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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

girlfriends daughter doesn't like me

63 replies

Tonka2 · 18/10/2022 04:33

Well I’m not sure if it’s a case of she doesn’t like me, probably more of a case of her being moody /bad attitude. I don’t really know. But in short I’ve been dating my gf for a few years now and get on great with her younger kids. I don’t live with them and am hyper-aware that kids may resent a new man in their Mums life, so always make sure I’m not over there too much or being too intrusive etc

I put in a lot of effort with her kids, but the eldest (23) is just not interested. Pretty much has ignored me for 3 years accept saying hello when I say hello. Has never really spoken to me. She is the same with my kids when they have been over. I’m just a bit over it to be honest. It makes things awkward and I feel a bit blurgh when I see her car outside my girlfriend’s house when I pull up.

I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it multiple times and I think she’s spoken to her daughter about it with no change.
She’s 23 not 15 and can no longer use “moody teenager” as an excuse. What do I do? Just deal with it?
Note – this is nothing to do with her Dad, he’s a dick and she’s glad he’s gone. I think, as I said, she’s moody (or whatever) and can get away with being rude to me and my kids.

OP posts:
MacroTwigg · 18/10/2022 08:01

MaryBeardsShoes · 18/10/2022 07:50

She, an adult woman, doesn't behave how you want so you told on her to her mum 🤣 I wouldn't want to have much to do with you either.

Agree. There's certainly an attitude problem going on here. Not from the daughter.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 18/10/2022 08:04

Lili132 · 18/10/2022 07:59

I can't believe the comments on this thread. Of course not everyone has to like you but she is not anyone - she is your partner's daughter. It really helps when there is a little bit of effort on both sides, otherwise it can affect a relationship with your partner, especially if her daughter is there often. It just makes things awkward and unpleasant.
Unfortunately since she's an adult there is not much you can do and a little chance she'll grow out of it. How long have you known each other?

I was reading the comments thinking I was in a parallel universe, I totally agree with you!

dontknowwhatisbest · 18/10/2022 08:07

I feel for you OP. You're getting some deliberately blunt replies because on the whole MN is very tough on male posters.

Your girlfriend's daughter isn't behaving brilliantly, but although she is 23 she is still very young. I don't think we really mature and become less self centred until our late 20s. She may be struggling with the idea that her mum isn't 'just' her mum anymore, but an individual with her own needs and desires. It may be throwing up some upsetting feelings about how her own dad let her down. Perhaps she feels very protective of her mum.

I'd just keep doing what you are doing, being polite and friendly but respecting her distance. You may find that as she gets older she will begin to warm towards you.

asdasult · 18/10/2022 08:11

I would be absolutely indifferent to my stepdads kids if they were loads younger than me. Sorry.

I am completely uninterested in my parent's other half. As an adult they're not a step parent to me, they're just the person living with my parent.

I'm disinterestedly polite but that's it.

I would tolerate seeing them to see my parent and id never be rude but I wouldn't seek out their company.

I am older than 23.

Dalaidramailama · 18/10/2022 08:12

She sounds unpleasant and the whole situation sounds awkward. I don’t think your posts come across like you need to be liked. You’ve mentioned you haven’t been intrusive or anything and she thinks her dad is a dick etc.

I could see how it could come between you and your GF when you’re over their house as the undercurrent atmosphere is like the elephant in the room. She doesn’t need to like you of course but she sounds like she is actively ignoring you and not being very adult like about the whole thing.

Can you try and see your GF more maybe round your house? I would lose patience going somewhere where anybody would create an atmosphere to be honest. She sounds unpleasant.

tandmoo · 18/10/2022 08:13

I'd just say Hello to her and then leave it at that. You don't need to get on with her

She'll bugger off soon

category12 · 18/10/2022 08:16

Have you ever tried speaking to her directly about what's going on?

Ie. Hi [sally] I get the feeling you don't want me around, is there something I've done? I love your mum a lot and would like it to be less awkward if we're both here at the same time."

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2022 08:19

Why does your DP think it’s okay for her adult DD to be rude or to ignore your children? I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d tell your DP you won’t have your kids around her and ask for notice of her being there so you can be elsewhere with your DC and not risk them being upset by someone so rude.

As for the DD being “very young”, that’s ridiculous. She’s 23 ffs, she could be a mother of several of her own.

Runningintolife · 18/10/2022 08:19

I used to be like this to my parents partners in twenties and thirties. Now I realise I was protecting myself against a repeat of hurt (parents separation and a subsequent relationship break up). My thoughts were 'well I didn't choose them so I don't need to invest' or annoyance that they were there (kind of like when you are looking forward to a catch up with a friend and they bring their partner and it changes the dynamic). I am 50 now, and I realise now that some of the partners were quite nice, that I was rude, and that I am grateful for the relationships my parents had because they had love, company and support that I couldn't have provided. I wasn't mature enough then to drop my guard.

beastlyslumber · 18/10/2022 08:48

Stop moaning at your girlfriend about it because there's fuck all she can do. Maybe she's got good reason not to like you or maybe she doesn't want to get roped into babysitting your kids. Who knows? It's not really any of your business.

