Shocked not sure if I’m over reacting

[Bagpuss2022]

My Dh of over 25 years is the kindest man he’s supported me so much especially over the last few years I have been very unwell mental health numerous stays inpatient and stood by me through a awful court case related to it.
Im much better these days although I still struggle daily but he’s not under as much pressure as he has been in the past.
last night be returned from work and took DD to her activity they didn’t get back till gone 8pm we had dinner they both had to shower whilst Dh was in the bathroom DD asked for the password for the family pc as she needed to print something for school today what ensued was a huge shouting match ended up with DD in tears.
I didn’t get involved I support DH with any behaviour issues not that we have many. Dd cried for a while in the bath she’s just turned a teen thought it was just tiredness/hormones/stropiness and he said he wouldn’t take her to the activity she loves again.
she came down like every night at 10pm to give hugs and say goodnight she blanked Dh and just said goodnight to me but just in a normal way.
all was fine this morning they were bantering and she gave him a hug before going to school but tonight in conversation she said he “grabbed her” and she was scared he’s never been physical with any of our DC she has bruises on the tops of her shoulders.
shocked I asked him and he said she wasn’t listening and being “hysterical”.
sorry for long post but I’m in shock I was abused badly for most of my childhood hence my MH and the court case so I don’t know if I’m overreacting I haven’t spoken to him since she’s been fine with him but I can’t look at him

Why is the “family PC” passworded with a code that only DH knows? Why is it locked at all?

Can you clarify if the bruising was caused by him or her protective equipment?

What’s he hiding on the computer?

also he does need to go. Allegations have consequences, if it true then you’ll be glad you took it seriously. If she is not telling the truth she will see that a false allegation will mean a lot of damage and consequences as well.

Feels all a bit dramatic! Sounds like she was being annoying and not waiting for him to get out of the shower. He snapped and she got hysterical as kids do and he maybe handled her a bit too harshly but he’s said sorry. Isn’t like he hit her. I think your past is making you over react to this. In my opinion.

Stop minimising abusive behaviour.

Your DH seems very controlling. Why does DD have to ask for computer password to print something for school? She is a teenager, she should really have her own account so she can logon without asking to do school work. Don’t you trust her? Does your DH have something to hide?

Just grabbing someone shouldn’t bruise someone - this is very concerning. Your DH has physically assaulted your DD.

So your dh refuses to tell her the password (why?!l) then when she gets "hysterical" (nice misogynistic word) he assaults her, leaving bruises; then he tells her he won't take her to her favourite activity anymore.

She is a child and is powerless. You need to intervene. You shouldn't have even allowed it to get to that stage. I would have said immediately - why can't you just give her the password. Also as PP said, this is highly suspicious- what has he been looking at?

You say he's a good man, but we as women have got to stop tolerating shitty, abusive behaviour from men. You need to lead the way for hour dd.

*way not hour

• your not hour

Yes, let's find a way to twist this round and somehow make it the woman's fault. He's assaulted his own fucking daughter. Don't excuse this by saying it was because the poor lickle man was so tired he couldn't help himself.

You're not overreacting OP. If anything, you're underreacting. Your husband has physically assaulted your daughter. You can't just let it slide.

It sounds like he is controlling and aggressive (you say he shouts). The whole dynamic you describe seems abusive to me.

I think maybe your bar for abusive behaviour is set pretty high because of your own experiences. But his behaviour is abuse, too.

Family PC but not with a password either you or your daughter knows? Bizarre but let's just say he insists on changing it on a regular basis, why not just tell her the password before getting into shower? Or was she asking for password through bathroom door whilst he was physically in the shower? Either way, it does sound abusive and controlling. It's hard to understand why, if he's never acted like this before, why he would on this occasion. Yeah, he's busy, tired and stressed but I'm sure he's been all those things before - why the sudden change in character now?

You say he knows he was wrong and that he should apologise for his behaviour but what explanation did he give for the sudden change in character?

Only you know your family dynamics OP and what you feel you should do but other pps are correct, I'd DD mentions this outside the family home, someone may consider it a safeguarding issue and report it.

My first thought was ‘what’s on the computer he doesn’t want to give out the password for’? Sounds like he was tired, and no-one enjoys driving kids to activities straight from work. Seriously when my DS went to Uni a few weeks ago I was celebrating no longer having to take him to football after work! No excuse to hurt her. He does need to address this. What caused him to snap? Teenagers can push people to limits, but no excuse to actually bruise her. That should be enough to shock him into addressing his behaviour.

Besides anything else my instinct was :
'What's on that computer'
Op have you got the password?????
I'd be checking out the computer pronto ... and down tools till I'd seen everything...

Can you clarify if the bruising was caused by him or her protective equipment?

This! Everyone needs to hold on a minute until this very important piece of information is clarified.

Agree he overreacted to password request. Comes across as he's hiding something on PC. Unless you know the password? If not, that's very suspicious.

Leave ? Dramatic aren't you?

Dramatic? 🤣 DH lays a hand on either of our girls and his feet won't touch the floor on the way out. We are raising them to have power over their own bodies not to accept an assault from someone they're supposed to trust, their protector. I'm not naive to think people don't have breaking points but if my child becomes to the target of that outburst then you're gone. You can't control yourself? You can't stay.

So only he knows the computer password, you don’t know it either? Why is that?

Your husband sounds controlling and misogynistic. He never laid hands on his sons, but does with his daughter who has just got into her teen years? Interesting time for him to start throwing his weight around and what a wonderful lesson he’s giving her in what to expect from a boyfriend/husband.

He’s already admitted to putting his hands on her because she was ‘hysterical’. What further clarification do you need?

Why were you OK with him screaming at her for asking to use the computer for school? Wtf. I mean is there more to that story? Like did you think it was a lie or something and she wanted to use it for something nefarious? Otherwise I just don't understand why you didn't tell him to wind his neck in and give her the password.

Also, is he hiding something on that computer? Otherwise whu did he react that extremely.

All that aside, he assaulted her! Cunt belongs in jail op. Get him out of your house.

He’s already admitted to putting his hands on her because she was ‘hysterical’. What further clarification do you need?

Do you really think you can accuse someone of bruising their child when the Op has said she doesn’t know if the bruising was caused the saftey equipment?!

Tbf though he shouldn't have put his hands on her at all. Even just firmly. Unless she was attempting to assault him. Or maybe, smashing the house up or something.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots

Leave ? Dramatic aren't you?

If my partner physically hurt my child and left bruises on them of course I would expect them to leave.

If your partner assaulted you and left bruises would you think oh well they lost their temper and it was probably my fault, and just move on?

If so, that's of course your choice but it would be troubling.

In the case of a child, it would be minimising and tolerating them being assaulted.

Tbf though he shouldn't have put his hands on her at all. Even just firmly. Unless she was attempting to assault him. Or maybe, smashing the house up or something.

Well we don’t know what was happening so we can’t say if he should or should not have put his hands on her. And the OP herself is not sure if the safety equipment left the bruising.

People are saying he must leave, when they are ignoring what the Op has actually written down.

People have either not read all the Op’s posts or have reading comprehension issues.