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Original poster

Best way to tell my husband to move out...I've had enough of him

92 replies

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 10:18

We split up december 2020 and I am desperate to move on. I had to force him to get a job and since then, our benefits are based off of what he earns. He now gets more than me. This month he earnt more than usual and my payment was only just over 500. I have asked him to get our boys hair cuts and to buy them new mattresses. He said he can't afford new mattresses. I asked him what he spends his money on because we barely see any of it and he seems really annoyed. The only time he gives me any money is when I ask for money for food when I've run out and he doesn't always seem happy to give me this.

I've paid for all 3 of our children's birthdays recently and now will be paying for Christmas. I am going shopping today and buying my eldest clothes and toiletries he needs for his school trip as he's away for 2 nights, and our middle child some new jeans as he has grown out of all his others.

We got the government grant and recieved £324 and I was supposed to use this to make our home better but due to my ex still living here and not giving me much money I've had to use that on what my children need. We get the next bit next month which is £326 and then I'm splitting finances and telling him he has to move out.

He seems so mad at me whenever I ask him to provide for his children or suggest one of us moving out. He has threatened to kill himself multiple times and all this is taking a toll on my mental health. I feel awful as he has no one but at the same time, it needs to be done.

What's the best way to go about this. I've really tried to end this in the best way so we are still friends, but I'm really starting to hate this man as he is still here almost 2 years on. He's nothing like the man I married, I don't even know who he is anymore and I just want to live my life and be happy.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 15/10/2022 10:54

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 10:32

No he isn't. I wouldn't be mad if that was the case, but he isn't. He literally tells me he will kill himself instead.

Show quote history

Hopefully you aren't falling for his emotional blackmail.

Can you sit down and have a grown up conversation about you splitting up and the financial situation. You must know he has a right to a roof over his head just as you have and you can't just demand expenditure randomly, it needs to be agreed and budgeted for.

Aprilx · 15/10/2022 10:54

Takeitonthechin · 15/10/2022 10:52

Firstly, pack his things into bags and put them outside... tell him to leave immediately

She has no right to do that. She needs to use proper channels and it isn’t clear if she has even started to do that.

Dery · 15/10/2022 10:54

How old are your DCs? If they’re in school, can you get part-time work to fit round their hours?

Whinge · 15/10/2022 10:55

@ChristmasSnowCookie

You seem to have missed my message, or don't want to answer.

Have you actually started the process of getting divorced?

bellsbuss · 15/10/2022 10:56

If you're no longer together then why are you not claiming as a single person ? I thought you could do this even if living in the same house

howshouldibehave · 15/10/2022 10:57

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 10:48

His name is on the tenancy and he works. I was looking for work, and then had a breakdown about am recovering from that before looking for work again.

Show quote history

Are both your names the tenancy or just his?

How old are your children?

Oceans12 · 15/10/2022 10:58

@Pinkbonbon Forewqrning - if you threaten to kill yourself again, I'll call you an ambulance. And they can either treat you or FINE you for being a manipulative twat who is wasting their time. I'll let them decide which one it is. Now, seen as you don't contribute to this home, you have to leave it. So start flat hunting. No ifs or buts. We are over and it's time for you to go'

^^ That should sort it out nicely

(Nice one Pink !)

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:00

Takeitonthechin · 15/10/2022 10:52

Firstly, pack his things into bags and put them outside... tell him to leave immediately

He won't speak to his parents so has nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Dery · 15/10/2022 11:03

“Can you sit down and have a grown up conversation about you splitting up and the financial situation. You must know he has a right to a roof over his head just as you have and you can't just demand expenditure randomly, it needs to be agreed and budgeted for.”

This.

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:05

daisychain01 · 15/10/2022 10:54

Hopefully you aren't falling for his emotional blackmail.

Can you sit down and have a grown up conversation about you splitting up and the financial situation. You must know he has a right to a roof over his head just as you have and you can't just demand expenditure randomly, it needs to be agreed and budgeted for.

Show quote history

I don't believe he would do it but at the same time, of course it has a huge effect on me. I've had a breakdown twice trying to figure things out for us both. I'm the only one trying to figure things out.

I'm also not demanding expenditure. He earns more than me and we see nothing but a small amount for food when I have nothing. He pays the TV bill every month and that's it. He does nothing around the house. He isn't saving up. Where does all his money go?! I don't think it was unreasonable of me to ask him to get 2 new mattresses. Second hand or new.

I'm not going to see him out on the streets but somethings got to give. I've looked into moving out but it's just not possible. I'd prefer to move out with the children but I'd have to private rent and I can't afford to do that. He could go back to his parents or move out himself. He's had 2 years to budget and save and he's done absolutely nothing. This is why I'm so frustrated!!

OP posts:
allboysmum3 · 15/10/2022 11:05

I would be seeking alternative living arrangements for you and the children. Can you move in with parents and apply for your own property as the one you are currently in is in his name so I'm not sure you can force him to leave.

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:06

Whinge · 15/10/2022 10:55

@ChristmasSnowCookie

You seem to have missed my message, or don't want to answer.

Have you actually started the process of getting divorced?

There's a lot of messages. Im doing my best to answer them all. We cannot apply for divorce unless we have split finances for 2 years and csn prove it or live separately. So no divorce process can start yet.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 15/10/2022 11:07

Tell him to get the fuck out. He’s pointless and selfish. And that suicide threat is a bullshit attempt to control you. Ignore it.

