Best way to tell my husband to move out...I've had enough of him

[ChristmasSnowCookie]

We split up december 2020 and I am desperate to move on. I had to force him to get a job and since then, our benefits are based off of what he earns. He now gets more than me. This month he earnt more than usual and my payment was only just over 500. I have asked him to get our boys hair cuts and to buy them new mattresses. He said he can't afford new mattresses. I asked him what he spends his money on because we barely see any of it and he seems really annoyed. The only time he gives me any money is when I ask for money for food when I've run out and he doesn't always seem happy to give me this.

I've paid for all 3 of our children's birthdays recently and now will be paying for Christmas. I am going shopping today and buying my eldest clothes and toiletries he needs for his school trip as he's away for 2 nights, and our middle child some new jeans as he has grown out of all his others.

We got the government grant and recieved £324 and I was supposed to use this to make our home better but due to my ex still living here and not giving me much money I've had to use that on what my children need. We get the next bit next month which is £326 and then I'm splitting finances and telling him he has to move out.

He seems so mad at me whenever I ask him to provide for his children or suggest one of us moving out. He has threatened to kill himself multiple times and all this is taking a toll on my mental health. I feel awful as he has no one but at the same time, it needs to be done.

What's the best way to go about this. I've really tried to end this in the best way so we are still friends, but I'm really starting to hate this man as he is still here almost 2 years on. He's nothing like the man I married, I don't even know who he is anymore and I just want to live my life and be happy.

I've been trying to move out with the children, but it's impossible on my budget. I haven't just demanded he moves out. I'm the only one trying to find the best solution for us BOTH, so we are able to stay friends.

I think many of you are all failing to grasp the effect his behaviour has on me and my children. He does nothing arpund the house, he is miserable and aggressive at times. He manipulates me with killing himself when I try to leave. He gets paid more than me, and pays one bill at £82 a month. Where is the rest of the money going?!

I am now beyond desperate to live happily and get my life back but have nowhere to turn to. I have nothing but do the very best for my kids. They never go without and that's all on me. It's frustrating knowing he gets more money than me, and my children aren't seeing any of that.

Understand my pain and my frustration. I even worry about him and am trying to do the best for him but it's caused a breakdown twice now. I just want to grt mentally strong for myself and children and to live happily again.

So force him out. Nothing will change until he is forced to leave. You will feel better mentally once he has left the house, thus enabling you to get paid work.

Genuine question - why do you want to be friends with this man who emotionally blackmails you and you have just said is aggressive to your kids? He is abusing you all.

I'm out of this one. This isn't what it's being made out to be. Good luck.

I am telling UC weve split once the second payment for the cost of living grant comes through.

I spoke to a solicitor when we first split and was told that we can't legally apply for a divorce until

1. We live separately or

2. We live in the same house and can prove our finances have been split for 2 years.

Is this not the case?

When my exDH and I separated (he wanted a reconciliation after his affairs 🙄), he would ring me in the early hours telling me he was deciding which light pendant to hang himself from. 5 years on he's on holiday in Spain with his girlfriend so yeah take those threats with a massive pinch of salt.

Start pushing forward with the formal separation even if you are still living together. Nothing will change unless you do all the hard work, but it will be worth it.

You can divorce while living together. And you don’t need a solicitor, you can download forms and guidance online. There’s a fee, but it’ll be very affordable with your next grant payment. If he contests it, he’s liable for the fee anyway.

big hugs OP.

He’ll never go willingly. Get help from the womens charity. Don’t give up your secure council housing.

you’ve tried to play nice but he’s refusing so now do what you have to do via any help you can get.

He is emotionally and financially abusing you. The threats of suicide are ridiculous.
so what he’s saying is that you can never leave him or he’ll kill himself. Wtf?
If he cared about you that much he’d die then he’d be doing everything in his power to keep you happy. So he’d be paying for his kids and helping you around the house.

he wants you as his lifelong servant and bank machine.

id be livid if I were you! Get him out. If he did the terrible action and actually killed himself then it wouldn’t be your fault.

the alternate would be that you sacrificed your own life to serve someone else who treats you with contempt.

hes awful. Pull out all the stops to get him out.

Im not in love with him, but I still care about him and don't want him on the streets. My kids absolutely adore him so for them, I'm trying to do this in the best way possible. The person he is now, is world's away from the man I married. I do believe he is very depressed because of issues with his parents and I would love to see him get back to his old happy self and meet someone new. Just because our relationship failed and he's been an absolute arse at times, he isn't a bad man just in a dark place himself. I've waited almost 2 years and tried every single thing for us to move on in the best way and right now I'm frustrated an angry because its me suffering with the consequences. I'm at the point where he really needs to be pushed to make a change. I know deep down that he will get back to man he was, but I want to move on.

Heading out now. Thank you to those who understand where I'm coming from. I have tried everything I can, but now it seems I need to be a bit forceful as my mental health is suffering. I just want to make a good life for me and my children and I can't do that when I'm constantly breaking down.

Somethings got to give. I will try to respond to comments comments I get back.

You don't have to wait 2 years to divorce.

You have never had to live separately or have separate finances for divorce. However, if you hadn’t been separated/separate finances for 2 years you would have say the marriage was irrecoverably broken down using one of a few reasons, which essentially blames the other person. Which out people off and most people waited for 2 years.

