Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked not sure if I’m over reacting

73 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 14/10/2022 22:35

My Dh of over 25 years is the kindest man he’s supported me so much especially over the last few years I have been very unwell mental health numerous stays inpatient and stood by me through a awful court case related to it.
Im much better these days although I still struggle daily but he’s not under as much pressure as he has been in the past.
last night be returned from work and took DD to her activity they didn’t get back till gone 8pm we had dinner they both had to shower whilst Dh was in the bathroom DD asked for the password for the family pc as she needed to print something for school today what ensued was a huge shouting match ended up with DD in tears.
I didn’t get involved I support DH with any behaviour issues not that we have many. Dd cried for a while in the bath she’s just turned a teen thought it was just tiredness/hormones/stropiness and he said he wouldn’t take her to the activity she loves again.
she came down like every night at 10pm to give hugs and say goodnight she blanked Dh and just said goodnight to me but just in a normal way.
all was fine this morning they were bantering and she gave him a hug before going to school but tonight in conversation she said he “grabbed her” and she was scared he’s never been physical with any of our DC she has bruises on the tops of her shoulders.
shocked I asked him and he said she wasn’t listening and being “hysterical”.
sorry for long post but I’m in shock I was abused badly for most of my childhood hence my MH and the court case so I don’t know if I’m overreacting I haven’t spoken to him since she’s been fine with him but I can’t look at him

OP posts:
YoSofi · 14/10/2022 22:47

He needs to leave, at least while you decide what to do next.

Hes grabbed your daughter hard enough to leave bruising, that’s not ok. If she mentions this at school or to a friend social services are likely to be notified. It’s worrying that he does not even seem remorseful.

Catlover1970 · 14/10/2022 22:57

I think I’d speak to her againAnd see now
she feels. She needs at least an apology from him

Tothepoint99 · 14/10/2022 23:07

YoSofi · 14/10/2022 22:47

He needs to leave, at least while you decide what to do next.

Hes grabbed your daughter hard enough to leave bruising, that’s not ok. If she mentions this at school or to a friend social services are likely to be notified. It’s worrying that he does not even seem remorseful.

Huh!? Leave??

Motnight · 14/10/2022 23:08

Tothepoint99 · 14/10/2022 23:07

Huh!? Leave??

Show quote history

Yes, leave. He assaulted and scared his dd.

YoSofi · 14/10/2022 23:10

Yes, while the OP gathers her thoughts and decides what to do next.

Its hardly going to be resolved while he’s still in the house and doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

Would you want someone around that shouted at your child and left them in tears because they wanted to use the printer? Or told your child they wouldn’t take them to their favourite hobby again? Or grabbed them hard enough to leave bruising, all within 24 hours?

Everyone needs a breather and to work out what happened next but like I said, I’d be very concerned that he’s not even sorry.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 14/10/2022 23:18

He knows exactly how I feel and he is sorry and I agree he needs to apologise to her and have told him so, it’s totally out of character we have to older DS 21 and 18 and he’s shouted at them but never touched them physically what makes it worse to me is that she’s tiny and she’s our “baby” we lost a DD before her if anything she’s babied by us all.
I dont know if I want him any where near us but then when I weigh it up it’s so out of character and with her just being a bit “gobby” it’s extreme. She came down tonight and we both got the cuddles and she laid on sofa between us for a bit that’s very usual I did have a quiet word with her to say she can always tell me and asked why she didn’t tell me last night she said she didn’t know why.
like I said this is so out of character I have been married a long time

OP posts:
pinkycatmum · 14/10/2022 23:18

I don't think you're overreacting at all. And I think your priority should be to make sure DD is okay. He obviously has grabbed her hard enough for her to bruise and she has expressed that it has scared her. Speak to her now and see how she feels about it.

Opentooffers · 14/10/2022 23:22

I think you need to find out more about it really. Ask DD what fired it off and what ocured. Then separately, ask DH what happened - see if stories tally ( probably not, but you'll get an idea) the truth lies in the middle somewhere usually.
If she was 'hysterical', why was she, get her pov. You can't blindly support your DH just because he's stuck by you, you need to get the details.

CornishGem1975 · 14/10/2022 23:24

I don't think you're overacting at all. If my DH grabbed my DD hard enough to leave bruises, I'd throw him out on his ear.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 14/10/2022 23:26

Opentooffers · 14/10/2022 23:22

I think you need to find out more about it really. Ask DD what fired it off and what ocured. Then separately, ask DH what happened - see if stories tally ( probably not, but you'll get an idea) the truth lies in the middle somewhere usually.
If she was 'hysterical', why was she, get her pov. You can't blindly support your DH just because he's stuck by you, you need to get the details.

