zoo waving their arses around in the hope of attracting a mate. Your poor daughter. She shouldn’t have to share a house with him. Not very long ago, she was seventeen. Would you have reacted differently if he’d done it then?

This totally.

She is 18 totally unwarranted and unacceptable.

I’d imagine that if she wanted to take it further with the police they would find it unacceptable too - so yes a dump from me. The fact that he was angry and defensive and not mortified and apologetic is the icing on the dump cake. Really he can’t see why a teenager wouldn’t see this as creepy, perverted and potentially a criminal act.

west-midlands.police.uk/your-options/flashing-indecent-exposure-and-sex-acts-public#

she has rights and I would be encouraging her to report it. We must not sweep this sort of thing under the carpet.

And let’s be fair, there is NO circumstance where he was justified in opening his trousers and lowering them and his underpants before your young daughter, whichever way he was facing at the time.

Well it's goodbye to him then.

What a gross thing to do. I hope your daughter is okay.

I think he has to go. I would hate to be 18 and forced to share my living space with a man who might drop his trousers around me at any time.

If I were you I'd be extremely concerned that I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man old enough to theoretically have an 18 year old DD, who is immature enough to think it funny to pull his pants down and show her his arse (don't minimise what he has done by calling it by mooning).

Would it be so funny if he had been facing the other direction and wiggled his penis at her? Just as offensive in my book.

I wouldn't be with this man at all, he's a disgusting creep, and your DD should feel her home is a safe space. It currently isn't with this pervert around. Don't let him back in.

Of course you should tell him to get out.

Has he been living in your house with your daughter all this time?

Please don't ever subject your dd to having this man in her home again. I've been that teenager having older male relatives acting inappropriately around me and it's horrible. You feel like you can't do anything about it because the behaviour is not quite bad enough that you feel you can ask to never have to see them again, but they make you feel uncomfortable enough that you hope you never have to see them again.

I don't know if you will split up with him or not, that's up to you. But please keep him away from your daughter, don't force her to "put up" with him.

This person needs to go.Awful individual.Why would you want this?I hope he is living in your house so you can tell him to go now.Good luck

Or whatever age she was 16 or 86!

I can sort of understand a bloke getting so drunk and stupidly mooning his mates as some sort of idiot prank. However, i'd expect them to be some immature 20 year old. Definitely NOT a mature man mooning his only just 18 year old step daughter in her house. Thats a whole different thing entirely.

I cannot think of any way a grown man could be so drunk that he thought that would be an appropriate thing to do. It just isn't.

The absolute very least he should have done was a grovelling apology to both of you, way before you called him out on it. The fact your DD is upset, and he is angry that you both didn't take it as a 'joke' speaks volumes.

The 'joke' was the hilarious showing of his bottom.

OP he needs to go.
What if he had suddenly turned round with his pants down?
"oops! haha! don't know how that happened!'
Vile.

I have an 18 year old daughter and I would be horrified if I had a partner who did that to her. Not a joke and not funny. It’s intimidating for a grown man to expose himself to a young girl like that and you weren’t even there.

Never would I allow any man to make my daughter feel uncomfortable in her own home. He'd instantly be gone and blocked. You have to show your daughter how to have strong boundaries and high expectations.

Totally inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour made worse by his defensive reaction of putting the phone down, lack of acknowledgement and lack of apology to you and your daughter.

He's a creep.

Show him the door OP. Permanently.

Hope you dump him