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Original poster

H and 50th birthday - is what he wants ok?

60 replies

MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 06:20

It's my DH's 50th coming up. He had to take quite a bit of leave before the end of the year and he's taken it over his birthday. He wants to go abroad (very far away, prob at least 2 weeks) to visit his Mum. He hasn't seen her since Covid. I feel like I don't know how to respond:

  • To think it's great. He gets to see his Mum who he hasn't seen for ages. Lets me off the hook arranging a party or event so I'm a bit relieved. He gets to spend the money going away instead of a party (we could probably do both by using savings but he's very stressed generally about money).
  • To think it's odd. He won't be with me or DC (teens) for his birthday. Things are strained between all of us so this creates more 'distance'. Feel he is running away. Feel he's jealous that I have put a lot of effort into my Dad's 80th which is this week (prob be the last big party for him as not sure he'll want it at 90 so I've made a big effort).

What would you say? What would you do?

OP posts:
BlooberryBiskits · 16/10/2022 09:17

Hi @MerryMarigold : another thread, but as a starter I think you should tell your husband that you feel sad about the distance that has set in between you, & that you’d like to work on that (assuming it’s what you want, which I understand from the tone of your posts)

Big birthdays make us reassess things, and maybe some time ‘out of the routine’ will do your husband some good to see what he has got.

Not everyone gets to see 50, and definitely not everyone gets to see 50 with a spouse and children all well and healthy. Hope your husband can see that & things improve for you x

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 09:21

BlooberryBiskits · 16/10/2022 09:17

Hi @MerryMarigold : another thread, but as a starter I think you should tell your husband that you feel sad about the distance that has set in between you, & that you’d like to work on that (assuming it’s what you want, which I understand from the tone of your posts)

Big birthdays make us reassess things, and maybe some time ‘out of the routine’ will do your husband some good to see what he has got.

Not everyone gets to see 50, and definitely not everyone gets to see 50 with a spouse and children all well and healthy. Hope your husband can see that & things improve for you x

♥️

OP posts:
Knackeredandstressed · 16/10/2022 09:27

Maybe a big birthday has made him realise his mum might not be around much longer which is why he's keen to go to see her (and have a celebration there?) Why not have another a party with family here when he gets back?

PoseyFlump · 16/10/2022 09:30

Maybe he's seen you organising your dads big birthday and he doesn't want that for himself and has found a way to kill two birds with one stone. I don't like milestone birthday parties and would hate a surprise one. Could he be worried about that? Having to pretend he's happy etc?

stircraziness · 16/10/2022 09:32

OP where does his mother live? Is it somewhere like Thailand?

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 16/10/2022 09:40

stircraziness · 16/10/2022 09:32

OP where does his mother live? Is it somewhere like Thailand?

Yeah, in the vicinity!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 16/10/2022 09:43

I think he is a grown man and can do as he likes. Of course its "ok" for him to spend time with his mother like he wants to!!

I dont get to spend xmas woth my partner as he flies home to see his family. Wouldn't dream of thinking it wasnt ok. Sure it's a big birthday for yout husband but this is his family.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/10/2022 09:44

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 06:45

I think given he hasn’t seen her for a long time and considering what her age must be, it’s lovely to go over his birthday. It very well could be the last big birthday of his, that he can spend with her. She may not be here for his 60th.

I wouldn’t have a problem. Especially, since it’s been difficult to travel so not like he could have just gone last year.

This.

He and his mum can reminisce.

It would not even occur to me to make a big deal of this.

Zonder · 16/10/2022 09:44

Could you do a lovely family dinner out to a favourite restaurant before he goes, to mark his birthday together, then plan a party later if he wants one when he is back?

oviraptor21 · 16/10/2022 09:48

It's absolutely fair that he goes to visit his mother.

A separate celebration of his birthday with you and family doesn't need to be hugely expensive. Just a nice meal out is more than enough for any birthday.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/10/2022 09:52

its HIS birthday so he gets to do what HE wants to do!

some people on here are martyrs and think u should so what your partner or most likely kids would like but… nah!

his Birthday, his choice

it really is that simple

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/10/2022 09:53

Also he gets to see you and the kids day in and day out but he hasn’t seen his mum in years so it’s absolutely the right thing

gannett · 16/10/2022 09:55

The beauty of celebrating birthdays as an adult is that you don't have to do it on the actual day or even anywhere near. I took DP for his birthday meal two months after the actual date once. This year, we had my birthday party a month early. (Both times because it was just more convenient.)

Sending your husband off to visit his mum and celebrating with him before he goes or after he gets back are not mutually exclusive. A belated celebration isn't remotely strange!

WakingUpDistress · 16/10/2022 10:08

I think both pints are true @MerryMarigold .

