Exasperated

[rstare786]

Hi, have been with my DP for 9 years but we don't live together as we both have children and are about an hour apart. When he doesn't have his children, he phones, texts when he wants. However, when he does have his children, he basically ignores me, cannot even phone for 5 minutes without them being in the background. If he can't speak, that's fine, I totally understand but I feel like it's double standards all the time. He wants to talk to me when he wants but I can't talk when I want. When we go out for the day altogether, he basically cannot even speak to me without feeling guilty that he's not paying attention to his children. If he puts his arm on my leg for instance in a restaurant, he has to hug his daughter at the same time just in case she thinks he doesn't love her. If I'm talking to him and one of his daughters asks him something, he'll literally turn his back on me and talk to them midway through a conversation. At my birthday, one of my daughters took a photo and he leaned away from me and towards his daughter. I don't really care, but it was actually my birthday! His oldest daughter calls the shots and does not want to go to any celebrations my family invite her to and he doesn't make her. So, for years, I've been in a relationship with somebody who is never there if his children are there. My family, although they're my family, are always nice to them and make them feel welcome. My daughter and I were uninvited to his daughter's party because it might be awkward if his ex-wife is there. His ex-wife has been in a new relationship for about 5 years and her partner and children live with them so I don't know why it would be awkward. It's only awkward between the 2 of them as they can't communicate. When we don't have the children, he is completely different but the children are a part of his life and I can't base a relationship on the couple of days we have on our own. He expects to be a part of my life and my children's life and I have done everything possible for that to happen but he just says to me "oh, they just want it to be the 3 of us so you can't come" ie him and his 2 daughters which is fine but then he can't expect something different from me. Rant over!

If you've tried talking to him about this, then perhaps it's time to show him what it feels like by doing the things he does to you to him. Maybe then he'll see what youre experiencing. He's probably feeling some guilt, as an absent/part time dad. Blending families is never easy, and with DC it can take time and patience, but your DP shouldn't be showing you less affection when he's with his DC, then when he's with yours... especially after 9 years.

If you've tried talking to him about this, then perhaps it's time to show him what it feels like by doing the things he does to you to him

Passive aggressive nonsense.

OP, this is who he is, and how he wants to do things. If you've told him it upsets you and he carries on, then that shows that he prioritises parenting over his relationship with you. It's on you to decide if you want to stay in the relationship you're in. It's not on your partner to change to meet your needs.

While he might think he is doing the right thing, I wouldn't want to live like that, being constantly reminded that his priorities are elsewhere.

No amount of being lovely when his DC are not around would make up to me for being treated like that.

Sorry OP, but I think you know

He is not going to change, he doesn’t see the need to. His daughters learn from him how to treat you and your daughter.
You either accept this situation or leave.
Think what you model to your daughter.

I know he'll always do that as he's always done it. I feel sad but I said to him would you like your daughter to be in a relationship with someone like you and he said no but he won't change. I need to make a difficult decision.

I’m so sorry OP. I was in a situation similar to yours: invested years of my life and believed in promises of change. I wish I left sooner. It’s an extremely difficult decision. But if you stay - this is how your life is always going to be. You and your daughter deserve better.

This morning I said to him I didn't want to have wasted 9 years of my life. He said it wouldn't have been a waste, just think of all the fun things we've done and happy memories! I said he would have wasted it! What the hell!!

Pay attention to his words - and believe in what he says. Does he see you as an equal partner, someone he wants to build a relationship for life with? Or are you someone to have fun time with, live in the moment, without making any serious commitment? Does this relationship meet your long term needs?

You see it as a double standard. I’d say he prIortises his children when he has them and is attentive to you when he does nt. it’s not a bad sign he priorities his children, and they’ll come a point when they’re independent.

they’ll come a point when they’re independent.

Hopefully, that point will come. It definitely isn't automatic, it depends a lot on good parenting and also, on a pinch of luck.

You're not a priority in his life, why are you even with him. What do you get out this relationship?

At this moment in time, I have no idea.

I'm just asking for a 5 minute private phone conversation on a Saturday or Sunday in a room without the children listening. He can't even do that. They're 11 and 13!

17 and 18

I wouldn’t count blindly on children becoming independent and changing their attitude towards you and their presence in father’s life.
The pecking order has been established. He’s showing his daughters that he accepts how they treat you.

11 and 13 and yep he did leave his wife when the youngest was very young and not for me.

It's sad that after 9 years you are so far from being an important person in his life. 9 years and he treats you like this? Walk away op. Don't waste another 9 years.

I have always been nice to her. I didn't even realise there was a problem till he told me!

So he stays with you for sex presumably.
Theres nothing else is there!

That's the conclusion I've come to. Just wanted an outside perspective and to know I'm not going mad