Is a surprise a controlling trait?

[ColourfulCobra]

Just looking for others views about this.

I've been dating someone (let's call him Jay) for about three months so it is still early days. Earlier this week Jay mentioned that he wanted to book somewhere for us to eat on Saturday (last night) as he had read reviews for somewhere that has a good write up and asked if I was free. I said that I was and then he let me know he had made a reservation and he asked if I wanted to know where it was or for it to be a surprise.

Usually I am the type of person who would want to know the name of the place as I like to plan my outfit and look at the menu to check it caters for my nut allergy. When Jay said he had booked the table, he had said the place was dressy and did cater for me. Given this I thought it would be a nice surprise and I said I did not want to know. Last night he drove to the restaurant and we had a lovely time. The restaurant was fine dining and was amazing.

I told my best friend today that I had been surprised. Her response was that Jay is trying to control me by not telling me where we were going. I'd explained that this was not the case and Jay had offered to tell me but I had said to surprise me. My friend is still suggesting that not telling me straight away is a controlling trait and I should end things before the behaviour gets worse.

I don't see the issue and thought it was a nice thing to do. Am I missing something?

How lovely - your friend is batshit

Refusing to tell you even when you asked to be told? Controlling.

Doing what you requested, and not telling you so that you could be surpised, but giving you the information you asked for to be comfortable (dress and allergy)? Not controlling.

That's my view, anyway.

If he intentionally booked a table somewhere knowingly on a night you'd planned to see friends and then stropped until you changed plans, then she'd have a point.

If he decided to try and tell you exactly what to wear, she'd have a point.
If he'd booked a table without the consideration for your allergy and told you to just get on with it, she'd have a point.
If he'd booked a table and refused to tell you where or tell you anything about it, she'd have a point.
But booking a table somewhere, telling you as much information as you requested, and ensuring that he is mindful of allergen issues, not so much.

I love being controlled by my husband. I liked it best when he controlled me all the way to New York for Christmas once. So controlling!

As your friend is usually supportive then I'm not going to advise that you step away from her based on one isolated incident. This could be anything from jealousy because of insecurity over ending her own relationship to simply being that she's been reading up on controlling behaviours and has misinterpreted things out of a genuine concern over your welfare. After all, you must think there is a good chance that your friend is not just being jealous and wanting to spoil things else you wouldn't have posted asking for advice here. I hope that you work it all out with your friend and I'm sure you will be much happier in your relationship with your best friend around xxx

It sounds like she's trying to pour cold water on it because she's afraid of losing you. Since you're both single, you're probably a comfort blanket to her in some ways.

If it happened exactly as you said, it sounds totally normal. Good sign that he wanted to go somewhere new with you. Good luck!

@Delilahonabike it did cross my mind if that was her thought process as we have had more girlie nights together and maybe she is worried that these will stop though I don't want to do this.

@Pinkbonbon I havent seen any other red flags or behaviour to be concerned about. Usually she is really supportive so this is out of character

Maybe she wasn't feeling herself that day & she'll be back to being supportive.

The date with Jay was very far from controlling. It's actually nice that he offered it as a surprise.

@Rockingcloggs - that made me laugh out loud and gets right to the heart of the matter