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Original poster

Is a surprise a controlling trait?

59 replies

ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:31

Just looking for others views about this.

I've been dating someone (let's call him Jay) for about three months so it is still early days. Earlier this week Jay mentioned that he wanted to book somewhere for us to eat on Saturday (last night) as he had read reviews for somewhere that has a good write up and asked if I was free. I said that I was and then he let me know he had made a reservation and he asked if I wanted to know where it was or for it to be a surprise.

Usually I am the type of person who would want to know the name of the place as I like to plan my outfit and look at the menu to check it caters for my nut allergy. When Jay said he had booked the table, he had said the place was dressy and did cater for me. Given this I thought it would be a nice surprise and I said I did not want to know. Last night he drove to the restaurant and we had a lovely time. The restaurant was fine dining and was amazing.

I told my best friend today that I had been surprised. Her response was that Jay is trying to control me by not telling me where we were going. I'd explained that this was not the case and Jay had offered to tell me but I had said to surprise me. My friend is still suggesting that not telling me straight away is a controlling trait and I should end things before the behaviour gets worse.

I don't see the issue and thought it was a nice thing to do. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 00:51

She sounds more controlling than him!

isntthisabitodd · 17/10/2022 03:13

It sounds like he did a lovely thing and your friend is jealous!

How can it be controlling if he asked you if you want to know where you were going or wanted a surprise?

lannistunut · 17/10/2022 03:25

I hate surprises and do consider surprises can be controlling - but Jay was not behaving in the way that would worry me because he was a) considerate and b) you had the option.

I would say enjoy.

If he 'surprises' you by inviting a group of friends round to yours for dinner, then expects you to cook it, when he knows you're knackered - that's a different matter!

Habreathmint · 17/10/2022 05:02

I think your friend has a case of the green eyed monster!

botleybump · 17/10/2022 05:07

Your friend sounds jealous.
I'd be looking for other red flags in that relationship to be honest.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2022 05:48

Jay sounds lovely and thus far has good boundaries.

Catlover1970 · 17/10/2022 05:50

ColourfulCobra · 16/10/2022 22:31

Just looking for others views about this.

I've been dating someone (let's call him Jay) for about three months so it is still early days. Earlier this week Jay mentioned that he wanted to book somewhere for us to eat on Saturday (last night) as he had read reviews for somewhere that has a good write up and asked if I was free. I said that I was and then he let me know he had made a reservation and he asked if I wanted to know where it was or for it to be a surprise.

Usually I am the type of person who would want to know the name of the place as I like to plan my outfit and look at the menu to check it caters for my nut allergy. When Jay said he had booked the table, he had said the place was dressy and did cater for me. Given this I thought it would be a nice surprise and I said I did not want to know. Last night he drove to the restaurant and we had a lovely time. The restaurant was fine dining and was amazing.

I told my best friend today that I had been surprised. Her response was that Jay is trying to control me by not telling me where we were going. I'd explained that this was not the case and Jay had offered to tell me but I had said to surprise me. My friend is still suggesting that not telling me straight away is a controlling trait and I should end things before the behaviour gets worse.

I don't see the issue and thought it was a nice thing to do. Am I missing something?

Your friend is bonkers and jealous

Appleblum · 17/10/2022 05:50

Your friend is batshit.

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2022 07:08

Yeah, this is a friend issue.

He booked it as a surprise.
Told you about it.
Gave you the option of knowing the details or receiving it as a surprise.

He did a nice thing and handed the control of your experience of it to you.

He handled it beautifully. I also think your friend is over zealous at best; jealous and seeking to sabotage at worst.

Don't under estimate the capacity of a jealous friend to derail your life.

ShandaLear · 17/10/2022 07:58

I took my DP of 7 years to a restaurant for his birthday and didn’t tell him where we were going. All I said was, ‘Wear your best shirt. I’ll pick you up at 7pm’. Is that controlling? I thought it was fun and exciting, and it was. We had such a lovely time. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew he hated surprises and didn’t like going to restaurants. I don’t think I’m controlling at all. Your friend is jealous. Your boyfriend clearly thinks you’re a big deal, because he went to quite a lot of effort to make you feel special.

Dery · 17/10/2022 08:19

“Yeah, this is a friend issue.

He booked it as a surprise.
Told you about it.

Gave you the option of knowing the details or receiving it as a surprise.

He did a nice thing and handed the control of your experience of it to you.

He handled it beautifully. I also think your friend is over zealous at best; jealous and seeking to sabotage at worst.”

This. Also I’ve had surprises occasionally and loved them.

As a PP said, a surprise which requires load of work on your part could be controlling. And personally I think unexpected public proposals can be controlling in the sense that it’s very hard for the recipient to say no. But surprises per se aren’t. Be wary of your friend - she could sabotage a good thing for you.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 17/10/2022 08:24

Fucking hell - your friend is crackers.

He sounds lovely! Enjoy.

Cleotolstoy · 17/10/2022 10:46

Your friend is the controlling one.

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2022 12:34

I'd be inclined to step away from that 'friend' if I were you. Bet she has form for shitting on other people's happiness.

LimpBiskit · 17/10/2022 12:41

Your friend is being a dick and Jay sounds lovely x

Pugalicious · 17/10/2022 12:47

Your friend and you are both nuts which in itself is a surprise since you have a nut allergy

billy1966 · 17/10/2022 13:01

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2022 12:34

I'd be inclined to step away from that 'friend' if I were you. Bet she has form for shitting on other people's happiness.

This.

LuckyLil · 17/10/2022 13:06

Sounds like your friend might have an issue with controlling other people.

tigger1001 · 17/10/2022 13:18

I'm just going to agree with the other posters. This does not sound controlling. He asked if you were free as he wanted to book this restaurant, he asked if you wanted a surprise or whether you wanted to be told, and he checked it was suitable for you. That sounds like a lovely thing to do.

It does sound like though your friend may be jealous

KettrickenSmiled · 17/10/2022 14:09

Does your friend have form for undermining you when good things are happening in your life OP?

Original poster
ColourfulCobra · 17/10/2022 14:35

KettrickenSmiled · 17/10/2022 14:09

Does your friend have form for undermining you when good things are happening in your life OP?

@KettrickenSmiled no this is a complete first though she did end her relationship earlier this year as she did not want to settle down! She is usually really supportive. We've known each other since being 11

OP posts:
Delilahonabike · 17/10/2022 14:53

ColourfulCobra · 17/10/2022 14:35

@KettrickenSmiled no this is a complete first though she did end her relationship earlier this year as she did not want to settle down! She is usually really supportive. We've known each other since being 11

Show quote history

Are you spending a lot of time together since she's been single OP? Just wondering if she's worried about losing her 'partner in crime' and trying to sabotage you a bit? Selfish of her if so and she comes off far more controlling of you than Jay does here.

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2022 14:59

Unless maybe she has more backstory on your relationship than we do and naybd you explained the surprise slightly different to her. So maybe she's picking up on red flags we aren't.

If she doesn't have form for being unsupportive then that's a possibility.

Though it could just be as others have said, she isn't happy in her own life right now so selfishly doesn't want you to be either. Maybe that's a new behaviour from her if she's not in a happy place atm.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 15:09

It's really lovely that he checked the menu catered to you and checked the dress code.

Definite brownie points.

watcherintherye · 17/10/2022 15:14

I'd be wary of your friend, rather than 'Jay'!

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