Best way to tell my husband to move out...I've had enough of him

[ChristmasSnowCookie]

We split up december 2020 and I am desperate to move on. I had to force him to get a job and since then, our benefits are based off of what he earns. He now gets more than me. This month he earnt more than usual and my payment was only just over 500. I have asked him to get our boys hair cuts and to buy them new mattresses. He said he can't afford new mattresses. I asked him what he spends his money on because we barely see any of it and he seems really annoyed. The only time he gives me any money is when I ask for money for food when I've run out and he doesn't always seem happy to give me this.

I've paid for all 3 of our children's birthdays recently and now will be paying for Christmas. I am going shopping today and buying my eldest clothes and toiletries he needs for his school trip as he's away for 2 nights, and our middle child some new jeans as he has grown out of all his others.

We got the government grant and recieved £324 and I was supposed to use this to make our home better but due to my ex still living here and not giving me much money I've had to use that on what my children need. We get the next bit next month which is £326 and then I'm splitting finances and telling him he has to move out.

He seems so mad at me whenever I ask him to provide for his children or suggest one of us moving out. He has threatened to kill himself multiple times and all this is taking a toll on my mental health. I feel awful as he has no one but at the same time, it needs to be done.

What's the best way to go about this. I've really tried to end this in the best way so we are still friends, but I'm really starting to hate this man as he is still here almost 2 years on. He's nothing like the man I married, I don't even know who he is anymore and I just want to live my life and be happy.

Can you not find a private rent and just leave him in the council property? Yes it’s annoying to give the council property up but otherwise you could be living like this for a long time

That seems like a 'him' problem and not a 'you' problem to fix.

But what will he do? Call the police, they will say it’s civil matter and sort it out between yourself. They have broke up and he needs to accept that and leave!

You’re fighting a losing battle and your mental health will not improve much if you carry on like you are. Legally he doesn’t have to move out, neither are you. There is no point waiting for him to get out as it’s clearly not going to happen. You need to accept that you are either going to have to live together, albeit separated or go private. You council can help cover deposit and 1st month’s rent and then UC will help with your housing costs. As shit as it is, that’s the only choices you have.

Cant his name is on the tenancy. Has he ever been abusive to you Op? I think if there is abuse then there are different rules when it comes to housing. Council can’t reasonably expect you to remain with abuser. Abuse doesn’t need to physical. You certainly sound mentally beaten down by him. I’d contact womens aid and see what they can suggest.

even if his name was not on the tenancy, if they are married, that is was the family home, and he has as much much right to reside there as she does.
that is part of what being married means.
but OP needs to take urgent advice on how to resolve this situation.
she seems more annoyed about the mattresses than on getting the whole situation resolved.
and do not consider used mattresses for your children, please; just think about that.
as they say here on MN, the OP needs to give her head a good wobble.

Call his bluff re killing himself. He should either be contributing 50:50 or he can fuck off. Once gone, if he threatens to kill himself- call the police. Thatll put a stop to it if hes just using it as a tactic. Give him a date to be out by eg end of Nov (two pay packets to save up)

No, I applied for a divorce whilst still living in the same house as my now exH, and we had a joint account/joint finances.

"actually can force him out via a women's charity as he manipulates me with death threats, na dis incredibly miserable however, I wouldn't do that. Almost 2 years on and I'm trying to do it in the best way for me, him and our children. I want to stay friends with him but he's making it impossible. He's not doing anything to move on with his life. He's overly aggressive towards our kids at times. I've had enough. We need to move on ASAP."

And

"think many of you are all failing to grasp the effect his behaviour has on me and my children. He does nothing arpund the house, he is miserable and aggressive at times. He manipulates me with killing himself when I try to leave. He gets paid more than me, and pays one bill at £82 a month. Where is the rest of the money going?! "

You know you CAN force him out but you won't? You claim to be desperate and that he has a terrible effect on you and your kids, all you want is to separate and you to move out which you say is impossible..... and you STILL won't do the one thing that could magically fix all this? By reporting his abuse , financial abuse, and threats of suicide you can get a non mol order , have him removed from your home , claim as a single mum, keep your kids etc which will fix everything. But you are prioritising HIM over your kids and yourself.

You need to stop caring about this man as he clearly doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about your children. He would see you all the streets before but you still prioritise him over your kids having a safe stable home, mattresses and food!

You absurdly have NOT tried everything you can. You have actively avoided acting that will work to remove him from your home cos "feelings" and continue to just carry on the way you are. I know it's hard. I've been where you are. But I'm not still there because I realised that by putting my abuse above my kids, my kids would never have jack shit. And they loved their dad too. Now they are adults who haven't seen him in 18-20 years and as ADULTS they 100% know I was absolutely right to do what I did to protect THEM.

God no that's not the case! You can apply for divorce any time but he can contest it and if you can't prove 2 years separation you'll have to go to court to fight him which will be a pain in the arse but you should absolutely still apply. You should also definitely apply for an occupation order on the basis of domestic abuse. You want to be kind to him but you're ruining your own life by doing nothing.

Two years it’s been like this, why should he be any different as you do nothing about it. He’s living the good life!

Who pays the rent?

Firstly, as others have said you can apply for no fault divorce online. You may reside in the same property , but the marriage hasn’t been subsisting for at least the required 2 years- you are not required to provide any financial evidence of this with the application.

Secondly, from what you’ve said it sounds like at the very least your ex is emotionally abusive, this together with you being on low wage and having children, may fit the criteria for legal aid/ help with divorce costs, so definitely look into that.

Thirdly I would inform him that you consider the relationship over and it best he find alternative accommodation, after which ‘grey rock’ him and also contact Women aid for advice.

I think you may have to face facts that at this time, maintaining a friendship may not be possible. However that’s not to say that you won’t develop one in the future.

Can you not speak to his parents, tell them the situation and maybe they'd let him back in the family home?

You seem a bit stuck in a loop of complaining but not doing anything.

You've been separated but didn't bother filing for divorce or telling UC and making your own claim.

He works, you don't

Nothing will change if you keep doing the same things

Your husband sounds deeply depressed ro me.You complain that he does nothing around the house, but he is working more than full time on nights!
I think you need to try to persuade him to visit his GP.If he refuses, I would certainly call the police if he threatens suicide. I don't really understand why you think it is an idle threat to manipulate you.You are basically threatening to throw him on the streets, un his already depressed state, I xan understand why he would contemplate taking his own life