Church wedding after divorce

[Curlycrisps]

My OH and I would like to get married. He's been married once before, to someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive.

We'd prefer to marry in our parish church rather than a registry office or other venue. However, we haven't contacted the vicar yet, as frankly I'm afraid that it'll either be a flat 'no' or there will be a lot of probing into why his first marriage failed which (rightly or wrongly) I think he'll find too painful, shameful, etc.

I've found a form on the CofE website that is designed to be completed by couples in our position and given to the vicar. It states:

"The Church accepts that, in exceptional circumstances, a divorced person may marry again in church during the lifetime of a former spouse.". There are also lots of questions including "What did you learn from your previous marriage?"

I was surprised by the tone of this. It seems to imply that we're likely to be turned down unless we do a fair amount of explaining and he shows some sort of contrition / personal growth.

There are many, many divorced people who have suffered horrendously at the hands of previous spouses (much more so than my OH) so I would have assumed there was an underlying understanding of that these days. But the tone of what I've read makes me wonder.

Does anyone have experience of this situation?

We did this, there was probing- it was very awkward (for my DH) but that was all, it wasn’t judgemental. 20-30 min in person conversation with the priest. The questions he asked were reasonable and things that DH and I had already discussed, as we should have (why didn’t it work out, what had he learned that he would bring into our relationship, how did I feel about it, etc)

In my church those that marry after divorce tend to be part of the congregation so the vicar knows them. Usually knew them through the divorce and the subsequent period so could make a more informed call about the circumstances.

DH and I have both been divorced and we got married in church. We were nervous about asking the vicar but he was fine about it. We didn’t have to say about why our previous marriages broke up but we did have some discussion with him in general about it.

Well, the King wasn't married in church 2nd time around - that was the whole point, as the CofE did not allow it! They had a civil marriage followed by a church blessing, so that might be an option for you, OP.

Having said that, the Duchess of Sussex was (surprisingly) married in church following her her first marriage ending in divorce, so maybe the rules have been relaxed?

My dp is divorced and I was upset at the thought of not being able to marry in my family church. We had a chat with the Victor and he is happy to marry us at church!

The vicar has the ultimate say-so. Ours said no. So we had a quick registry office ceremony, then two priest friends laid on a wonderful blessing in a different church that was indistinguishable from the marriage rite.

Thanks again for all your replies.

The choice isn't only between church or registry office. There are lots of beautiful venues around the country that are licensed for weddings. Of course, that won't help if it is the religion part that is important to you.

So why does he judge By refusing to marry them? Sounds a bit power crazed and lacking in forgiveness

I'm pretty sure most churches are happy to have the cash OP and will marry anyone

See this is strange to me. Why would you want a blessing from a church too bigoted to marry you? Seems very submissive

This was our experience. We had just moved in together (after nearly a decade), nowDH had been divorced long before we met. He was on reasonably good terms with his ex, DC all grown up. We live in the church close so I just expected that would be the place to get married when we decided to go for it.

I was completely open, said that although my family and school were very into religion, I was not: no belief in God and no intention to attend although I happy to get involved with preservation of the fabric of the church as a 'friend'.

The then vicar had no problem with any of that, but when he learned that nowDH was divorced, he was sorry but could not in conscience marry us. It wouldn't matter about the circumstances, he was not prepared to make that judgement either way. I was convinced that he meant this, rather than using it as a ploy to get more regular attendance etc when he explained that his now wife had also been divorced and they had got married in a registry office, to avoid any other vicars having to make that judgement...

He was happy to arrange a blessing, but that really did seem at best a bit pointless to me.

We had a lovely wedding and reception in a local country house hotel, where the first thing to do was to find a date when a local Registrar was available to attend. Plenty of accommodation, no transport or logistic challenges. Quite lovely.

Charles and Camilla were married in the register office though.

A Church of England vicar asked for my DH's 1st wife's phone number so he could ask her Opinion.

So I then asked a Church in Wales vicar who said "of course, no problem"

I share your opinion OP. But when it comes down to it, you're asking permission to be married by someone who believes morality springs from a imaginary being as described by bronze-age tribesmen - you can hardly expect rationality.

Their church, their bizarre, contradictory and inhumane rules.

Go for the register office! You'll have a great day, you'll protect your fiance, and you'll be making a tiny contribution towards the withering and dying of the church and its hold on public life.

As I understand it, the impediment was in Camilla's divorced status as Charles's former wife was dead.

But as has been pointed out, Meghan and Harry were allowed to marry in the church.

I married a divorced man in the US Episcopal Church (part of the Anglican Communion) and we had to get permission from the bishop (not sure if that is still the case). The main thing he and the vicar wanted to know was whether my fiance was current with child support payments. The bishop gave his approval and we were married in the church.

An uncle of mine got married in church in 1985 having been divorced by his first wife for being a cheating rat. He continued to be one, cheating on that wife and the next. I often wonder what lies he told the vicar. He's now 68 and the family other than my two cousins don't speak to him.

If it was allowed when I was a 4 year old flower girl surely it should be now.

As someone who is divorced and goes to church, I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that no vicars condones abuse. You'll be fine - just be honest. I'm planning on remarriage and I know my church will be fine with it.

married in church in 1985 having been divorced by his first wife for being a cheating rat.

And twice divorced then Prime Minister Johnson managed to get married in a Catholic Church, well Westminster Cathedral, with ex partners still alive ...

I'm sure it was all explained at the time. If only Henry VIII was around to see it happen, without needing to start a new branch of the religion.

but he did not remarry whilst he had a wife still living.

Founder of the CofE OTOH.....

Divircees can marry in the Catholic church if their first marriage was a different denomination church as effectively the Catholic church don't recognise it. So I'm guessing Boris's other weddings weren't in the Catholic church.

We were married in church, my DH has been married before.
The rules were changed and it's now down to the discretion of the vicar.
Some are quite hard-line and once married, you're married until one of you dies sort of thing, but many are more lenient and ask a few questions, yes, but nothing too intrusive. At least not in our case. Needed to provide proof of divorce of course.
I had been thinking that we'd get married at a register office and then get a blessing in church, but it turned out that we didn't need to.
You also don't have to marry in your parish church, you can marry elsewhere but you would have to establish a connection to the parish before being allowed to marry, so attend once a month for 6 months, for example.

Stuff like this makes me unsurprised that people decide against a church wedding.

My friend married someone who had been married before, the vicar refused to marry them but offered to do a blessing. The only difference between the blessing and an actual marriage was the tense - instead of 'we are here to witness the marriage...' it was 'we are here to celebrate the marriage....'

Seemed pretty petty to my mind but there you go.

I think the difference was that the Duke of Sussex wasn't involved with the breakup of the Duchess of Sussex's first marriage.

We're catholics so don't often see a second marriage in the church as I believe papal permission is needed (at least it was when DHs cousin married a divorcee).

I am surprised that Boris Johnson managed it but I guess he has friends in high places!