Church wedding after divorce

[Curlycrisps]

My OH and I would like to get married. He's been married once before, to someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive.

We'd prefer to marry in our parish church rather than a registry office or other venue. However, we haven't contacted the vicar yet, as frankly I'm afraid that it'll either be a flat 'no' or there will be a lot of probing into why his first marriage failed which (rightly or wrongly) I think he'll find too painful, shameful, etc.

I've found a form on the CofE website that is designed to be completed by couples in our position and given to the vicar. It states:

"The Church accepts that, in exceptional circumstances, a divorced person may marry again in church during the lifetime of a former spouse.". There are also lots of questions including "What did you learn from your previous marriage?"

I was surprised by the tone of this. It seems to imply that we're likely to be turned down unless we do a fair amount of explaining and he shows some sort of contrition / personal growth.

There are many, many divorced people who have suffered horrendously at the hands of previous spouses (much more so than my OH) so I would have assumed there was an underlying understanding of that these days. But the tone of what I've read makes me wonder.

Does anyone have experience of this situation?

Definitely ask - as others have said it is down to the individual vicar, and most are supportive so it is certainly worth a try. Particularly in the case of someone who had an abusive marriage (although I understand he may not want to share that).
I didn’t want to get married anywhere else but our local church, and luckily the vicar was very happy to do it (after some not particularly invasive questions as part of a friendly chat). She just wanted to know that we’d thought about it and that the breakdown of my DH’s first marriage was nothing to do with me. He has no children but as PPs have said, she did also ask about his support of them, which I thought was fair enough.

My brother had to do this when he remarried last year in church. They wanted quite a lot of detail and I think they were trying to ascertain that he's intending this to be a marriage for life rather than him being someone who marries and it means nothing.
His marriage ended due to his wife's infidelity so he had a 'valid' reason for his divorce and they were happy to perform the marriage.

This is the thing though, if you want to marry within a particular religion, rightly or wrongly, their values should match your own. I wouldn’t want to marry within any institution that questioned my life choices or made me feel bad about them.

Dh and I (first marriage for both) had a humanist wedding for that reason. It set better with our values and we felt very well supported throughout.

I wondered that too. I’m always a bit baffled by couples who want a church wedding but are totally unfamiliar with the Christian church, haven’t bothered with any affiliation beforehand and don’t seem to take the sacramental aspect seriously. It’s not as if it’s the only option now.

Maybe it’s just a pretty church so will look good on the ol’ insta…

I think as a previous poster suggested, Boris's two previous marriages were to non-Catholics and not in the Catholic Church so they were not recognized as impediments or something like that.

On the other hand I have a friend in the US who years after his marriage to a non-Catholic in a non-Catholic ceremony and divorced received a petition for annulment by his ex-wife who had become Catholic and wanted to marry her Catholic fiance in the Catholic Church. My friend agreed to it so I assume the annulment was granted.

The c of e wording is standard and enables the individual vicar to approach as they prefer. I would say more vicars will agree than not agree these days.

My husband was divorced - his first wife ran off with her boss after less than a year, no kids but our vicar at the time wouldn't marry us (very old school) even though we were regular parishioners. (He was happy enough to suggest a blessing ceremony and charge £300 for it. Wev turned that down as it seemed rather fake if he didn't consider us married in the eyes of the church!) This was in 2000. We've had two further vicars at the church since then and both of them are willing to marry divorcees.

@Curlycrisps They might feel they have to sound firm about things on their website, but from all I've heard, the C of E don't have a problem with marrying divorcees at all.

I was surprised about Johnson. Ex MiL had to change religion over the refusal of the Catholic Church to marry her a second time. Her hideous first DH has been a physically violent abuser who ran off with a teenager. Why on earth should she have been confined to live alone from then on-she'd done nothing wrong, however you look at it.

@Curlycrisps I’m a priest in the CofE and I have married many divorced people. There are a few extra questions but it’s normally just done as part of a general friendly
conversation when you meet the couple.

All of my clergy friends and colleagues have no issue with remarrying a divorcee either. I know there are some who won’t but I think nowadays they are the exception.
As long as the new relationship didn’t break up the original marriage and the new spouse isn’t named on the decree absolute, it is fine.

Good luck x

What about asking whether the divorced person is honoring commitments to any children of the previous marriage? That was the main concern of the Episcopal priest (and the bishop whose permission was required at the time) in the US who married DH and me. Considering all of the parents (mainly men) who do their best to avoid paying child support, I would think that would be as great a moral concern as how the marriage ended.

I know the question wasn't directed at me, but I thought I would answer anyway.

I was brought up in the church and always wanted to have God involved. This is why had we not been able to have our marriage service in church then I would have wanted the marriage blessed after going to do the legal part elsewhere. Luckily the vicar was happy to perform the ceremony and we are now regular churchgoers at that particular church. We don't live in the parish either, so it's further to travel but we felt so welcome while we were attending to establish our connection that we stayed.

I struggle when non-churchgoers really want a church 'do' as it's almost always a pretty church that will look good in the photos...Makes me cross too when a couple refers to it as a 'venue'. Irrational, probably, but there you go.

I echo previous comments ... do you attend Church and are part of the church family?

i have a faith and attend church regularly however when I married my first DH (now ex!) he was not a Church goer and had no faith ... yet it was his DM who really wanted us to get married in a Church.

Despite my strong faith I didn't want to get married 'in front of God' to someone who didn't believe but just wanted a church wedding to please his non religious DM. We married in a register office ... as I did again when I married my second DH 35 years ago.

Personally I find it quite uncomfortable attending weddings in Church when it is pretty obvious that the couple have no faith or interest in the Church rather than it being an 'attractive venue' but I accept I am being very unkind in my view.

@Curlycrisps What if the new marriage did break up the old one as the old one was abusive ?

@SenecaFallsRedux that may well come up in conversation too. I have very gentle but detailed conversations with all wedding couples (divorced or not) and I ask relevant questions which are sometimes challenging ones if necessary. I’m not judgmental but also if I had concerns then I’d raise them.
Another example would be if I thought one of the couple was being coerced.

@BananaCocktails I’m not sure to be honest. I’ve never had to say no to marrying anyone so although the CofE has the rule about the new spouse not being part of the original divorce, I’ve never encountered it.

There are some situations that are up to the Bishop’s pastoral discretion though so I would probably take a scenario like the one you mentioned to him.
I took a wedding of a lovely older couple where one of them had been divorced 3 times (not abusive marriages) which potentially raises questions about the importance/commitment of marriage but after meeting them and hearing the circumstances in detail, I spoke to the Bishop who said it was fine.
There are rules but we acknowledge that life is messy and complicated. Abuse in a marriage is horrific and if someone had endured this then my first priority would be a sense of pastoral care.

@Ragwort I don’t think you’re being unkind in your view but you may be surprised at what is going on under the surface for some people.
Of course some people just want a pretty venue but I always ask couples why they are choosing to get married in a church and some of the answers are really interesting. A sense of ‘something more’ or ‘deeper’, which, when I ask further questions, is a faith that they can’t articulate. These are often non church goers but there is ‘something there’. Often they come back a few years later to have children baptised and then end up bringing their children to church regularly.

You right Happy and I dislike myself for being judgmental... you sound like a very honest and supportive Minister.

Hey my husband and I have been trying to find one that would allow him to marry me in a church. He was previously married for 30+ years but he was always unhappy due to her always being mean and wasting money like it falls from trees. She never was considerate of how much he works. Him and I have a pretty big age gap but we love each other. I really want to get married at a church and he wants to aswell. Can you please tell me his info we can’t to get married in around 3 years and we are already planning.

this thread is over a year old - suggest you start your own.

the gist of the thread is that most vicars are ok to do this so why not start by asking in your local church?