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Original poster

Church wedding after divorce

69 replies

Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:02

My OH and I would like to get married. He's been married once before, to someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive.

We'd prefer to marry in our parish church rather than a registry office or other venue. However, we haven't contacted the vicar yet, as frankly I'm afraid that it'll either be a flat 'no' or there will be a lot of probing into why his first marriage failed which (rightly or wrongly) I think he'll find too painful, shameful, etc.

I've found a form on the CofE website that is designed to be completed by couples in our position and given to the vicar. It states:

"The Church accepts that, in exceptional circumstances, a divorced person may marry again in church during the lifetime of a former spouse.". There are also lots of questions including "What did you learn from your previous marriage?"

I was surprised by the tone of this. It seems to imply that we're likely to be turned down unless we do a fair amount of explaining and he shows some sort of contrition / personal growth.

There are many, many divorced people who have suffered horrendously at the hands of previous spouses (much more so than my OH) so I would have assumed there was an underlying understanding of that these days. But the tone of what I've read makes me wonder.

Does anyone have experience of this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:02

(Name changed for this thread.)

OP posts:
lifechanginglemoncake · 18/10/2022 15:05

I would call the vicar and talk to them on the phone about it. In my experience the usual reason for refusing remarriage in church would be if this relationship caused the breakdown of the previous marriage. I know friends who got married in the parish church when one of them was divorced but it wasn't a big deal. Vicars are usually pretty relaxed and friendly. If you're worried your partner won't want to open up about it you could call and speak to the vicar first and outline the situation. They will probably be delighted to hear from you and keen for you to get married at church.

FionnulaTheCooler · 18/10/2022 15:07

I was surprised by the tone of this. It seems to imply that we're likely to be turned down unless we do a fair amount of explaining and he shows some sort of contrition / personal growth

I would have expected this to be the case, tbh. When you've taken vows before God that what he has joined should not be separated the church tends to take that pretty seriously. I have a relative who tried to get a marriage annulled when her husband became abusive, and was turned down. Speak to the vicar and see what happens but be prepared for it not to go your way.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 18/10/2022 15:09

I know a vicar who has a personal blank ban on marrying anyone who has already been married because he knows that he can't possibly judge whether it was a good reason or not for the divorce,

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 18/10/2022 15:11

Sorry, sent too soon. And so rather than try to weed out those who didn't divorce for a "good" reason, just doesn't marry any marriages after divorce in his church.

So it can come down to personal conviction of the vicar involved.

HaggisBurger · 18/10/2022 15:13

I must say I’d be surprised by that tone on the form and be tempted to point to the flagrant adultery and subsequent marrying as a divorcé of a divorcée by the current head of the Church of England.

(actually like Camilla but let’s leave the hypocrisy C or E)

Kellie45 · 18/10/2022 15:16

Can I ask you if you are a regular attender of church or a believer? What makes you want to get married in church?

CLB1234 · 18/10/2022 15:17

MY DH is divorced and we got married in a church. I spoke to the vicar and there were a couple of questions: was I the reason for the divorce, was he still in love with his wife, and we're there children involved? They can't be seen to be condoning adultery and if there were children, the need to make sure they were loved and taken care of.

From our side the answer was no to all questions so our vicar was happy to write to the Bishop and recommend we were allowed to get married in the church. The questions weren't dreadful and our vicar wasn't against it personally which made it easier.

Give them a call, yes we had to go and see the vicar and my DH had to answer the questions but our vicar was kind and didn't probe more than she needed to.

Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:17

HaggisBurger · 18/10/2022 15:13

I must say I’d be surprised by that tone on the form and be tempted to point to the flagrant adultery and subsequent marrying as a divorcé of a divorcée by the current head of the Church of England.

(actually like Camilla but let’s leave the hypocrisy C or E)

I suppose the argument there is that his first wife was no longer living.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:18

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 18/10/2022 15:11

Sorry, sent too soon. And so rather than try to weed out those who didn't divorce for a "good" reason, just doesn't marry any marriages after divorce in his church.

So it can come down to personal conviction of the vicar involved.

Wow. So no room for the abused on his watch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:19

CLB1234 · 18/10/2022 15:17

MY DH is divorced and we got married in a church. I spoke to the vicar and there were a couple of questions: was I the reason for the divorce, was he still in love with his wife, and we're there children involved? They can't be seen to be condoning adultery and if there were children, the need to make sure they were loved and taken care of.

From our side the answer was no to all questions so our vicar was happy to write to the Bishop and recommend we were allowed to get married in the church. The questions weren't dreadful and our vicar wasn't against it personally which made it easier.

Give them a call, yes we had to go and see the vicar and my DH had to answer the questions but our vicar was kind and didn't probe more than she needed to.

