H and 50th birthday - is what he wants ok?

[MerryMarigold]

It's my DH's 50th coming up. He had to take quite a bit of leave before the end of the year and he's taken it over his birthday. He wants to go abroad (very far away, prob at least 2 weeks) to visit his Mum. He hasn't seen her since Covid. I feel like I don't know how to respond:

• To think it's great. He gets to see his Mum who he hasn't seen for ages. Lets me off the hook arranging a party or event so I'm a bit relieved. He gets to spend the money going away instead of a party (we could probably do both by using savings but he's very stressed generally about money).

• To think it's odd. He won't be with me or DC (teens) for his birthday. Things are strained between all of us so this creates more 'distance'. Feel he is running away. Feel he's jealous that I have put a lot of effort into my Dad's 80th which is this week (prob be the last big party for him as not sure he'll want it at 90 so I've made a big effort).

What would you say? What would you do?

When I had a BIG birthday, I arranged to do different things, with different people over the year. This was also partly due to people living in different locations.

There is no reason why you can't have a meal out & cake or a day out somewhere either before or after his birthday surely ?

Just make plans for another day

What I’d do is try to not make it about yourself and try to imagine what it feels like to leave far away from ageing parents, and on top of that have a pandemic that makes it impossible to even visit. (With real possibility of your parents dying while you can’t even visit).
So - was he really jealous about your Dad’s birthday - or possibly felt sad being reminded that he can’t do it for his mom….

As to being jealous. He had had many birthdays with you. Try to imagine his mom’s happiness she’ll see him for this one, especially given all the circumstances.

Not everyone wants or needs parties. I'm particularly bad about big 'zero' birthdays when I usually stay in bed with my head under the duvet, but even ordinary birthdays I wouldn't do anything more than going out for a meal with DH and the DC.

Clearly a big birthday fuss is important to some people, you for instance, which makes you feel like he's going to suffer an anti-climax. It's a sort of 'treat others how you would like to be treated' thing. But your feelings aren't his feelings, so you should really have a 'treat others how they would like to be treated' approach. He wants to visit his mother, who he presumably hasn't seen for around three years. If that's what will make him happy then don't suck any happiness out of his trip by making him feel that he's letting you down in some way.

So flying to "Thailand area", when he has teenage DCs and a wife, for a couple of weeks and using most of his holiday, to see his mum? You think he is not considering celebrating his birthday important, significant or a special event?

He clearly wants to celebrate and finds it completely important as is spending time and money on it. Without thee large majority of his family.

I also, loathe birthdays and do not celebrate. My 50th last year was a curry at lunchtime with my DD and husband.

Something does not sit right at all. I am not going to be the one that suggests what I think it may be.

Other relationship issues aside, I think the birthday trip is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I’ve been away for weeks at a time from Dh/dc (not specifically for a birthday) as my family is abroad. I can absolutely see why he’d want to take some time to prioritise his mum/birth family. If he’s 50, I would assume she is quite elderly. And I would also assume it means you don’t have toddlers at home. Hopefully that means it’s not too difficult to manage parenting solo for a few weeks and you can celebrate his birthday before he leaves and when he returns. None of this seems problematic (obviously there are deeper issues at play too). Dh actually booked me to go away on my own for my 40th while he stayed home with dc. It was lovely!

Dh actually booked me to go away on my own for my 40th while he stayed home with dc. It was lovely!

You do not see the difference?
Was it for "at least two weeks?"
How old are your DCs?

I imagine younger than teens and this was a break for you.

Dh actually booked me to go away on my own for my 40th while he stayed home with dc. It was lovely!

I think OFFERED to be away/relieved from normal duties do a really nice gift. IF this is what you want (someone else might be craving time together asa family).
But I doubt the dh will be relieved of as much duties as you have. Just because he is a man (and you’re a woman).

I think he is a grown man and can do as he likes. Of course its "ok" for him to spend time with his mother like he wants to

Sorry, bad wording. I didn't mean he should go to prison, but whether I should feel ok about it.

It would not even occur to me to make a big deal of this

I haven't, which is why I posted. Because I wasn't sure if it was a big deal. I feel much better and we had a good chat about what he'd like to do belatedly for his birthday. Thanks to the constructive comments here.

What are the issues in his relationship with you that are now becoming evident in his relationship with the kids?
He likes everything to work in specific ways and can get very naggy if it's not going the way he expects it to. Eg. Yesterday he was nagging kids about chores. It's the way he asks which is quite rude. He comes from an authoritarian culture (parents to children but also husbands to wives), but I don't so it's not been smooth. He's much better to me now but seems to have transferred his need to be the authority onto the kids. Doesn't go down well with 3 teenagers! The oldest is nearly 17 and his relationship with his Dad is very strained.

Anyway, he does do a fair bit around the house. Yesterday he hoovered and mopped downstairs and I didn't do any cleaning because I was shopping party food, taking kids to library and making a special album for my Dad. We talked today about his birthday and he wants to do karaoke early next year so we can try and set that up. It will be a joint effort. I felt better. I'm fairly sure he's not going away to get up to anything dodgy.

You're controlling.

Vaccine, why?