Page 3 | Exasperated

rstare786 · 2022-10-17T14:18:25+00:00

Hi, have been with my DP for 9 years but we don't live together as we both have children and are about an hour apart. When he doesn't have his children, he phones, texts when he wants. However, when he does have his children, he basically ignores me, cannot even phone for 5 minutes without them being in the background. If he can't speak, that's fine, I totally understand but I feel like it's double standards all the time. He wants to talk to me when he wants but I can't talk when I want. When we go out for the day altogether, he basically cannot even speak to me without feeling guilty that he's not paying attention to his children. If he puts his arm on my leg for instance in a restaurant, he has to hug his daughter at the same time just in case she thinks he doesn't love her. If I'm talking to him and one of his daughters asks him something, he'll literally turn his back on me and talk to them midway through a conversation. At my birthday, one of my daughters took a photo and he leaned away from me and towards his daughter. I don't really care, but it was actually my birthday! His oldest daughter calls the shots and does not want to go to any celebrations my family invite her to and he doesn't make her. So, for years, I've been in a relationship with somebody who is never there if his children are there. My family, although they're my family, are always nice to them and make them feel welcome. My daughter and I were uninvited to his daughter's party because it might be awkward if his ex-wife is there. His ex-wife has been in a new relationship for about 5 years and her partner and children live with them so I don't know why it would be awkward. It's only awkward between the 2 of them as they can't communicate. When we don't have the children, he is completely different but the children are a part of his life and I can't base a relationship on the couple of days we have on our own. He expects to be a part of my life and my children's life and I have done everything possible for that to happen but he just says to me "oh, they just want it to be the 3 of us so you can't come" ie him and his 2 daughters which is fine but then he can't expect something different from me. Rant over!

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:05

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 23:17

think it’s not on for the OP to try to change the dynamics of his relationship with his kids after appearing to be Ok with it all this time. I would certainly leave any partner who would come between me and my kids.
She isn't looking to change the dynamic - she's looking to change the double standard.
Her partner expects to communicate with her whenever & however long he wants to when she is with her kids. But when he has his - she's not allowed a look in.

OP needs to decide what she really wants and if she can’t accept that he puts his kids first while they are with him - (on a part time basis as it seems) - she needs to leave and find someone else.
It's not putting kids forst to turn your back on the adult partner you are conversing with when they interrupt her conversation. It's not putting them first to pander to them & tell them it's their decision whether OP gets to see her partner while they are around, He is raising a pair of girls who will grow up to be disrespectful or who might get a shick when the adult world they enter in a few years does not shower them with attention & coddle them in recompense for showing any other person affection.

He must not have been a great person to leave his kids while they were so small.
We don;t know that he left. Maybe his ex left him.

But I do think he is doing a good job for being an involved and dedicated parent now, and not letting his needy/jealous gf affect it.
He is teaching his girls to be needy & jealous. by pandering to them & showing them that they can interrupt adults, dictate terms, & get cuddles every time a small amount of attention is shown to their dad's partner.

This is exactly it and of course I'm not having phone sex with him as the Op suggested.

OP posts:

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:08

MMmomDD · 19/10/2022 23:22

@Evianoff

Of course there are adult conversations that children shouldn’t hear.

But this isn’t about that. OP complained about him having kids in the background when she calls him on his weekend with his kids. As a general comment. And that does sound to me a little strange. His kids are probably with him EOW. And she knows on those weekends he is focused on the kids. Is that really such a terrible thing?

He is a grown up - I am sure if he thought the type of conversations they are having isn’t suitable for the kids ears - he’d not be having those conversation in front of them.
And I hope she isn’t calling him with phone sex while kids are awake & around.

@rstare786
I am sharing my experience of being on the other side. Not projecting it on YOU - as you are the adult partner of a divorced parent. I don’t know how that feels. I am sharing it with you in the hope you would stop just focusing on your POV and consider his kids’ situation. And have some empathy. You being the adult in this.

But your contempt of these kids comes quite strongly, so actually I don’t think there is much hope for this to work. It’s too bad.

The whole point is he does have conversations with them in earshot and then complains if they overhear.

OP posts:

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:12

MMmomDD · 19/10/2022 23:22

@Evianoff

Of course there are adult conversations that children shouldn’t hear.

But this isn’t about that. OP complained about him having kids in the background when she calls him on his weekend with his kids. As a general comment. And that does sound to me a little strange. His kids are probably with him EOW. And she knows on those weekends he is focused on the kids. Is that really such a terrible thing?

