Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H and 50th birthday - is what he wants ok?

60 replies

MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:20

It's my DH's 50th coming up. He had to take quite a bit of leave before the end of the year and he's taken it over his birthday. He wants to go abroad (very far away, prob at least 2 weeks) to visit his Mum. He hasn't seen her since Covid. I feel like I don't know how to respond:

  • To think it's great. He gets to see his Mum who he hasn't seen for ages. Lets me off the hook arranging a party or event so I'm a bit relieved. He gets to spend the money going away instead of a party (we could probably do both by using savings but he's very stressed generally about money).
  • To think it's odd. He won't be with me or DC (teens) for his birthday. Things are strained between all of us so this creates more 'distance'. Feel he is running away. Feel he's jealous that I have put a lot of effort into my Dad's 80th which is this week (prob be the last big party for him as not sure he'll want it at 90 so I've made a big effort).

What would you say? What would you do?

OP posts:
ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 16/10/2022 06:28

Can you all go? Is he keen for another celebration with you all at a different time? I live in Aus and so didn't see my parents for 3 years over covid and so I would have given up anything to see them...so I understand his point of view if that's how he feels. He can celebrate his birthday on another day with you all. However, if he isn't keen on you all going or at least another celebration, I would be 🤨

equalstime · 16/10/2022 06:29

It's a fair request that if he has lots of leave that he takes it and if he is going very far, that he stays for two weeks and that if he hasn't seen his mother in a long time and he is 50, so mother is elderly they he would like to take this opportunity to see her.

You respond with love and openness to this very fair and very reasonable request.

Separately you work on the other issues within your marriage.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:31

We can't all go as the flight is over a thousand each and there's 5 of us plus we'd have to wait for school hols so he wouldn't be there for his birthday. It's also quite unstable currently.

Another celebration is a great idea. Maybe we could do something in Jan or Feb. I don't know if he'll do that considering the money. In terms of going out as a family, I think that would be a bit weird

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:32

...a bit weird later like a month after his birthday but a belated party

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:33

Would be fine. Sorry, Mumsnet is being weird and keeps posting before I'm done.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:37

You respond with love and openness to this very fair and very reasonable request

Thank you. So far I have, I think. But then yesterday he made a bit of a comment about the effort I'm putting into my Dad's birthday and I felt he was jealous. I wondered if he wants me to organise something for him to show that he's special.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:38

Ps. It wasn't really a request. He's told me that's what he's doing!

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 16/10/2022 06:39

I think I might feel a bit rejected by that plan but really it’s a good use of his annual leave and as a pp says he’s probably desperate to see his mum.

i’d definitely suggest hosting a party at a later date. Depending on his personality maybe he won’t want one and might be keen to have a reason not to be centre of attention?

autienotnaughty · 16/10/2022 06:40

I completely understand why he wants to go and it's lovely he wants to use earmarked bday money rather than dip into savings. I'd be a bit upset he's going on his actual bday tho. Could he not go week after or something? That way you could do bday tea and pressies on his birthday.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/10/2022 06:42

It's his birthday and this is what he wants to do so you let him go and you do something else with him when he is back. I turned 60 this year and I have done lots of different things with family/friends over this year. It's been fab having lots of different celebrations and they have all felt very special.

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 06:45

I think given he hasn’t seen her for a long time and considering what her age must be, it’s lovely to go over his birthday. It very well could be the last big birthday of his, that he can spend with her. She may not be here for his 60th.

I wouldn’t have a problem. Especially, since it’s been difficult to travel so not like he could have just gone last year.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:47

Depending on his personality maybe he won’t want one and might be keen to have a reason not to be centre of attention?

I think he feels he ought to have a party (his cousins have all had big 40th birthdays) but he doesn't really want one because of the cost and hassle, which won't be worth it for him. I think he'd enjoy it but not as much as he's paid iyswim. However, he would interpret a lot of effort into a party as a labour of love on my part so he'll also want it for that reason. So he's probably caught a bit on that one! I will suggest a later party, that's a really great idea from a PP, and shows I'm willing to put the effort in and he can decide if that's money he wants to spend.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:55

Thanks all. I feel more positive. I felt like it was a bit of an 'FU, I'll spend my special day with someone I love and who loves me' and also a bit of a missed opportunity, but it's hard when you're right inside a situation. His Mum has been a bit of an issue in our marriage (he idolises her and often compared me in our early marriage, doesn't anymore but she's very different from me!).

It's great to hear positive, neutral comments that this is a nice, good thing for him to choose.

OP posts:
BlooberryBiskits · 16/10/2022 06:58

Hi OP - sorry to hear things are a bit distant with your husband, it’s not uncommon and as PP says it’s something you can work on.

I can see why you feel a bit hurt that DH is making a choice to spend that day with his mum rather than you and your DCs, but it can be like that unfortunately when family live in another country: it’s practical to spend a couple of weeks and understandable to want to see his mum
especially as she won’t be young. Just give him space/let him do his trip with an open heart.

Re doing something when he is back; I think 100 per cent he wants you to do something when he is back 😄

We are all children in a way, and like attention/bring spoiled/someone showing us we are important. I am hosting a 50th party today for a friend- birthday was 2 months ago but this is the first date that we can all get together (due to trips/people having Covid etc)… it’s not weird to plan something a bit later or have a few different events when it’s a milestone birthday

I get that maybe you feel like you can’t win due to your husband feeling pressured about money - I think nearly everyone is more worried about money now than we used to be. The party I’m having is at home, and I don’t think having a party needs to be expensive - you’d just plan the food and drink carefully.

I’ve done a couple of things to make today a bit special for my friend: a ‘happy 50th’ ballon, some bunting, and bought a special ‘happy 50th’ glass, and we’ll be having birthday cake of course - otherwise it’s just a normal having friends over, but it’s a nice way to mark the day. Maybe you could tell your husband that you will arrange something to mark the occasion when he is back, then think about what us best re timing and budget when he is away

Is it just his mum, or will he also be seeing his siblings & other relatives? That is another reason to stay for a while I guess

cc1997 · 16/10/2022 06:59

He hasn't seen his mum in over two years? Send him with money for a lovely meal out with his mum on his birthday of course!! Help him pack. Drive him to the airport. Celebrate his 50th when he gets back home. I don't see why there is a problem?

rwalker · 16/10/2022 07:05

To some people birthdays significant one as well are no big deal
he wants to see his mum and it ties in nicely not the main factor
As for your dad’s birthday was he definitely jealous or just couldn’t see what all the fuss was about

tbh he’s not going to see his mum by the sounds of it for many other birthdays

BlooberryBiskits · 16/10/2022 07:05

Hi OP - just read your update (eg about the cousin’s 40th etc) … and your comment ‘he will enjoy it, but not as much as he spends’ - totally get it 😆

Some of the personal touches are free (eg our friend is really into horses, am going to stick one of the kids toy horses on his cake as a topper…) and show the thought which you’ve said will speak to your husband

Have the party - and later on. I remember a lovely party when I was growing up, for my dear cousin, who was a lot older and visiting with his family from abroad. My parents had a nice party for him, we all dressed up etc - it’s a nice thing to look back on and 50 is very much ‘celebrating being in your prime’ especially for a lot of men

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 07:08

Thanks Blooberry. Great ideas!

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 16/10/2022 07:09

Would it be possible for his mum to come to yours to stay instead? Perhaps he could use the money for his flight for hers if it's something she can't afford? But if she lives where he grew up and can see why he would want to visit her.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 07:12

As for your dad’s birthday was he definitely jealous or just couldn’t see what all the fuss was about

Good point. He was annoyed I was putting so much time and effort into it and neglecting other things. Might not be jealous, I could have read into that. I do know he'd consider putting a lot of effort into something to be a labour of love.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 07:14

Cotswold, I wish she could come but I don't think she can handle the flight and there's a few other factors would make it difficult. I think he feels very happy and relaxed when he goes home so it will be great for him.

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 16/10/2022 07:17

Tbh op it does sound like there are some tensions in your marriage which need a bit of work. But I would try and separate that from the perfectly reasonable birthday trip abroad and deal with the relationship tensions alongside.

BlooberryBiskits · 16/10/2022 07:44

MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 07:08

Thanks Blooberry. Great ideas!

Hi OP - to manage cost when hosting a party - do a massively carb heavy buffet at home (bread & potatoes are ‘cheap as chips’), at lunchtime and invite kids so people (hopefully) drink less. Buy it all from Lidl/ALDI and have loads of soft drinks available

You can make it special by doing some homemade bits on the food (today I’m doing some pastry/vol au vents etc, Costa literally pennies, but it’s not a daily thing, making a special playlist (I’ve picked out greatest hits of 1972 on Spotify etc), decorations etc

Get in booze, but hopefully most people would bring some and you drink that on the day and then you can return any unopened bottles you bought

Cake from Costco or similar. Decorations etc are v cheap at places like B&M, Tiger, Wilkos - only the best for the birthday boy 😂

I’m sure if you started a thread on that you’d get loads of ideas of how to make it special without blowing the budget

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 08:27

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 08:52

Donotgogentle · 16/10/2022 07:17

Tbh op it does sound like there are some tensions in your marriage which need a bit of work. But I would try and separate that from the perfectly reasonable birthday trip abroad and deal with the relationship tensions alongside.

That's true. It's long term and makes me very, very sad. And now I see our issues, the same ones leading to a breakdown in his relationship with our kids. I don't really know what to do. Another thread!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread