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Original poster

Is a surprise a controlling trait?

59 replies

ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:31

Just looking for others views about this.

I've been dating someone (let's call him Jay) for about three months so it is still early days. Earlier this week Jay mentioned that he wanted to book somewhere for us to eat on Saturday (last night) as he had read reviews for somewhere that has a good write up and asked if I was free. I said that I was and then he let me know he had made a reservation and he asked if I wanted to know where it was or for it to be a surprise.

Usually I am the type of person who would want to know the name of the place as I like to plan my outfit and look at the menu to check it caters for my nut allergy. When Jay said he had booked the table, he had said the place was dressy and did cater for me. Given this I thought it would be a nice surprise and I said I did not want to know. Last night he drove to the restaurant and we had a lovely time. The restaurant was fine dining and was amazing.

I told my best friend today that I had been surprised. Her response was that Jay is trying to control me by not telling me where we were going. I'd explained that this was not the case and Jay had offered to tell me but I had said to surprise me. My friend is still suggesting that not telling me straight away is a controlling trait and I should end things before the behaviour gets worse.

I don't see the issue and thought it was a nice thing to do. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 16/10/2022 22:33

Absolutely ridiculous statement by your friend!

she is the one who has control issues since she couldn’t possibly enjoy a surprise

XmasElf10 · 16/10/2022 22:34

Your friend is nuts, sounds a nice date.

CousinKrispy · 16/10/2022 22:34

Nah it sounds perfectly ok since he offered to tell you.

You could always test it next time but seeing his response if you did ask him to tell you, but I don't see any reason for concern here.

AlwaysLatte · 16/10/2022 22:35

Madness. He asked you if you would like to be surprised. Not controlling unless there are other red flags?

CourtneeLuv · 16/10/2022 22:35

She sounds jealous, tbh.

ManAboutTown · 16/10/2022 22:36

Your friend is talking utter bollocks

Jay had checked out it was suitable for your dietary needs, he drove (so not much wine) and you had a great time.

What more do you need.

Sounds like a good guy to me

ManAboutTown · 16/10/2022 22:36

CourtneeLuv · 16/10/2022 22:35

She sounds jealous, tbh.

This as well

Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:43

Thank you for your positive responses! There has not been any red flags to suggest anything untoward. I thought it was just a nice gesture and it was a very swanky restaurant!

OP posts:
hmm5 · 16/10/2022 22:46

I don't see it as controlling, DH often does this for me.

The only way this could be a negative is if you were told to dress up then taken to a chain restaurant or something.

NotJustAnybody · 16/10/2022 22:47

I agree, she jealous. He did a really nice thing. Ignore her and maybe don't tell her too much about him going forward.

Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:51

NotJustAnybody · 16/10/2022 22:47

I agree, she jealous. He did a really nice thing. Ignore her and maybe don't tell her too much about him going forward.

Thank you and I agree I won't be telling her much more about him!

OP posts:
Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:54

hmm5 · 16/10/2022 22:46

I don't see it as controlling, DH often does this for me.

The only way this could be a negative is if you were told to dress up then taken to a chain restaurant or something.

Thank you for your response. Your comment about a chain restaurant has taken me back to when I was at college and taken on a date to McDonalds. The worst bit was the lad said he could drive but couldn't and his mum dropped us off! I didn't have the heart to walk out on him but insisted on getting the bus home

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 16/10/2022 22:57

Someone sounds jealous

Fraaahnces · 16/10/2022 22:59

FGS, he ASKED if you wanted a surprise. He didn’t thrust it upon you!

SunsetsArePretty · 16/10/2022 23:01

Be very carefully of your friend. This sounds like a jealous attempt at sabotaging your relationship, to me.

Flowerfairy101 · 16/10/2022 23:03

Not controlling. Could be controlling/unkind if he knew you didn't like surprises but kept springing them or insisted on making all the plans for dates etc without your input. Agree with PP, your friend sounds jealous and desperate to make you doubt your relationship, which is really sad.

CatsAndDogs21 · 16/10/2022 23:03

Advise like this is why some women are chronically single yet complaining all men are trash! So annoying. Ignore her.

hugefanofcheese · 16/10/2022 23:07

Not sure where she's coming from. It sounds like Jay made a lovely effort to treat you!

He offered to tell you the place name anyway and checked about your allergy requirements so I can't see how he did anything wrong here.

Is your friend recently out of an abusive relationship?

Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 23:10

No she is not. She is currently single as she ended her five year relationship earlier this year as she was not sure if she wanted to settle down

OP posts:
Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 23:10

hugefanofcheese · 16/10/2022 23:07

Not sure where she's coming from. It sounds like Jay made a lovely effort to treat you!

He offered to tell you the place name anyway and checked about your allergy requirements so I can't see how he did anything wrong here.

Is your friend recently out of an abusive relationship?

Sorry- I did not realise I did not quote you in my response above

OP posts:
Tsort · 16/10/2022 23:13

Your friend sounds batshit. Glad you had a lovely time!

GreenManalishi · 16/10/2022 23:19

He asked you if you would like a suprise or to know where you were going, giving you the choice. There's a world of difference between this, and withholding information in order to control. Sounds like she's your problem at the moment, rather than him!

resipsa · 16/10/2022 23:19

I speak as a 52 year old whose husband threw her a surprise 30th party many moons ago much to my surprise and absolute joy. He wants to make you happy. That's all. Enjoy. Ignore your friend!

Tootlingalong · 16/10/2022 23:28

He sounds like a keeper..the friend, not so much.

Orders76 · 16/10/2022 23:36

He offered to tell you, but obviously would like to surprise you. Healthy, kind boundaries and not nuts. I think your friend has trust issues.

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