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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

girlfriends daughter doesn't like me

63 replies

Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 04:33

Well I’m not sure if it’s a case of she doesn’t like me, probably more of a case of her being moody /bad attitude. I don’t really know. But in short I’ve been dating my gf for a few years now and get on great with her younger kids. I don’t live with them and am hyper-aware that kids may resent a new man in their Mums life, so always make sure I’m not over there too much or being too intrusive etc

I put in a lot of effort with her kids, but the eldest (23) is just not interested. Pretty much has ignored me for 3 years accept saying hello when I say hello. Has never really spoken to me. She is the same with my kids when they have been over. I’m just a bit over it to be honest. It makes things awkward and I feel a bit blurgh when I see her car outside my girlfriend’s house when I pull up.

I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it multiple times and I think she’s spoken to her daughter about it with no change.
She’s 23 not 15 and can no longer use “moody teenager” as an excuse. What do I do? Just deal with it?
Note – this is nothing to do with her Dad, he’s a dick and she’s glad he’s gone. I think, as I said, she’s moody (or whatever) and can get away with being rude to me and my kids.

OP posts:
Ekátn · 18/10/2022 04:57

She is an adult. What do you want her mum to do? She obviously doesn’t like you or simply isn’t interested in her mums partner.

What would you do if you had this conflict with another adult in your life?

LoekMa · 18/10/2022 05:11

Why do you need her to like you? I never warmed up to the man my mother chose to date and marry after my father, but I didnt let it bother me, my mom eventually was able to see all the red flags I had seen way earlier, so in the end it all worked itself out.

Maybe the daughter just gets weird vibes from you. It happens. Not everyone has to like everyone else.

UserError012345 · 18/10/2022 05:13

She doesn't have to like you.

If you've been together a few years, for the majority you weren't in their life.

Maybe she doesn't want someone in her mums life or if her Dads a 'dick' she might be wary of you/men.

Does she know you call her Dad a 'dick' ? That probably won't help either.

Stop trying to force her to like you. Accept that she doesn't and keep interaction to a minimum.

Guavafish1 · 18/10/2022 05:15

I think you have to let it be! Not much her mother or you can do about it.

category12 · 18/10/2022 05:19

Just be civil when you see her and don't try to push anything further.

If she's not being actively nasty to you (and not having much to say to you is not nasty) then it just is what it is.

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2022 06:20

Not everyone is going to like you!

She could dislike you for many reasons.

If she's actively rude to you or trying to sabotage an otherwise good relationship with her mum then that's a problem but just not having much to say to you - well so what really?

Her not liking you doesn't make her 'moody' 🙄 it just makes her human.

cansu · 18/10/2022 06:31

She is 23. She doesn't have to like you. I disliked my mother's new partner intensely. I am polite and that's it. Not everyone who dislikes you is being moody.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 18/10/2022 06:35

A step dad / step daughter can be a tricky relationship, whatever her relationship with her own dad is like. I think you just have to be pleasant to her but accept that you may never have a very close relationship with her.

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2022 06:39

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 18/10/2022 06:35

A step dad / step daughter can be a tricky relationship, whatever her relationship with her own dad is like. I think you just have to be pleasant to her but accept that you may never have a very close relationship with her.

Tbh, if she was 20 when her mum met him, she isn't ever going to be his step daughter. He's always going to be her mum's boyfriend/partner/husband.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 18/10/2022 06:40

Yes agreed.

Gingerkittykat · 18/10/2022 06:54

Does the 23 year old still live at home?

SpringIntoChaos · 18/10/2022 07:02

She's not a child. Stop trying to manipulate any kind of relationship with her...she's doesn't have to like you, or even say hello if she doesn't want to! Her mum 'having a word' is ridiculous!! What's that going to do?

Ask yourself...WHY does ANYONE have to 'like you'?? Quite simply...they don't 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 07:12

cansu · 18/10/2022 06:31

She is 23. She doesn't have to like you. I disliked my mother's new partner intensely. I am polite and that's it. Not everyone who dislikes you is being moody.

OK "liking me" was a bad word to use. I get that not everyone is going to like you, but she's rude. She doesn't have to like me or my kids, but being polite wouldn't kill her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 07:13

UserError012345 · 18/10/2022 05:13

She doesn't have to like you.

If you've been together a few years, for the majority you weren't in their life.

Maybe she doesn't want someone in her mums life or if her Dads a 'dick' she might be wary of you/men.