He is a grown up - I am sure if he thought the type of conversations they are having isn’t suitable for the kids ears - he’d not be having those conversation in front of them.
And I hope she isn’t calling him with phone sex while kids are awake & around.

@rstare786
I am sharing my experience of being on the other side. Not projecting it on YOU - as you are the adult partner of a divorced parent. I don’t know how that feels. I am sharing it with you in the hope you would stop just focusing on your POV and consider his kids’ situation. And have some empathy. You being the adult in this.

But your contempt of these kids comes quite strongly, so actually I don’t think there is much hope for this to work. It’s too bad.

We're talking about conversations like my best friend dying in a hospice and no I don't want them to overhear but equally might need to speak to him over the course of the weekend as he's supposed to be my partner so thank you for your constructive character assassination!

OP posts:

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:19

MMmomDD · 19/10/2022 23:22

@Evianoff

Of course there are adult conversations that children shouldn’t hear.

But this isn’t about that. OP complained about him having kids in the background when she calls him on his weekend with his kids. As a general comment. And that does sound to me a little strange. His kids are probably with him EOW. And she knows on those weekends he is focused on the kids. Is that really such a terrible thing?

He is a grown up - I am sure if he thought the type of conversations they are having isn’t suitable for the kids ears - he’d not be having those conversation in front of them.
And I hope she isn’t calling him with phone sex while kids are awake & around.

@rstare786
I am sharing my experience of being on the other side. Not projecting it on YOU - as you are the adult partner of a divorced parent. I don’t know how that feels. I am sharing it with you in the hope you would stop just focusing on your POV and consider his kids’ situation. And have some empathy. You being the adult in this.

But your contempt of these kids comes quite strongly, so actually I don’t think there is much hope for this to work. It’s too bad.

And getting his daughter to prank call from his phone with no caller ID when I'm waiting to hear how he was!

OP posts:

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:28

And why am I still with him? Because I thought I was in love with him and don't know if I'm the unreasonable one which some posters clearly think I am. I was asking for advice from people who don't know me as he comes across as the nicest person to other people!

OP posts:

Unforgettablehamster · 20/10/2022 07:51

OP- my ex is a very nice, charming, intelligent person. We had many amazing, romantic times together and I felt loved and cherished - when I was alone with him. The moment his children demanded something of him - plans were abandoned, invitations declined and I and my child were treated like second category citizens. The reason I stayed so long was the cognitive dissonance I experienced: ‘but surely he loves me and values me, we had so many great times together! He just wants to be a good dad, surely it’s great that he cherishes his children’.
Someone can be a lovely person and a bad partner.
My child’s needs were always attended to, they felt loved and listened to. But my child never run my life or was put on a pedestal; they were thought that other people’s needs are important, too.
My advice to you is: run.

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 07:55

Unforgettablehamster · 20/10/2022 07:51

OP- my ex is a very nice, charming, intelligent person. We had many amazing, romantic times together and I felt loved and cherished - when I was alone with him. The moment his children demanded something of him - plans were abandoned, invitations declined and I and my child were treated like second category citizens. The reason I stayed so long was the cognitive dissonance I experienced: ‘but surely he loves me and values me, we had so many great times together! He just wants to be a good dad, surely it’s great that he cherishes his children’.
Someone can be a lovely person and a bad partner.
My child’s needs were always attended to, they felt loved and listened to. But my child never run my life or was put on a pedestal; they were thought that other people’s needs are important, too.
My advice to you is: run.

This is what it's like. I'm just finding it really difficult to leave x

OP posts:

Unforgettablehamster · 20/10/2022 08:10

Of course it’s difficult - you love him and you have some great times together. Maybe you need more time or a particular boundary breaking behaviour on his part to make the decision. For me it was when my child was not invited to his family barbecue.
He and his children are not going to change. That will be your future. It’s not worth it.

Original poster

rstare786 · 20/10/2022 10:17

Unforgettablehamster · 20/10/2022 08:10

Of course it’s difficult - you love him and you have some great times together. Maybe you need more time or a particular boundary breaking behaviour on his part to make the decision. For me it was when my child was not invited to his family barbecue.
He and his children are not going to change. That will be your future. It’s not worth it.

Thank you.

As for the previous phone sex comment, I'm sure he'd pay attention if I did that!!

OP posts: