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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands got really bad anger

58 replies

Beastlybeautiful · 14/10/2022 23:12

My husbands an amazing amazing man but when he gets angry it's like he's a completely different person. He starts swearing breaking things shouting and screaming After he gets really pissed at himself and hates himself for being like that. He also gives suicide threats everytime we have arguments where he's really angry. It's sad because he's so amazing, loving caring, helps every night even after 12 hour shifts with cooking cleaning and taking care of my baby. Says he loves me everything an ideal husband does but I feel as though his anger ruins all of his good deeds

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 07:35

What everyone else said, OP. He is abusing you and your DC.

Cleotolstoy · 15/10/2022 08:31

Thistlelass it's not the immediate issue. Regardless of what causes it the first thing that needs dealing with is that you are being abused by them. She is not here to be his therapist. This is not an isolated incident

Idyllicidealist · 15/10/2022 08:36

One definition of amazing OP is shocking.
Is that what you’re going for because wonderful human is not what you’re describing here?

Notimetothink · 15/10/2022 08:44

He’s not amazing and you deserve so much more than this!

TightDiamondShoes · 15/10/2022 08:45

Does this “wonderful man” lose his shit, shout, break things and threaten suicide during his 12 hour shift? Or does he save that for home?

he’s abusing you and it’s ok for you to leave. In time you’ll realise that “wonderful” is not the word you use to describe cooking dinner when they get home from work - bet you managed it fine for years before you met him - and you didn’t expect a fucking medal when you sat down to watch Corrie with your pasta on your lap!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 08:53

Why did you describe him as amazing?. You are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man and you do not need to act as one.

Breaking items too falls under domestic violence, infact this is what you are describing. I presume this further ramped up when you became pregnant and or gave birth.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. He is abusive and is not above threatening suicide to get you to come to heel either. He does this because he can and he targeted you also to become his own emotional punchbag. He does not do this at work or threatens his own self committing suicide to his work colleagues; he's very meek and mild there.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 09:00

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 06:34

Please don't tell me what I should and shouldn't post on a public advice forum. I am very aware of issues of abuse/domestic violence etc but people's issues can be complex and ought not to be blanketed together - as in oh here is another arsehole as is common on this forum. I am not the only person to have alluded to the need to seek a medical opinion here as it has been suggested that here could be a case of BPD. The possibility of mental illness cannot and should not be discounted (and preferably before mumsnetters try to split up another family unit) Urgent medical evaluation needs to take place! And by the way I say that as a former Mental Health Officer (In England an Approved Social Worker).

I'm sorry to be clear as an appeoved social worker you are advocating for a small child to be kept in the same environment as a clearly aggressive abusive man? Wow, because sure the needs of the man should be prioritised over the safety of the woman and child 🙄

Afterfire · 15/10/2022 09:08

My dh has bipolar and BPD. He doesn’t behave like this. It’s not an excuse. If he ever behaved this way he would be out on his ear. Regardless of mental health difficulties you can’t stay with someone who is unsafe to be around.

CaptainMum · 15/10/2022 09:14

He sounds awful and volatile. Are you not constantly wondering if he'll tantrum? It's a terrible environment for children to grow up and puts them at risk of perpetuating/being a victim in a cycle of abuse.

InFiveMins · 15/10/2022 09:16

He sounds vile. Your poor, poor baby. Do the right thing and leave the abusive fucker.

FlowerArranger · 15/10/2022 09:25

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monsteramunch · 15/10/2022 10:38

@Thistlelass

The possibility of mental illness cannot and should not be discounted (and preferably before mumsnetters try to split up another family unit)

You're a social worker and you think that OP should investigate mental health issues for her partner before splitting up, thus exposing her baby to the below for longer?

when he gets angry it's like he's a completely different person. He starts swearing breaking things shouting and screaming

A parent's mental health cannot and should not (to use your phrasing) be prioritised over the immediate safety and wellbeing of a baby. Especially considering that baby has another parent currently capable and willing to care for them.

A parent who breaks things, shouts, swears and 'changes into a completely different person' when angry should never ever be looking after a baby. One second of a lost temper can equal a shaken baby.

Your advice is dangerous and I'm appalled a social worker would tell a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, with her baby, for the sake of the abusive party's mental health.

elephantseal · 15/10/2022 10:56

He's not amazing. He's an abusive arse. If he really cared about you he'd do something about this to change things so he's not terrifying you and the dc whenever he wants to.

You deserve better.

jeaux90 · 15/10/2022 11:07

You know the angry and abusive side of him? That's what he really is.

The nice side is to reel you back in, to keep you in line.

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 20:46

Monsteramunch - I have been retired 9 years. I am simply suggesting this person checks in with a GP re his issues. I have not commented on whether or not he should be caretaking the child. I see it as in the toddler's best interests that the Dad resolves his problems in the longer term. I am not going to respond to any more attacks on this. Hopefully the couple will be able to come up with a plan for their lives moving forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 20:49

As if such a man would go to his GP in the first place. Why would he go there?.

He does this to the OP because he can and he feels absolutely entitled to do so to boot.

monsteramunch · 15/10/2022 20:53

I have not commented on whether or not he should be caretaking the child.

Someone described as "when he gets angry it's like he's a completely different person. He starts swearing breaking things shouting and screaming" should not be in sole charge of a baby.

I see it as in the toddler's best interests that the Dad resolves his problems in the longer term.

Yes, absolutely. That doesn't mean that the child's dad needs to be in a relationship with the mum anymore or live under the same roof while he is resolving his problems.

You said OP should try to address his mental health issues "before mumsnetters try to split up another family unit" which is frankly awful, as they are advising a woman with a baby that a man who screams, shouts and breaks things in anger isn't a safe partner.

Baffled that you would describe a woman leaving a partner who screams, shouts and breaks things in anger as 'splitting up another family unit' rather than simply putting her child's welfare first.

I hope no social worker in practice would actually say that to a woman living with a man who behaves that way. Especially with a child involved.

Original poster
Beastlybeautiful · 16/10/2022 02:23

I appreciate everyone's advice, I guess no one would really understand unless they where in my situation. I've been part of an abusive household so I know how it is and definitely know when to leave. The thing is, he's been like this with his mother sisters and myself and he's been like that from childhood. At the age of 10 he used to hurt himself or break things when angry which is quite odd considering his father was a very calm amazing man. My husband and please believe me when I say this is truly a good man, he's fought many battles for me including standing up for me against my toxic in laws, I went through many many miscarriages and he was always by my side and a wonderful companion. The thing is, he's very dramatic the smaller situation and he gives suicide threats and it's come to a point where I told him go for it and he literally came running back because I knew he wouldn't do it. There's been instances when I've simply refused to talk to him unless he calms down or sometimes when he really tries to control his anger but the next argument he'll start again or if he sees I've started crying he'll calm down and speak calmly. I just wish there was advice rather than the part about leaving him. Trust me when I say this, I know my limits in a relationship and know when to get out of one.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/10/2022 06:45

It's not just about you though, OP. You can put up with his behaviour if you choose to. But you have a child who is being harmed by this. You need to start thinking about your DC.

monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 08:14

beastlyslumber · 16/10/2022 06:45

It's not just about you though, OP. You can put up with his behaviour if you choose to. But you have a child who is being harmed by this. You need to start thinking about your DC.

This.

You are teaching your daughter that if a partner is nice sometimes, you should stay with them even if they are abusive / frightening at other times.

You're also teaching her that it's normal for men to have explosive tempers, shout, break things etc. It's not.

Children who grow up in this environment become anxious and hyper vigilant. They learn to walk on eggshells, to modify their behaviour to placate people who are abusive.

You're teaching her such dangerous lessons.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2022 08:48

Its not just you though who is being affected now; its the kids too.

Your boundaries, already mashed by previous abuse, are being further eroded to floor level as they are now. You have become inured to his abuses of you.

You are indeed teaching your DC damaging lessons about relationships and like you now, they will further learn how to be codependent and hypervigilent. It's no legacy to leave them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2022 08:51

"Trust me when I say this, I know my limits in a relationship and know when to get out of one.

Where is your red line in the sand or actual limit if not what has been described?.

He may well have stood up for you against your horrible inlaws but as he's always been nasty to his sister and mother, that was just a mere continuation of how he has always been.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
What are your own children going to remember primarily about their childhoods?.

Naunet · 16/10/2022 09:35

Beastlybeautiful · 16/10/2022 02:23

I appreciate everyone's advice, I guess no one would really understand unless they where in my situation. I've been part of an abusive household so I know how it is and definitely know when to leave. The thing is, he's been like this with his mother sisters and myself and he's been like that from childhood. At the age of 10 he used to hurt himself or break things when angry which is quite odd considering his father was a very calm amazing man. My husband and please believe me when I say this is truly a good man, he's fought many battles for me including standing up for me against my toxic in laws, I went through many many miscarriages and he was always by my side and a wonderful companion. The thing is, he's very dramatic the smaller situation and he gives suicide threats and it's come to a point where I told him go for it and he literally came running back because I knew he wouldn't do it. There's been instances when I've simply refused to talk to him unless he calms down or sometimes when he really tries to control his anger but the next argument he'll start again or if he sees I've started crying he'll calm down and speak calmly. I just wish there was advice rather than the part about leaving him. Trust me when I say this, I know my limits in a relationship and know when to get out of one.

His mother, sister and you? So just women then?

Twiglets1 · 16/10/2022 09:41

Why did you post on here? Your husband has anger issues Yes, we all agree, but now you defend him at the same time as highlighting his issues.
If he is serious about wanting to change he will agree to counselling. Oh and actually go to lots of sessions not just one or two.

Raindropsandslatetiles · 16/10/2022 09:48

. I just wish there was advice rather than the part about leaving him

People aren't going to advice you to stay and keep your children in an abusive situation

Truly good men don't get aggressive, shout at women and emotionally manipulate them by threatening suicide.