Does she know you call her Dad a 'dick' ? That probably won't help either.

Stop trying to force her to like you. Accept that she doesn't and keep interaction to a minimum.

I've never met him. Her Mum refers to him as a dick and details to me the relationship (or lack there of) her daughter and her Dad have.

OP posts:
Createausernamehere · 18/10/2022 07:19

If she is just largely ignoring you then that’s her prerogative.
if she is actively shouting at you/being abusive then she’s in the wrong

but see her side- her dad let her down and no one has a good word to say about him. Her mum now has a new partner who is often around along with his own children, none of them her choice and she doesn’t much like him or them but can’t ask him not to be there. That impacts on her own time with her mum in what used to be her family home.

she has every right not to like you and she shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise really

just avoid her and give her space.

Original poster
Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 07:21

Createausernamehere · 18/10/2022 07:19

If she is just largely ignoring you then that’s her prerogative.
if she is actively shouting at you/being abusive then she’s in the wrong

but see her side- her dad let her down and no one has a good word to say about him. Her mum now has a new partner who is often around along with his own children, none of them her choice and she doesn’t much like him or them but can’t ask him not to be there. That impacts on her own time with her mum in what used to be her family home.

she has every right not to like you and she shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise really

just avoid her and give her space.

Yup I see your point. Thanks.

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/10/2022 07:28

How does she behave towards your children, is she unpleasant or just indifferent?
I agree with others that she doesn't have to like you, but she shouldn't be treating your children badly. I would explain to your gf that you are aware her dd doesn't like you, which is fine, but if she is rude or unpleasant to your dc then its best you keep them away from her.

GreenManalishi · 18/10/2022 07:29

What do you want from this woman?

I'd leave it alone and be thankful that despite the way she may feel about you, she's civil.

I'm not sure what you want your girlfriend to do about it either, speaking to her about it repeatedly must be doing her head in. Make your grown up daughter be nice to me?

I'd be very surprised if you've never encountered anyone in life who has been cool towards you, deal with it in the same way. She owes you nothing.

Original poster
Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 07:32

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/10/2022 07:28

How does she behave towards your children, is she unpleasant or just indifferent?
I agree with others that she doesn't have to like you, but she shouldn't be treating your children badly. I would explain to your gf that you are aware her dd doesn't like you, which is fine, but if she is rude or unpleasant to your dc then its best you keep them away from her.

Indifferent. Doesn't engage with them at all.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 07:43

She was a fully grown adult when you got with her mum. She doesn’t live with you and doesn’t particularly have to like you. When she visits it’s to see her mum and siblings, not you. She acknowledges you by saying hello. I don’t know what else you want from her, nor what you want her mum to do tbh. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 18/10/2022 07:50

You're both in a tricky position.
Your presence isn't really wanted by her but you're important to her mum. Your kids ditto and are part of the package.
Your situation is much the same as the flip side to that coin.
In a way you're both in the same boat and it's awkward all round.
Is it worth affording her situation respect and validity by having a chat with her, acknowledging this, not judging or criticising, and asking if there is anything between the two of you that would make things better?
Easing the awkwardness might be doing something differently that makes it easier for her to be a little less unwelcoming to your kids maybe. Ask her if she has any suggestions, it might be that a conversation coming from a place of the mutual dilemma and offering her a way to improve things positively could be a good thing. It can't be fun for her, or her mum or you, or the kids really. But if you leave all judgement and criticism out of it, a chat might be worthwhile. You'd have to be genuine about it.

MaryBeardsShoes · 18/10/2022 07:50

She, an adult woman, doesn't behave how you want so you told on her to her mum 🤣 I wouldn't want to have much to do with you either.

IncompleteSenten · 18/10/2022 07:53

She doesn't have to like you

Settle for being civil to each other.

Lili132 · 18/10/2022 07:59

I can't believe the comments on this thread. Of course not everyone has to like you but she is not anyone - she is your partner's daughter. It really helps when there is a little bit of effort on both sides, otherwise it can affect a relationship with your partner, especially if her daughter is there often. It just makes things awkward and unpleasant.
Unfortunately since she's an adult there is not much you can do and a little chance she'll grow out of it. How long have you known each other?

MacroTwigg · 18/10/2022 08:00

She doesn't have to like you. She's not your partner. She's an adult woman who's not interested in a relationship with you.