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:07

allboysmum3 · 15/10/2022 11:05

I would be seeking alternative living arrangements for you and the children. Can you move in with parents and apply for your own property as the one you are currently in is in his name so I'm not sure you can force him to leave.

I wish I could. My mum is a narcissist and rents her house to my sister. She then randomly decided to move in with my sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:07

Oceans12 · 15/10/2022 10:58

@Pinkbonbon Forewqrning - if you threaten to kill yourself again, I'll call you an ambulance. And they can either treat you or FINE you for being a manipulative twat who is wasting their time. I'll let them decide which one it is. Now, seen as you don't contribute to this home, you have to leave it. So start flat hunting. No ifs or buts. We are over and it's time for you to go'

^^ That should sort it out nicely

(Nice one Pink !)

Agreed this is good. Thank you!

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 15/10/2022 11:08

You can’t force him to move out-his name is on the tenancy. I think your quickest scenario is going to be prioritising getting a job and saving up to move out yourself.

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:10

Dery · 15/10/2022 11:03

“Can you sit down and have a grown up conversation about you splitting up and the financial situation. You must know he has a right to a roof over his head just as you have and you can't just demand expenditure randomly, it needs to be agreed and budgeted for.”

This.

I've tried this, many times. He shuts down and doesn't say a word. He will only talk on messenger and when I try to sort things out amicably, he threatens to kill himself. I pay for absolutely everything on a measly budget. He pays for one bill which is £82 a month. Where is the rest of his money?! I don't think it is unfair of me to ask him to get 2 mattress new or second hand when he's known they were needed for months.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:13

howshouldibehave · 15/10/2022 11:08

You can’t force him to move out-his name is on the tenancy. I think your quickest scenario is going to be prioritising getting a job and saving up to move out yourself.

I've tried this, I have had two breakdowns because of the situation and am now recovering. I am desperate to get a job and provide but it's VERY difficult as needs to be within walking distance and in school time. I now need to get mentally strong again.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 15/10/2022 11:15

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:06

There's a lot of messages. Im doing my best to answer them all. We cannot apply for divorce unless we have split finances for 2 years and csn prove it or live separately. So no divorce process can start yet.

Show quote history

None of that sounds right? You must be able to apply for divorce? You clearly need to split your finances and stop talking about doing it but you can't just tell him he has to move out when his name is on the tenancy. Let him tell you he will kill himself. He hasn't done it yet in spite of all the threats. You wont be able to move forward unless you stop letting him emotionally blackmail you. If he does kill himself it won't be because of you. We are responsible for our own lives. Other people can't 'make' us kill ourselves, we do it ourselves. Tell Universal Credit you are separated then you can start the process of separate incomes.

GrumpyPanda · 15/10/2022 11:16

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:06

There's a lot of messages. Im doing my best to answer them all. We cannot apply for divorce unless we have split finances for 2 years and csn prove it or live separately. So no divorce process can start yet.

Show quote history

So start splitting the finances at least from your side. From what you're saying he contributes nothing but you still buy food for him/possibly cook for him? I'd be stopping that for starters, let him sort himself out. Lockable fridge or cupboards if necessary.

Agree on calling police or emergency services anytime he tries to manipulate you with suicide threats.

Original poster
ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:17

howshouldibehave · 15/10/2022 11:08

You can’t force him to move out-his name is on the tenancy. I think your quickest scenario is going to be prioritising getting a job and saving up to move out yourself.

I actually can force him out via a women's charity as he manipulates me with death threats, na dis incredibly miserable however, I wouldn't do that. Almost 2 years on and I'm trying to do it in the best way for me, him and our children. I want to stay friends with him but he's making it impossible. He's not doing anything to move on with his life. He's overly aggressive towards our kids at times. I've had enough. We need to move on ASAP.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 15/10/2022 11:19

I really think you need to look into divorce properly because what you are saying just doesn't sound right?

WhatInFreshHell · 15/10/2022 11:23

Of course you can get divorced! Who told you that you couldn't?!

Snoken · 15/10/2022 11:24

You need to change your mindset about this. You can’t change him, so you need to change your own circumstances. You need to get a job, even if it isn’t school hours and walking distance, and then move out with your kids and rent privately. Use breakfast club, after school clubs, childminders etc if your ex won’t collect the children from school. Push for 50/50, he can change is work. Buy a bicycle or bus pass to get around.

You chose to have three kids, so you and you ex both need to work extra hard and make sacrifices in order to bring them up. Don’t fall into the trap of doing all the childcare and living on a shoestring. He needs to do half.

LuckyLil · 15/10/2022 11:24

ChristmasSnowCookie · 15/10/2022 11:17

I actually can force him out via a women's charity as he manipulates me with death threats, na dis incredibly miserable however, I wouldn't do that. Almost 2 years on and I'm trying to do it in the best way for me, him and our children. I want to stay friends with him but he's making it impossible. He's not doing anything to move on with his life. He's overly aggressive towards our kids at times. I've had enough. We need to move on ASAP.

Show quote history

That's a bit of a drip feed. So basically you already know you can force him out but are choosing not to because you want to do things amicably even though you know he won't be amicable? In which case it sounds more like you are choosing to stay stuck in a situation you could put a stop to any time you wanted through a woman's charity because he manipulates you with death threats. So you are choosing to stay with so done who abuses your kids and manipulates you, even though you know because you've already found out that a woman's charity can help you for e him out? I'm sorry but now you e revealed that I just don't think you really want him out, or at least don't know quite what it is you want. I'm which case no advice will be any use because you are already choosing not to act on advice you've already had elsewhere.