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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands got really bad anger

58 replies

Beastlybeautiful · 14/10/2022 23:12

My husbands an amazing amazing man but when he gets angry it's like he's a completely different person. He starts swearing breaking things shouting and screaming After he gets really pissed at himself and hates himself for being like that. He also gives suicide threats everytime we have arguments where he's really angry. It's sad because he's so amazing, loving caring, helps every night even after 12 hour shifts with cooking cleaning and taking care of my baby. Says he loves me everything an ideal husband does but I feel as though his anger ruins all of his good deeds

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 14/10/2022 23:35

Has he sought any help for his anger? Any counselling? If he was really concerned he would be doing everything he could to change. This is not a good situation for you. Are there children in the house as him throwing and smashing stuff would be so scary for them. He needs to see his GP ..get medical advice and unless he does this this week he would need to be shown the door even if he is good at other times. This is not a safe environment to be in and l am sure you have lost a lot of respect for him bring like that.
And the whole suicide thing is just to shut you up and with all due respects l would not let it control me. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

Dotcheck · 14/10/2022 23:37

Uncontrolled fits of anger + manipulative threats of suicide does NOT = amazing

Namenic · 14/10/2022 23:58

It sounds like he needs counselling and strategies to deal with his anger. A grown adult should not have uncontrollable anger. This is dangerous. As a priority, he should be seeking out help and working on it

Afterfire · 15/10/2022 00:25

He’s not amazing. He’s an arsehole. No one should have to live with someone like this.

DramaAlpaca · 15/10/2022 00:37

A man like that is NOT amazing. Do you not realise he could and almost certainly will direct his anger on you, or god forbid the child, at some point? The suicide threats too - that is a very controlling individual.

I couldn't live with a man like that.

EVHead · 15/10/2022 00:39

What a horrible environment for your child to grow up in. I’d be making plans to leave.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 15/10/2022 00:48

It’s not a great way to live though, is it?
You don’t know when he’ll explode, or over what, so you begin to tread on eggshells around him, scared to say anything. Over time that becomes more and more. Your child grows and learns to do the same.
His anger will become more unpredictable and you or your child could be injured, or worse.
As pp have said, his suicide threats are to manipulate you into being meek, not challenging him and you’re less likely to tell family or friends.
Open up to someone in real life, your GP, your health visitor. If your husband won’t seek help then I think you must.

CallieQ · 15/10/2022 00:53

He should see a counsellor and get help with anger management

Fraaahnces · 15/10/2022 00:55

Someone like that shouldn’t be trusted around kids - especially toddlers (who can’t help but push boundaries.) Get out while you can.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 00:58

Yeah so he's not amazing then, not even close

Doing a bit of housework and parenting doesn't suddenly make a man a saint when they shout, swear and emotionally manipulate their partner

Delilahonabike · 15/10/2022 01:03

It's the cup of coffee analogy really isn't it, you wouldn't drink it if it was 5% shit. What you're describing is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and the only way to break it is to leave. Your baby shouldn't be around that level of anger anyway, no amount of 'nice' behaviour makes up for that.

UserLoserInTheBoozer · 15/10/2022 01:14

Is it his baby? Did he behave like this before you got pregnant or is it a recent thing?

NickEccles · 15/10/2022 01:17

This can & will lead to worse! Treading carefully is not healthy....

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 03:43

A threat of suicide should always be taken seriously.. His anger could be depression. I would be encouraging him to see his GP. I have threatened suicide this year. I am fortunate enough to have been listened to. Now got a CPN visiting, someone from Health Improvement trying to help me get reintegrated socially and am in the list for mental health occupational therapy intervention. I hope there us good support for you as a family.

Cleotolstoy · 15/10/2022 04:00

He doesn't need anger management, I bet he doesn't do this anywhere else. He's abusive. How much crap would need to be in a glass of water before you wouldn't want to drink it? These issues only escalate, they never go away.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2022 04:23

This is not an anger problem.

It's an abuse problem, possibly caused by BPD (tantrums, suicide threats after arguments, love-hate relatiinships with you and with himself, fear of abandonment along with behaviour that is completely alienating) but could be just common or garden doing what works for him to make sure arguments are kept to a minimum and he gets his own way.

You have to wrap your head around the idea that your relationship isn't written in the stars and has probably passed its Best By date.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2022 04:28

If he were an amazing man he wouldn't be sitting around moaning that he hated himself for his behaviour.

He would actually do something about it.

His behaviour is working for him. Or at least it's having no bad consequences.

What happens when you say you want the raging, throwing things, etc to stop?

UserError012345 · 15/10/2022 04:51

OP you'll be saying next that it's your fault, cos you make him angry.

lemoncurdling · 15/10/2022 05:55

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 03:43

A threat of suicide should always be taken seriously.. His anger could be depression. I would be encouraging him to see his GP. I have threatened suicide this year. I am fortunate enough to have been listened to. Now got a CPN visiting, someone from Health Improvement trying to help me get reintegrated socially and am in the list for mental health occupational therapy intervention. I hope there us good support for you as a family.

Sorry to hear you felt suicidal but you need to stop posting this on threads about abusive men.

Threats of suicide by violent, abusive, manipulative men (and yes OP, what you describe IS violent) are abusive and manipulative. You’re not helping the OP.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 15/10/2022 05:57

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. I refuse to be screamed and sworn at in my own home.

MarcoH231 · 15/10/2022 06:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Redruby2020 · 15/10/2022 06:02

So he's not an 'amazing amazing man' and when you said 'my baby' is the baby not his then?

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 06:34

Please don't tell me what I should and shouldn't post on a public advice forum. I am very aware of issues of abuse/domestic violence etc but people's issues can be complex and ought not to be blanketed together - as in oh here is another arsehole as is common on this forum. I am not the only person to have alluded to the need to seek a medical opinion here as it has been suggested that here could be a case of BPD. The possibility of mental illness cannot and should not be discounted (and preferably before mumsnetters try to split up another family unit) Urgent medical evaluation needs to take place! And by the way I say that as a former Mental Health Officer (In England an Approved Social Worker).

youtwoandme · 15/10/2022 06:43

That man is NOT "amazing" he is abusive and controlling. I'd be protecting my children at all costs and leaving him!

Justleaveitblankthen · 15/10/2022 07:16

So he looses his temper at work with his colleagues and employer? Out in public at the cinema/restaurant or supermarket? Gets out of his car in a traffic jam and abuses other driver's? Kicks off at the delivery driver's? neighbours? 🤔
Thought not.
You are his Personally chosen 'punching bag' and the 'distress' he displays afterwards are his insurance that you will continue to be so.
He knows that you would leave if not. It's all an act.
His children are next.
Get rid.