Leaving isn’t always better

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else think people say to LTB too quickly and not take into consideration that it’s not always that easy? And for some staying is actually much easier? Once you leave you get no support and are just expected to get on with it and not even so much as moan as you made the choice to be a single parent 😒 is it any wonder that people stay when the alternative isn’t actually any better. I’ve tried to be strong in regards to my ex but what is the point when the grass isn’t actually greener! Has anyone decided to stay for the kids as leaving isn’t actually better?

It will depend so much on the situation.

I like many stayed together for the kids (he left 5 days after dd turned 18). But things weren't that bad, lack of love and affection, arriving home late, playing lots of sports but not the really bad stuff.

I should have left him 10 years earlier really but we made the best of it.

Others have violent, alcoholic partners who are financially abusive and have serial affairs ... totally different, they need to leave

I mean you're staying but dont turn yourself into a martyr and claim you stayed for the kids.

As a survivor of that kind of trauma relationship, just go FFs. Anything is better than forcing a child to grow up in a household where the parents have no love for each other. If its finances that worries you, get a roommate.
Staying in a loveless marriage amounts to the same thing, but it confuses the kids so much more, than if you just move out, move on and move in with a roommate.

I agree with you OP. LTB isn't as straightforward as some people think. Definitely LTB in cases of abuse. But for other scenarios, do people actually consider the practicalities when they advise people to LTB?!

I LTB 12 years ago. Been a lone parent since. I'd rather struggle alone than have my kid grow up in an abusive/dysfunctional situation.

It isn't always better, no.
I have several people in my life that have left abusive marriages that have to hand their children over to have unsupervised time with their abusive fathers.
These women and children are fucked whatever they do. Leaving exposed the children more, staying is reprehensible too. They literally can’t win. Ultimately if you have children with an abusive partner that isn’t one to cut off his children then the abuse continues in some form whatever you do. It’s not something anyone wants to say aloud, but it’s true. The best they can hope for is the man moves on and leaves them alone but in my experience they don’t, they continue to damage.

That’s not to say they shouldn’t LTB, but it’s seldom a happy ending. I completely understand why some women prefer to stay.

No one says it’s easy. What support do you need after leaving that you don’t think you’re getting, and from whom?

When you have children it’s not just about what you can tolerate if they’re living in a bad environment or atmosphere.

What would be better if you’d stayed with him?

You very rarely hear from people who wish their parents had stayed together. You frequently hear from people who had an awful time because their parents refused to split up.

I think leaving or ending the marriage is flung about far too casually on here. I know many disagree but threads where women have gone off sex or feel that the spark has gone elicit some sensible replies but also lots of ‘you have the ick, there is no way back, etc.’

Leaving a relationship with children is a very big thing to do, and you are right OP, that the people who criticise you for staying aren’t there when you are struggling for money, desperately wanting a night off and so on.

But with that being said, in your case I can’t see your partner returning as particularly helpful. Hasn’t he been gone for some years now?

I left. Staying wasn't a situation that was ever going to improve or make me happier, so the choice was leave or waste my life being unhappy. So leaving was the only possible choice.
I've lived alone with ds now for 11 years, no help, and I love it. I don't need ex's input. We have a happy, joyful music-filled home now and I still feel relieved every day. Ds is happy & settled, good school, no toxic nastiness. No-one dragging us down. Money's a bit tight sometimes but I don't mind. 😊 It worked for us.

I’m glad others have agreed with me, yes it’s been a long time but he has tried to get back with me on more than one occasion over those years and I regret not trying again. People are quick to say leave but as I said once you are on your own you are expected to get on with it and never complain because it’s a decision you made. Those who find it better probably have huge supportive families etc so leaving is a lot easier, when you are literally on your own I don’t think it’s as easy as people make out. He told me he loved me last Christmas and I shouldn’t have been so dismissive.

Unfortunately once you’ve had children with the wrong person your life is not going to be easy whatever you do. I know people who are miserable but stay in relationships for the children. I think that’s really damaging for the children to be in that toxic environment but equally your parents separating is damaging too. Such a tough one.

It's ridiculous on here - I remember a thread where a woman was complaining that her partner farts too much and someone honestly suggested she consider aborting his baby and lots were telling her to leave him.

In real life of course I think it's more balanced and every situation is different. It's up to the person in the relationship to weigh it up.

I remember a post from one young mother. She and her husband did not get along in the early stages of their daughter being born. Mum instigated a split within a year of the birth of the child. After a few years she regretted it terribly. her ex husband eventually remarried and had two more children. He had learned and become a great Dad and Husband. Her daughter loved being part of the new family. The OP couldn't really remember why they had split up. She felt it was partly due to PND. She felt she has thrown away the chance to have a family and more children.
I am sure if someone is being abused the right thing to do is split but not if it is simply due to the stress of having a baby.

Depends on the situation. If you’ve got another half who’s violent or threatening to kill you, then get out. Who’d take the risk in staying?
If it’s you’ve gone off each other but think you could get back on track then fine.
There’s no one size fits all rule.

