Page 3 | girlfriends daughter doesn't like me

Tonka2 · 2022-10-18T03:33:51+00:00

Well I’m not sure if it’s a case of she doesn’t like me, probably more of a case of her being moody /bad attitude. I don’t really know. But in short I’ve been dating my gf for a few years now and get on great with her younger kids. I don’t live with them and am hyper-aware that kids may resent a new man in their Mums life, so always make sure I’m not over there too much or being too intrusive etc I put in a lot of effort with her kids, but the eldest (23) is just not interested. Pretty much has ignored me for 3 years accept saying hello when I say hello. Has never really spoken to me. She is the same with my kids when they have been over. I’m just a bit over it to be honest. It makes things awkward and I feel a bit blurgh when I see her car outside my girlfriend’s house when I pull up. I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it multiple times and I think she’s spoken to her daughter about it with no change. She’s 23 not 15 and can no longer use “moody teenager” as an excuse. What do I do? Just deal with it? Note – this is nothing to do with her Dad, he’s a dick and she’s glad he’s gone. I think, as I said, she’s moody (or whatever) and can get away with being rude to me and my kids.

Mom2K · 19/10/2022 04:17

I don't have any advice for you OP but that stinks. Regardless of what her personal reasons are for not having an interest in you or your kids, I agree with you that it is rude of her to not try. She is an adult and you and your children are an extended part of her family now whether she likes it or not so she should put in some effort IMO. She doesn't have to be best buds with you or your kids but I don't understand why she can't even politely chit chat in the way that a person with normal social skills would when around other people.

Not exactly the same but my ex DH took a disliking to my family and behaved in much the same way towards them (including other relatives that he had been newly introduced to at family functions etc like my cousins). No one had ever done anything or been rude to him...although I suppose it could also be because he is just kind of anti-social by nature. But didn't change the fact that it negatively impacted things over all as the atmosphere he created meant that no one wanted to be around him.

A grown woman like your partners DD really ought to be behaving better than to act like you don't exist when you are around each other. All you can do I guess is keep being polite on your end to keep the peace (or just don't engage with her either) but I appreciate it's awkward :(

Clymene · 19/10/2022 04:28

He's her mothers boyfriend @Mom2K. Not a part of her extended family.

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 05:26

You need to get over it and accept that not everyone will like you not even your girlfroends children!

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 05:29

Northernparent68 · 18/10/2022 11:46

I’m sure those posters who are so critical of the OP would nt accept such rudeness from their partners children

We'd have no choice but to accept it, we realise you can't control how others choose to feel or act towards us, we are not controlling!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/10/2022 07:31

I don't think it's controlling to expect someone to exercise basic social graces. If I invite someone into my home and they are welcome, no one in that home should be routinely making an atmosphere about their presence (assuming said person does likewise and is a basically decent person).
Saying hello is a start, but if the indifference is to the point of making someone feel unwelcome then you should remove yourself or extend a little more common courtesy.
You don't have to like them
You don't have to pro-actively engage in a warm and happy way
You do have to not put a frosty atmosphere on things

Opentooffers · 19/10/2022 08:29

It's pretty normal for 23 year olds to just not 'do' kids. It's not an age where kids are interesting, but it is an age where they can be wrapped up and consumed by their own lives and doing their own thing. You might be taking this as rudeness, but it sounds more like she's just not that interested in interacting because the bigger age gap makes it hard to identify with them .
You say her younger children are OK with yours, they'll be closer in age, so that's more natural to identify - are her younger ones from a different father who interacts with them more also? She may generally feel on the outside of family life, more peripheral, because of having a disinterested father, which must dent her self esteem and is tough for any child to deal with. You might just remind her of what her father is not, which makes her withdraw, that's understandable.
Let go of the need you feel for her to be involved, it's not a necessity. Leave her to it and just get on with other aspects of your relationship with the rest of your GF's family. Tell yourself it doesn't matter, and perhaps it will cease to become the big deal you are making of it, when really, it doesn't sound that bad.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/10/2022 10:23

Good advice @opentooffers

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 10:33

If we swap out this being her daughter for another family member ie mother or father that says hello when you say hello, seems generally disinterested and doesn't make a massive effort with your kids, how would that feel? I'd hope you'd be able to just put it down to a possible personality clash, shrug it off and accept that maybe, no, they didn't particularly like you. It would be unreasonable of you to repeatedly ask your partner to deal with it and "make them" be nice to you.

Just because she's a woman that's younger than you, and she's in the daughter dynamic, it doesn't mean that she's your daughter or owes you any more than she's offering you.

Mom2K · 19/10/2022 17:09

"He's her mothers boyfriend @Mom2K. Not a part of her extended family."

@Clymene that wasn't really the main point I was making. This is someone her mother cares about and who has been and will continue to be around a lot. It's inconsiderate to her mom to not exercise basic social skills to her partner, regardless of DD's personal reasons.