However, the no fault divorces mean you don’t have to blame the other anymore.

I get that divorce is expensive and it’s hard to save. But the house os as much his home as it is yours and you can’t force him to leave. That’s why I suggested divorce.

I think the 'wanting to stay friends with him' actually means wanting him to not behave any worse towards you right? Like,he treats you like zhit now and you are worried how bad it would be if you stopped trying to act like someone who likes him.

But op, he is not your friend. He's probably the same thing your mum is tbh. They don't have friends...just people they hope to be able to exploit in some capacity or other.

And being nice to them...compromising ect...they take that as weakness. And - they exploit weakness.

So STOP trying to be his friend. Get tough. Yes, he may retaliate but...at least yoi can be true to yourself and stop kissing the ass off a monster. You can be free to dislike a man who is, thoroughly dislikeable. Who is even aggressive to your kids.

Seriously, fuck him. Fuck trying to be his friend. Be YOUR friend. Stop pandering to wankers. Stop telling yourself to be nice to them in the jope thry will return the favor. That's not going to happen.

Get mad, get tough. Stop trying to be his friend.

Firstly, you need to focus on getting a job.

He can pick them up after school so you don’t need to get a school hours job.

You are going to have to start working when he moves out anyway or if you claim as a single parent, so it’s best to start now.

Secondly, you need to give him a date to move out by.

He needs to contact the council and say he is being kicked out because you’ve separated.

If he threatens suicide then give him the number of a suicidal helpline and tell him you will ring the police and ambulance if he does not get the help.

This situation sounds awful but you are making a lot of excuses and you need to be much more firm and start taking control of the situation.

If you are to be a single mum, you maybe cannot afford the luxury of a job that is walking distance and in school time. You need to help yourself more, stop talking to him about it as that isn’t working, you need to get back to work and talk to a solicitor. I don’t understand your reasoning for not starting the divorce process, what about unreasonable behaviour, the examples do not need to be anything extreme.

You cannot be friends with someone who manipulates you with suicide threats. Best scenario is a good coparent, but given the threats it's unlikely.

He doesn't need to agree. You don't need his permission.

He can pick them up after school so you don’t need to get a school hours job.

OP says he works.

I agree with pp though, getting a job within walking distance and school hours only will be massively restrictive in what you can apply for. Best to give yourself
more options and go for something better paid and use childcare. I think working asap is your way out here. Did you say how old the kids were?

There's a legal process for getting him removed from the tenancy/getting him out. Speak to your landlord about it, they can probably advise.

'Shitty council property' 🤔 at least you got one. I've never come close! You could be in a 'shitty private property' with double the rent and then some!

I’m assuming you’re in Scotland with the needing to separate for 2 years before divorcing?

You’ve tried to stay friends, you’ve tried to do it amicably at great cost to your own health and well-being. I think you may need to accept he’s not going to be amicable and take that pressure off yourself. He’s being emotionally abusive with the suicide threats - if he does do it, it’s not your responsibility.

You have a couple of options. The first is to sit him down and ask how he sees things progressing given you don’t want to be in a relationship with him. The second is to find somewhere for him to live - if you found a flat for him to live in, maybe more possible given he has more money, would he just go? The third is to seek advice from domestic abuse charities, speak to your council and explain you’re fleeing an abusive relationship and ask for their help in finding somewhere to live or removing him from the tenancy.

Any of those will cause a reaction from him, but that’s going to happen anyway - do you maintain a relationship with him at all costs or prioritise your and your children’s health and well-being?

Hes abusive - many abuser use emotional manipulation and threats of suicide to get what they want. Next time he threatens suicide you should try

• contacting police to advise he has threatened suicide
• give him the number of the Samaritans
• tell him to crack on and you will go and buy the rope/tablets etc as it will solve the issue of his moving out.
• ask him to update his will and start talking about life insurance

I very much doubt he is genuinely suicidal but a chat from the police along the lines of - whats wrong mate? , - my ex insists I support our children and pay my way - wont garner any sympathy, also showing him you are growing immune to his manipulation will be a wake up call for him. And if he is then the police will be able to signpost him to some support. There are plenty of stories in here of men who have done the same and are still alive and well many years later.

Go and claim as a single person - tell them the relationship has broken down he wont move out and you cant move out due to him not contributing to supporting his children.

Go and claim CMS and nake sure youre getting the child benefit and whatever else you can claim for.

Don't know why people are saying you cant just kick him out - he contributes nothing!
You need to stop feeling sorry for him and pack his things, he gets paid £900 and won't have the TV bill once he is out so its not like he will have to sleep on the street.

Please don’t move out. Council properties are few and far between and if you end up on a low income it will be much more affordable moving forward. Somehow, he needs to go. He’s being a manipulative twat. Get some advice from womens aid, cab and your housing officer. Apply for universal credit as a single person. There’s no reason why he can’t do a house share/rent a room as it doesn’t sound as though he’s great with the kids. Good luck! x

People are saying that because that is the legal truth of it. Nothing to do with feeling sorry for him.

Because you can’t. It’s still ‘the family home’ they both have equal rights to be there. Nothing to do with who pays what

Because his name is on the tenancy, so she can’t!