Thank you, that helps. I feel braver about making an approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:23

FionnulaTheCooler · 18/10/2022 15:07

I was surprised by the tone of this. It seems to imply that we're likely to be turned down unless we do a fair amount of explaining and he shows some sort of contrition / personal growth

I would have expected this to be the case, tbh. When you've taken vows before God that what he has joined should not be separated the church tends to take that pretty seriously. I have a relative who tried to get a marriage annulled when her husband became abusive, and was turned down. Speak to the vicar and see what happens but be prepared for it not to go your way.

Even if the previous spouse broke their vow to love and cherish and instead brutalised and crushed. If that's really the attitude, registry office it is!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:24

lifechanginglemoncake · 18/10/2022 15:05

I would call the vicar and talk to them on the phone about it. In my experience the usual reason for refusing remarriage in church would be if this relationship caused the breakdown of the previous marriage. I know friends who got married in the parish church when one of them was divorced but it wasn't a big deal. Vicars are usually pretty relaxed and friendly. If you're worried your partner won't want to open up about it you could call and speak to the vicar first and outline the situation. They will probably be delighted to hear from you and keen for you to get married at church.

Thank you, I was wondering about calling ahead and having that initial conversation myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:25

Thanks everyone for your replies. It sounds like it will be what it will be, depending on the personal conviction of our vicar. No harm in giving him a call!

OP posts:
SandboxSalsa · 18/10/2022 15:26

I'm a CofE vicar, and one who is happy to remarry divorcé(e)s - as many (?most) clergy will also will be. As long as the current relationship didn't cause the breakdown of the previous one, and as long as someone doesn't have a string of divorces.

I'm sorry that it feels painful and intrusive - I would say most vicars I know understand that life is messy (and that people in abusive relationships should absolutely be ending that relationship), and will be as gentle as possible in talking it through. TBH I would send a very brief email to the vicar (or call) asking if it's a possibility, saying not much at all but maybe alluding to the dynamics of the previous marriage (very briefly, not in a 'laying oneself bare' kind of way). I do know vicars who won't marry divorcé(e)s at all because they hate making those judgments (or because they are super conservative about divorce), but I think most probably will. And be very happy to marry them!

BadGranny · 18/10/2022 15:27

Depends a bit on the vicar, and the guidance issued by the diocese, but it’s not at all unusual for divorcees to marry in church. If you are not religious, or don’t much mind which denomination, you might want to consider your local Methodist church, since they are usually quite open to marriage after divorce.

But why church? If it’s just as a ‘venue’ then the religious aspect of the church ceremony won’t necessarily sit comfortably.

GingerbreadPanda · 18/10/2022 15:28

When I got married it was clearly stressed that whilst it's expected that marriage lasts for life, etc, that the church didn't condone abuse and no one should stay in an abusive marriage and the church would support you leaving. (No one was getting remarried to my knowledge)

My friends vicar discussed divorce being okay during the ceremony. That was wierd. But my point is there are churches where it won't be an issue.

Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:28

SandboxSalsa · 18/10/2022 15:26

I'm a CofE vicar, and one who is happy to remarry divorcé(e)s - as many (?most) clergy will also will be. As long as the current relationship didn't cause the breakdown of the previous one, and as long as someone doesn't have a string of divorces.

I'm sorry that it feels painful and intrusive - I would say most vicars I know understand that life is messy (and that people in abusive relationships should absolutely be ending that relationship), and will be as gentle as possible in talking it through. TBH I would send a very brief email to the vicar (or call) asking if it's a possibility, saying not much at all but maybe alluding to the dynamics of the previous marriage (very briefly, not in a 'laying oneself bare' kind of way). I do know vicars who won't marry divorcé(e)s at all because they hate making those judgments (or because they are super conservative about divorce), but I think most probably will. And be very happy to marry them!

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:29

BadGranny · 18/10/2022 15:27

Depends a bit on the vicar, and the guidance issued by the diocese, but it’s not at all unusual for divorcees to marry in church. If you are not religious, or don’t much mind which denomination, you might want to consider your local Methodist church, since they are usually quite open to marriage after divorce.

But why church? If it’s just as a ‘venue’ then the religious aspect of the church ceremony won’t necessarily sit comfortably.

It's not about the venue. It's a spiritual preference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:30

@BadGranny useful info re the Methodist church too, thank you

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Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:31

Thanks @GingerbreadPanda

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gogohmm · 18/10/2022 15:31

We don't ask people to complete that form. Most of the people that marry at our church are divorced lately.

Vicars can elect not to marry divorcees but most do

Original poster
Curlycrisps · 18/10/2022 15:35

Thank you @gogohmm

OP posts:
sevenbyseven · 18/10/2022 15:40

HaggisBurger · 18/10/2022 15:13

I must say I’d be surprised by that tone on the form and be tempted to point to the flagrant adultery and subsequent marrying as a divorcé of a divorcée by the current head of the Church of England.

(actually like Camilla but let’s leave the hypocrisy C or E)

But Charles and Camilla didn't marry in a church - they had a civil ceremony, presumably for this very reason.

sevenbyseven · 18/10/2022 15:41

I do take your point though, that even the head of the Church of England is divorced and remarried!