I'm not there, I don't know what the atmosphere is like...but indifferent people, who dislike something or someone can definitely give off those vibes, even if they never say anything and it IS uncomfortable and not fair on anyone on the receiving end if they didn't do anything to deserve it. I'm sure this is also a crappy situation for her mom. I hated the tension that was felt when my ex and I visited family or friends. Obviously friends I could see separately, family is harder. There really isn't any difference in this scenario IMO since OP has been dating her mom for a few years. They are like family (to her mom), like it or not.

There is a difference between the vibe you get when someone dislikes you or if they're just more of an introvert/don't talk much. Maybe OP is just reading it wrong, but body language/looks can say a lot. If it's dislike, it's not easy to be around and I don't blame OP for feeling as he does.

Original poster

Tonka2 · 20/10/2022 02:28

Mom2K · 19/10/2022 17:09

"He's her mothers boyfriend @Mom2K. Not a part of her extended family."

@Clymene that wasn't really the main point I was making. This is someone her mother cares about and who has been and will continue to be around a lot. It's inconsiderate to her mom to not exercise basic social skills to her partner, regardless of DD's personal reasons.

I'm not there, I don't know what the atmosphere is like...but indifferent people, who dislike something or someone can definitely give off those vibes, even if they never say anything and it IS uncomfortable and not fair on anyone on the receiving end if they didn't do anything to deserve it. I'm sure this is also a crappy situation for her mom. I hated the tension that was felt when my ex and I visited family or friends. Obviously friends I could see separately, family is harder. There really isn't any difference in this scenario IMO since OP has been dating her mom for a few years. They are like family (to her mom), like it or not.

There is a difference between the vibe you get when someone dislikes you or if they're just more of an introvert/don't talk much. Maybe OP is just reading it wrong, but body language/looks can say a lot. If it's dislike, it's not easy to be around and I don't blame OP for feeling as he does.

Yup this is what I was driving at "not exercise basic social skills to her partner, regardless of DD's personal reasons."

I did correct myself earlier, stating that "like" wasn't the correct word to use. I'm cognisant of the fact that it doesn't matter how nice you are, there will always be someone that doesn't like you. They may or may not be justified, it's irrelevant and is just a fact of life.

So I don't expect her to like me and for us to be going on shopping trips together, but I do expect someone that is at the very least polite to me and my kids i.e if I don't say hello, she would ignore me, when I do say hello, she grunts back. Now she doesn't have to like me to be polite. She's 23, a grown woman. She does live with her Mum, so I try and make sure she's not around when I pop over as my presence clearly irks her. However there are occasions that we are in the same room together and it's very awkward and it puts some pressure and strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. My kids also feel awkward going round there when she's there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tonka2 · 20/10/2022 02:33

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 10:33

If we swap out this being her daughter for another family member ie mother or father that says hello when you say hello, seems generally disinterested and doesn't make a massive effort with your kids, how would that feel? I'd hope you'd be able to just put it down to a possible personality clash, shrug it off and accept that maybe, no, they didn't particularly like you. It would be unreasonable of you to repeatedly ask your partner to deal with it and "make them" be nice to you.

Just because she's a woman that's younger than you, and she's in the daughter dynamic, it doesn't mean that she's your daughter or owes you any more than she's offering you.

Not generally disinterested - completely disinterested. In 3 years, she has only grunted hello to me. That is it. And "massive effort with my kids".... she has not spoken to them or acknowledged their presence once in 3 years, Not even a hello. The only reason she grunts hello to me is because I greet her. You would be OK with this situation, especially when your kids are being completely blanked?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tonka2 · 20/10/2022 02:36

Opentooffers · 19/10/2022 08:29

It's pretty normal for 23 year olds to just not 'do' kids. It's not an age where kids are interesting, but it is an age where they can be wrapped up and consumed by their own lives and doing their own thing. You might be taking this as rudeness, but it sounds more like she's just not that interested in interacting because the bigger age gap makes it hard to identify with them .
You say her younger children are OK with yours, they'll be closer in age, so that's more natural to identify - are her younger ones from a different father who interacts with them more also? She may generally feel on the outside of family life, more peripheral, because of having a disinterested father, which must dent her self esteem and is tough for any child to deal with. You might just remind her of what her father is not, which makes her withdraw, that's understandable.
Let go of the need you feel for her to be involved, it's not a necessity. Leave her to it and just get on with other aspects of your relationship with the rest of your GF's family. Tell yourself it doesn't matter, and perhaps it will cease to become the big deal you are making of it, when really, it doesn't sound that bad.

Cool. Thanks for that. Good advice!

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 20/10/2022 07:21

If thats the case, I wouldn't keep taking my children to the home of someone who grunted at me a completely blanked my kids.