That is so true Rutland.

My MIL stayed. Honestly she had absolutely no choice. Where I live would she would have been destroyed for leaving her “upstanding” husband. He would have destroyed her even more if they had separated.

My plea would be for women to leave an abusive relationship before having kids.

Almost always the signs of an abusive personality are there beforehand if women were more able to get more educated on them. Of course that won’t be able to happen because culturally we cannot accept that while not all men do this stuff a sizeable minority of men still attempt to dominate women whatever it takes.

This needs pinning on here.

As others have said every situation is different, there's no one-size-fits-all rule etc.

I think that's exactly the OP's point: there's no one answer to fit every situation, but a lot of people on MN react as if there is. ANYTHING that you're unhappy about, no matter how small, no matter the practicalities, no matter that there might be another side to the story, and it's "LTB!!!".

i agree that in the advice to LTB, posters forget that there can be a door wide open for abusive XH to get 50% access to DC who then don’t have their mum to protect them. if you have a 5 year old for example (any age of course) then leaving won’t feel like the best choice you can make for your five year old. I would have made myself stay til DC can look after themselves a bit more.

I’ve stayed because it’s easier.
There’s no love or affection, we don’t even go out anywhere together.
We’re in separate rooms, so no snoring. He is on his pension so guaranteed income, I’m working so theoretically I could lose my job or not get paid due to long term sick.
He mows the lawn and does a little DIY.
I don’t get lonely as he’s in the house, and he’d look after me if I’m I’ll.

"Has anyone decided to stay for the kids as leaving isn’t actually better?"

A lot of people quote that they are "staying for the kids"

But the reality is somewhere in between the following

• got used to a life of material/comfort they know they cannot replicate alone
• like the status of being married / being married to their spouse whatever that looks like
• not fussed about others knowing their spouse is cheating on them
• prepared to ignore the fact that their children will know when they are grown up that they used them to a greater or lesser extent as an excuse not to face the hard choice of going it alone
• like the stability of day to day life with a less than ideal spouse
• are cheating on their husband etc but are not prepared to face the reality of what that actually means and are content to live the half life they currently have.

No one is saying going it alone is easy. Some people have "going it alone" forced on them - for example their husband dies (or the circumstances change radically (eg spouse gets debilitating disease such as dementia) or their spouse literally vanishes one day and they have to carry on alone. So yes if you have the "luxury" of staying or leaving then yes you should weigh up the fact that you do actually have a choice and appreciate that. But it should not inform what you do unless you are happy not to live by any principles and/or not be true to what you really want in order to have in tact self esteem.

Also when the kids grow up, if they realise that Mum or Dad "stayed for them" but was utterly miserable/resentful, that is hardly the best outcome is it. Imagine for being "blamed" or used as a reason in that way, that would f**k up your head when you are growing up would it not?

No matter how clearly explained it is on here, someone always decides it’s the woman’s fault, don’t they?

I left my very violent husband 17 years ago. We had a baby son at the time. My ex met someone else and beat the shit out of her too, occasionally in front of my DS. The only reason I left that piece of shit was to protect my son. I’d already had years of violence and rape and psychological abuse and when DS was born I decided to put him first and left. I absolutely do not regret ending the marriage but I do regret that my son still had to see his father being violent when he was growing up.

So no, it’s not as easy as to LTB. It doesn’t solve everything. I still feel incredible amounts of guilt.

Depends. If you just move on and there isn't much left but he isn't nasty.

No I guess it often isn't that much better. For women who have dc with not good men. eg violent or just wankers. Because they'll continue to be in your life till dc are at least 18, maybe more. Such a shame that these women ever had dc with such men. Why we aren't better at teaching young women this, I'll never quite comprehend.

Oblomov22, it isn’t as easy as just educating young women to spot the warning signs. Abusers are often not that stupid - they love bomb their victim at first, and appear to be an absolute Prince Charming, until their partner is hooked and vulnerable. Abuse very often only starts during pregnancy, for example, once the victim is trapped. And then escalates , cutting the victim off from friends and family. Abusers often move their wife and DC away from their home area, ostensibly for work, but in reality to isolate them.

It's not that clear cut. To go or to stay has its own ramifications. And either way you may be on your own as far as support is concerned. If one leaves one is told 'you chose to be a single parent, suck it up'. If one stays one is told 'you chose to stay with that abusive/selfish/feckless/addicted/lazy/whatever loser, suck it up'.

You make the choice you can live with and deal with the consequences. But you must make the choice that is best for your children.

I think the advice to LTB is doled out generously on here when in reality there’s a lot of thought and consideration needed especially if you have kids. I’ve seen posters really harassed if they don’t immediately agree they should leave with folk saying they’ll find a way if they need to. In reality leaving a marriage is both simple (just go) and complex (then what) and I’d hope no one leaves because of random advice on social media.

On the other hand I’ve seen huge support and great wisdom given to women in very complex situations when they’ve really needed someone to help them think things through.

Anyone who thinks it’s easy to leave is deluded, that doesn’t mean that sometimes it’s not the best decision all round.