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 09:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2022 08:19

Why does your DP think it’s okay for her adult DD to be rude or to ignore your children? I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d tell your DP you won’t have your kids around her and ask for notice of her being there so you can be elsewhere with your DC and not risk them being upset by someone so rude.

As for the DD being “very young”, that’s ridiculous. She’s 23 ffs, she could be a mother of several of her own.

Why the fuck should a grown adult be forced to play happy families with their mother’s boyfriend and his kids?!! She acknowledges their existence by saying hello. Why is that not enough?

altmember · 18/10/2022 09:26

Assuming the 23 yo doesn't live with her mum, just don't go round there when she is.

namechange3394 · 18/10/2022 09:31

Has her mum had a lot of partners since her dad?

wineNcheeseifYplease · 18/10/2022 09:32

If she's not obstructive, just indifferent, then just leave it. Her mum chose you, not her. Relationships are never straightforward, let alone ones you don't choose for yourself.

Aprilx · 18/10/2022 10:10

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2022 08:19

Why does your DP think it’s okay for her adult DD to be rude or to ignore your children? I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d tell your DP you won’t have your kids around her and ask for notice of her being there so you can be elsewhere with your DC and not risk them being upset by someone so rude.

As for the DD being “very young”, that’s ridiculous. She’s 23 ffs, she could be a mother of several of her own.

She shouldn’t be rude to the children (and I don’t think she has been), but I don’t see why she shouldn’t ignore them, as in not engage with them rather than deliberately ignore them f they speak to her. At 23 I had no interest in making friends with children either.

Northernparent68 · 18/10/2022 11:46

I’m sure those posters who are so critical of the OP would nt accept such rudeness from their partners children

Billylilly · 18/10/2022 11:53

At 23 years old, she should be mature enough to be polite/civil and somewhat welcoming to you and your kids. I don't know what to suggest other than chatting to your partner about it again.

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 11:57

Billylilly · 18/10/2022 11:53

At 23 years old, she should be mature enough to be polite/civil and somewhat welcoming to you and your kids. I don't know what to suggest other than chatting to your partner about it again.

Why should she be forced to be welcoming to anyone? Because she’s a woman? She didn’t chose to have OP or his kids in his life. Leave her alone.

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 11:58

in *her life.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/10/2022 12:08

tandmoo · 18/10/2022 08:13

I'd just say Hello to her and then leave it at that. You don't need to get on with her

She'll bugger off soon

I suspect the DD is thinking exactly the same about the OP.

Violetlinen · 18/10/2022 12:18

It’s sad you’re not getting on with her. I have seen these girls in their 20s, barely saying hello, and I wasn’t even the mum’s boyfriend, just their cleaner. She is either too shy and comes across as rude, or she is plainly rude because she has not the emotional intelligence of a grownup. Life will teach her a lesson at some point. Till then, you can suggest to your girlfriend to meet when she is not there. At the end of the day you want to spend quality time together, not worrying her daughter’s presence will make you uncomfortable.

Ilovelurchers · 18/10/2022 12:21

At 23 she is old enough to be polite, which includes speaking to you and your kids in a normal fashion. It wouldn't occur to my daughter to be rude like this to my partner or her dad's, and she's only 10!!!

Not sure what more you can do tho. Your partner has tried having a word - doesn't seem to have made much difference! At least she is not actively rude to you I suppose. Hopefully time will improve things.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2022 12:23

Why don't you give your girlfriend and her daughter space to have time together? If the daughter is going to be there, don't go over. It's not that hard.

FredWinnie · 18/10/2022 13:17

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 11:57

Why should she be forced to be welcoming to anyone? Because she’s a woman? She didn’t chose to have OP or his kids in his life. Leave her alone.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree with @PinkSyCo 's posts - leave the daughter be

I'm a grandparent and I'm supremely indifferent to other people's kids

Otterock · 18/10/2022 18:12

I’ve been in your partners daughters shoes. I never warmed to my mothers last long term partner (who she got with shortly after my parents separated when I was a teen). he gave me weird vibes and was just too nice that it felt weird and artificial so I was polite but kept my distance. Didn’t really see why everyone thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and just figured I was the one with the problem and just kept my head down. Years later turns out it was my gut telling me something was off and it all came out (I was early 20s so the same age by that point).

It deeply damaged my relationship with my mum for years and never fully recovered. As a result I’ve had zero interest in any of her partners since but none have stuck around long enough for me to meet them anyway.

It could be a self preservation thing, but you probably need to accept that you’re just not that important to her and she doesn’t need to like you. Is she introverted and shy naturally? Are you trying too hard that it’s coming across as forced? I don’t think you’ve helped matters by ‘having a word with her mum’ like she’s a naughty 5 year old. Either confront it head on and try to resolve it or just give her a wide berth.