Leaving isn’t always better

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else think people say to LTB too quickly and not take into consideration that it’s not always that easy? And for some staying is actually much easier? Once you leave you get no support and are just expected to get on with it and not even so much as moan as you made the choice to be a single parent 😒 is it any wonder that people stay when the alternative isn’t actually any better. I’ve tried to be strong in regards to my ex but what is the point when the grass isn’t actually greener! Has anyone decided to stay for the kids as leaving isn’t actually better?

do think that the massive trauma that divorce can be to children is often brushed aside with a ‘children are resilient

agree . Im kind of glad I didn’t know how bad it would be !!

I’ve had to do a fuck ton of mental health work on myself to be able to support them
one child has trauma from how his dad was

and one is really sad and misses daddy .

in fact my user name was coined the month after me ex left

but as I said it’s good I didn’t know , and I’m clear that me having 80% custody is the best for them

I agree.
You regularly see threads on here about one I aren’t deciding to relocate somewhere with the dcs (or actually bith parents doing so) and the consensus is ALWAYS how awful it should fur there parents to move the dcs to another place fir their win convenience. How said children are losing their friends and all they’ve always known and it’s an awful thing yo do to them. Even worse if mum moves away and the schedule to see the father is harder/can’t or won’t happen as often.

But then when it comes to a marriage you NEVER hear how it’s going to be hard for the children when they won’t see their dad as often, they might need to move schools etc…. Nope it’s all about how awful mum is to think twice because she is setting a bad example by staying.

But those children WILL struggle. Fir the same reason than those who move - plus the issues associated divorce.

Sometimes the balance will go towards a divorce being better for the children. But sometimes, the balance might well be that staying is better.
The answer certainly is never a LTB as an immediate answer.

No one can know how hard it easy it would have been if they taken the other decision.

You know how hard it is if you leave. Or if you stay.

You can’t say how hard it would have been if you had stayed instead. Or if you had left instead.

And you certainly can NOT say the other option would have been harder/easier. That’s just guess work based on preconceived ideas on what is best.

Well all you can know is that leaving isn’t always the easier route, I can say hand on heart my life would have been easier with my ex still around. I agree with all of what you’ve said WakingUpDistress people are very dismissive of fathers on here I’ve seen people on here say kids aren’t bother if they have a father around definitely not my experience. I would go back to my ex if the opportunity comes around he hasn’t met anyone since and neither have I.

Yes it does. To an extent.

But if the house is consistently under a cloud for someone’s entire childhood and then think as adults ‘it would have been better if they split’, I believe they would have a more rounded view of the situation. They aren’t only using old memories of a child to come to that conclusion.

Someone who thinks it would have been better if their parents stayed together, tend to think that because they didn’t notice any huge problems as a child, before the split. But that would (in most circumstances) have changed as they go older. They still have the limited child’s view of what was going on. If you see what I mean.

Most mothers, don’t leave on whim, without considering the impact on the kids. But you can only make the decision you feel is best at the time.

SpinningFloppa

there is no wrong or right here

in all seriousness maybe you do need to discuss getting back together , what impediment is there to that ?

many women posting here know had they stayed they would have been really badly off

with a fairly common theme being terrible and worsening mental health

so of course it’s on Balance better for them

So think about why you want him back?

Is it because you are simply lonely? So being with a him is better than being alone? Or is it actually him you miss? Practical help? Was he very hands on, now, inexplicably isn’t?

Then really think about the reasons you didn’t want to be with him in the first place. And if you thinks it’s best, get back together with him.

Who knows if it would have changed, for the worse or even for the better?

You can argue it, but ultimately people are going to have their own opinions over their own families, their own lives and their own preferences, and those opinions won’t all fit neatly into a preferred narrative, whatever it is. Staying isn’t universally better, and nor is leaving. It’s dependent on the individuals involved, and you’re right, people can only make the decisions they judge to be best at the time. It doesn’t mean that everyone the decision (whatever it is) impacts is going to agree it was for the best, but that’s always a possibly outcome.

I’m not saying people should stay, or leave, because that’s not my place. I’m disputing the statement that children will grow to feel Y way as a result of X action, a blanket statement that reflects a preferred reality rather than the actual one.

All of that really, lonely will never meet anyone else now, yes having a man isn’t the be all but I’ve been alone for 5 years now and I feel extremely lonely, I don’t know any single mums irl who’ve been on their own for as mind as me, I feel like I’m stuck in the past. I also miss the good times with him and the practical side of having a partner and not doing everything entirely on my own.

In some ways, yes staying may seem ‘easier’ because it’s less hassle in the short term. Divorce, finances & disruptive family life is hugely difficult for many people.

However, staying miserable in a long term relationship until one of you dies, is on balance considerably harder in the long term, than the (hopefully) shorter term challenges of separation.

Everyone’s situation Is different.

I have no doubts that it would have been better if my mumhad taken my dad's house keys off him 10 years earlier, bullying cheating scumbag that he was.

But now I'm in a difficult marriage and feel I can't risk leaving. The difference? My father, like practically all men of his generation, considered the children his wife's business and left well alone.

By contrast, my husband is very involved with the kids and uses his relationships with them to stroke his ego. He would insist on 50/50 and while there's a chance that he would be reasonable, there is also one that he would weaponize the kids. I don't want to run that risk.
So I'm getting screwed by 'involved fatherhood'.

I've made sure he knows how I see the situation, though, and that certain things have to change. Maybe we're in with a chance. If we can't move on, we'll have to deal with the fallout whatever it is.

So as pp said: if you're with the wrong father, you're damned either way.

How long have you been married? How old is/are your child/children?

Many couples can go through difficult/misunderstanding times and work on improving their relations can improve them.

We need to leave 1) alcoholics 2) drug addicts 3) gamblers 4) liars/cheaters 5) abusers (physical, emotional, financial) & bullies.

I agree with the poster.

I am glad we were both working on our marriage and hopefully, it will last forever for us.

I wish you to get back with your ex-husband if you both love each other and to build a happy family and happy future together based on your previous happy marriage experience, your life experience, and some of the life wisdom and lesson(s) you got from your divorce.

There are basic psychological rules on how to get on better with our spouse/partner/bf.

'The Marriage Helper' site is one of my favourite ones on this topic and I have learned and sometimes I am still learning a lot of useful information from it to keep our marriage of 17 years strong & happy.

This is so well put. **