Great he can see his mum, esp As he hasn’t seen her for a long time. He can chose how o spend his b’day etc…
But very weird he is chasing to spend his b’day away when things have nit been good. Or maybe I should say it’s very telling instead.

Re people saying you can e do b’day party at a different time. Yes you can but I’d ask him first tbh. Because if his aim is to NOT spend that special b’day with you/dcs then planning another one might not go down well or be appreciated.
Nowadays, I actually wouldn’t plan anything if he isn’t mentioning doing something at a later date tbh.

Dibbydoos · 16/10/2022 10:15

His nose is def out of joint.

if he def wants to see his mum, support him.

Plan something for you as a family before he takes his trip. Make it really special, tell the venue, get a cake. Let your friends know what you're doing and if they can book a table at the venue too it'll be really nice that he sees people he knows there and not extra costly for you.

If it's a place with a band on all the better!

Alcemeg · 16/10/2022 10:56

I think the COVID isolation made us all long for close contact with the people who matter to us. Both DH and I have made special plans to spend time separately with our parents over the past year or so. If your DH wants to do this, I think it's really important. Support him in his plans, and celebrate his birthday when he gets back.

venusandmars · 16/10/2022 11:25

@MerryMarigold Different situation... my dc lives abroad and has a big birthday coming up this year. They won't be here over their brithday period but will be back in UK a couple of months later. Family were discussing holding a belated party but it felt like a bit of an afterthought, once all the excitement of the actual birthday was over.

DC was here 2 months before the birthday so we threw a surprise early party (small, just family) with photos from every year of their life. They were thrilled by the pre-birthday celebration.

adriftabroad · 16/10/2022 11:32

I would have no problem with a DH going away for their birthday, significant or otherwise.

But, am I the only one to smell something fishy here?

Yes, at 50, with teens and a marriage with issues you revaluate A LOT.

Floralnomad · 16/10/2022 11:33

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2022 09:43

I think he is a grown man and can do as he likes. Of course its "ok" for him to spend time with his mother like he wants to!!

I dont get to spend xmas woth my partner as he flies home to see his family. Wouldn't dream of thinking it wasnt ok. Sure it's a big birthday for yout husband but this is his family.

It may be his family but so is the OP and his children !
wrt the original post I don’t think you would be thinking about it in these terms if you had a problem free relationship with him @MerryMarigold . If his birthday is quite close to when he leaves I’d book a restaurant, invite his closest friends and family and give him a send off to show him that you a) have thought about it and b) are happy that he’s going to his mums .

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 16/10/2022 11:52

I get the impression that your husband thinks it's OK for you to do something that's a labour of love for HIM, but not for anyone else (see: your dad) - especially not if it inconveniences him or necessitates him stepping up in a support role (what exactly did you "neglect" while organising your dad's party? Did your husband have to temporarily take on some of "your" usual jobs?). Am I barking up the wrong tree or is that a reasonable summary? (He does, however, think it's totally acceptable for him to expect you to do his share of everything at home for a fortnight without even discussing it with you, let alone asking - he merely announces that he's going and that's that.)

What are the issues in his relationship with you that are now becoming evident in his relationship with the kids?

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick! But @adriftabroad is not the only one who smells something fishy. I feel like there's more to this than appears on the surface, but you're keenly aware that a man who hasn't seen his elderly mother for a long time ought to be able to do so and that is perhaps clouding the larger/wider/deeper issue(s)?

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2022 12:33

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2022 09:43

I think he is a grown man and can do as he likes. Of course its "ok" for him to spend time with his mother like he wants to!!

I dont get to spend xmas woth my partner as he flies home to see his family. Wouldn't dream of thinking it wasnt ok. Sure it's a big birthday for yout husband but this is his family.

He's a grown man with a wife and children who are therefore 'family'.

The OP isn't trying to stop him seeing his mother but it's showcasing the problems within his immediate family

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2022 12:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/10/2022 09:52

its HIS birthday so he gets to do what HE wants to do!

some people on here are martyrs and think u should so what your partner or most likely kids would like but… nah!

his Birthday, his choice

it really is that simple

And the OP is entitled to feel sad that he doesn't want to spend it with his wife and children however reasonable it is that he goes to see his mother

Riverlee · 16/10/2022 12:37

I didn’t want a party for my 50th either.

Lightningfast · 16/10/2022 12:40

Can you not use the money to fly his mum over to see you? Then he wouldn’t need to associate being happy with his mum and being with his family as two mutually exclusive things.

Hbh17 · 16/10/2022 12:40

If it's what he wants, then it's 100% OK. Imagine if you wanted to do something and your husband was making a fuss. I don't understand the obsession with adult birthdays (especially one's own!), but we should all be respected as independent individuals. This is HIS birthday - nobody else's.

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