I’m certainly not blindly standing by DH If anything the opposite I basically heard what was said she asked for the password slhe said wait till I get out she got a bit arsy it was late and she needed it for today then he said he’s not going take her to her beloved hobby that is her life basically then she was sobbing the grabbing must of happened at the later point in the row.
i know it’s bang out of order and he knows I feel that and she does too they seem to be fine now but I just can’t get my head around it and am totally not happy or minimising it I’m disgusted

OP posts:
Mariposista · 14/10/2022 23:34

Why on Earth did he kick off at her for wanting to print off her homework? Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do? Would he prefer her not to hand it in? Poor kid.

Blowthemandown · 14/10/2022 23:36

@Bagpuss2022 have you seen the bruising? This may be something or nothing. Important to be sure.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 14/10/2022 23:42

Blowthemandown · 14/10/2022 23:36

@Bagpuss2022 have you seen the bruising? This may be something or nothing. Important to be sure.

I have and it’s either from the protection equipment she wears from the sport (never happened In 7 years) or from him grabbing her. The more I think about it the more I think he just lost it worked all day they are striking one day a week for all this month so extra work and then taking her straight away so basically been from the house from 6.30am till 8pm definitely no excuse but I can’t think of anything else.
she was going on one and moaning for password the worse thing is I could of printed the damn thing from my phone.
it feels like a huge shift and I won’t let it go but I want to be guided by her but I’m the adult and will make the right decision,
no one stood up for me I was abused in the violest way for much of my childhood and I will not let that happen for my DC

OP posts:
CatHatSat · 14/10/2022 23:58

I am sorry, I can tell you are a bit shocked and dazed, but I think you need to hear this.

You are teaching your DD to sweep this under the rug.

You are the adult, you must model an appropriate response to someone she trusts hurting her.

Repeat this scenario again where DD is an adult and it is her parter grabbing her. You are teaching her how to respond.

CatHatSat · 15/10/2022 00:01

We all have our limits and maybe DH reached his. In which case, he needs to leave at least for a few days.

  1. to show your DD how to respond to these situations.

  2. for your DH to find help so he doesn’t reach breaking point again.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 15/10/2022 00:20

@CatHatSat I think your right we need some space and time. DH has gone to bed but will speak to him tomorrow m, people make mistakes and he genuinely is a great guy but this isn’t a line in ever thought I would have to navigate DD is my priority and even though she seems all fine tonight think I need a gentle talk and do what no one did for me not that he’s anything like that monster.
im devastated

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 15/10/2022 00:26

He has hugely damaged his daughter’s trust, and that is a very vulnerable state to put her in. She needs an adult advocate to defend her, and that is you. If you don’t speak up, she will think you are not a trusted ally. He needs to be spoken to, with clear lines laid down; he should apologise, and he needs to repair the relationship with time and tenderness. If he is not agreeable to this, he needs to be in a space away from the family.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 15/10/2022 01:33

Why was he so against her opening up the PC? Not difficult to just say the password. As well as the injury to your dd I’d want to know why he kicked off. Something on pc he didn’t want seen? There’s something not right here.

Fcuk38 · 15/10/2022 01:39

Um never physical with your two sons but is to the daughter of the family. 😼😼

user1468105798 · 15/10/2022 01:47

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 15/10/2022 01:33

Why was he so against her opening up the PC? Not difficult to just say the password. As well as the injury to your dd I’d want to know why he kicked off. Something on pc he didn’t want seen? There’s something not right here.

Exactly my line of thinking

wxwx · 15/10/2022 02:10

Fcuk38 · 15/10/2022 01:39

Um never physical with your two sons but is to the daughter of the family. 😼😼

Just what I was thinking.
Misogynistic.
If DD was 'hysterical' wouldn't a sensible reaction be to try to calm her, not grab her?
You're right to take this seriously OP.
(Also, DD may say she's fine & it's not a big deal, but it actually is one.)

Geppili · 15/10/2022 02:38

Sexist misogynist pig.

allboysherebutme · 15/10/2022 03:26

I wonder if part of your mental state is due to his behaviour, he seems very volatile.
You said you let him deal with behaviour, I hope you step in if he's in the wrong. X

allboysherebutme · 15/10/2022 03:30

If he's be working so early, why did you not take her to her activities. X

Russell19 · 15/10/2022 03:54

You need to do a bit more OP. Do you work? Just wondering why your dh had been working all day, then dds activity, then when he was showering she's asking him for password for printing. Couldn't you have done the activity or the printing?

As an aside, none of that excuses the bruising. That is totally unacceptable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread