Shocked not sure if I’m over reacting

[Bagpuss2022]

My Dh of over 25 years is the kindest man he’s supported me so much especially over the last few years I have been very unwell mental health numerous stays inpatient and stood by me through a awful court case related to it.
Im much better these days although I still struggle daily but he’s not under as much pressure as he has been in the past.
last night be returned from work and took DD to her activity they didn’t get back till gone 8pm we had dinner they both had to shower whilst Dh was in the bathroom DD asked for the password for the family pc as she needed to print something for school today what ensued was a huge shouting match ended up with DD in tears.
I didn’t get involved I support DH with any behaviour issues not that we have many. Dd cried for a while in the bath she’s just turned a teen thought it was just tiredness/hormones/stropiness and he said he wouldn’t take her to the activity she loves again.
she came down like every night at 10pm to give hugs and say goodnight she blanked Dh and just said goodnight to me but just in a normal way.
all was fine this morning they were bantering and she gave him a hug before going to school but tonight in conversation she said he “grabbed her” and she was scared he’s never been physical with any of our DC she has bruises on the tops of her shoulders.
shocked I asked him and he said she wasn’t listening and being “hysterical”.
sorry for long post but I’m in shock I was abused badly for most of my childhood hence my MH and the court case so I don’t know if I’m overreacting I haven’t spoken to him since she’s been fine with him but I can’t look at him

What does hysterical mean? Why did that lead to him grabbing her? I'm guessing this was not in a 'to stop her hurting herself' way? In which case, it was like hitting her.

DD had just done a sport requiring physical protection, isn't it far more likely that's how she got bruised?

I'm just a little curious about how in the midst of this huge shouting match , where you didn’t get involved to support DD because you support DH with any behaviour issues , you failed to notice any rough treatment. Given your own past history / sensitivity to abuse.

This needs to make more sense for appropriate answers

I agree. Some people telling you he should leave are being totally over the top.

She is just being measured and using common sense

I agree with you. It’s so dramatic to say father needs to leave home. Things happen and can be worked through.

I'm with Pinkbonbon - why did he react like that to her wanting to access the laptop? Do you have the password OP? I'd be having a look at it. Seems a total over reaction on his part.

All the mental gymnastics about him being tired, DD being bruised by equipment etc.

Posters ignoring the fact that “hysterical“ is often a word used by men about women to justify abusive behaviour.

Also ignoring the fact that OP and DD don’t have access to the family computer, and arsehole husband controls access as the only one with a password?

Fuck that

I agree with all of this. This must be bloody awful for you OP, and awful for your poor daughter too. Please don’t let her think this is acceptable behaviour from the men in her life.
My dad was physically abusive when I was a child, my mum stayed with him until he cheated and left and, altho I fully appreciate how awful and hard for her it was being married to a man like him (he was physically abusive to her too), it left some serious damage. I went on to find myself in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, which I accepted for much longer than I should’ve, because that’s what I knew, that’s what men were like in my life, the bar was very low.

What sounds far more likely is that your DP has something on the PC he did not want your DC to see and HE overreacted to avoid discovery.

There’s nothing dodgy on his computer it’s one he uses for work that has to be secured the password is changed every so often by them it’s the only one directly connected to the computer, she has her own laptop as do both out older lads
hes gone to stay with his mum for a few days to give us all space, I can’t be sure if the bruising is from him or the protective body equipment it’s not fingertip bruising but I’m obviously biased and not taking a chance,
I can’t take her to her activities as I can’t drive due to my illness,
I don’t think I’m minimising it at all I thought it was just her being stroppy and him over reacting I didn’t know about the grabbing till yesterday and I spoke to him about it straight away he feels awful but am I going to throw away over 25 years of our family he’s never laid a hand on any of us in the past I don’t know

Did your daughter actually say he caused the bruises, did he admit to it?
I only ask as my daughter plays a lot of sports, the other day she pointed out the strangest marks on her shoulder that we can only presume are caused by her sports bra.
Tred carefully op until you know more.

"He feels awful" Sorry OP, but he ought to feel awful. He should be begging forgiveness and working out what he can do to make himself safe to be around.

but am I going to throw away over 25 years of our family he’s never laid a hand on any of us in the past I don’t know

Yes it's tricky. Stay with a violent man who hurts your daughter, or protect your daughter?

100% do not believe that this is the only red flag he's been waving.

I think if you'd explained that it was his work computer rather than saying it was family computer, as you did in your original post, OP, it could have stopped the whole 'he's hiding something on PC'' and 'he's controlling, why don't you have the password' saga.

Why not just connect all devices to printer and make life easier for everyone?

However, it doesn't take into account or excuse the apparent change in character that you've described. I'm not suggesting something as dramatic as ending your marriage but this needs looking into more, as a family, so there's no chance of repeat behaviour

Why are you focusing on the bruises? He admitted to grabbing her. It doesn't matter whether the bruises were caused by him or not - he did get physical with your child when he lost his temper. Her being fine with him now doesn't mean anything because she's a child and that's her father, she won't know how to process it so she'll just go back to being normal. YOU are the adult here. It is your responsibility to protect her, your responsibility to make decisions for her.

This is a one off from a man who has always been kind and a good father and husband. In a tense moment, when he'd had a long day and a tough year. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

What doubt? He physically assaulted their child.

I’m the adult yes and he has left for a few days we need to sit down and see where we go from here I admit my fault in this as I could hear them going at it but I trusted his judgment like I said he’s never been physical to any of us, He has a lot on his plate not a excuse no but a reason to loose it he’s basically had to be full time parent and carer and work crazy hours to support us as I can’t work and have been very unwell mentally so I do feel guilty,

Even though the equipment has never bruised her before and just coincidentally it did this time in the place he grabbed her?! Give over, do you normally try and find excuses for men or is this a one off?

There are really several issues that you need to follow up on OP.

• Why did he react so violently to a simple request? I really don't see why accessing a computer to do something school-related would turn into such a big deal
• I would seriously consider the fact that if he is the only person who has the password for the PC there is something on there that he did not want your daughter or you to see and that is what caused the issue, not your daughter's behaviour
• You need to ask your daughter if he is the one who caused the bruises or if it was a sport injury. If he grabbed her hard enough to cause this then he assaulted her and has to go.

If you don't take this seriously you are teaching your daughter that it is fine for a man to call her hysterical and hurt her simply because he is annoyed.

@Naunet Even though the equipment has never bruised her before and just coincidentally it did this time in the place he grabbed her?! Give over, do you normally try and find excuses for men or is this a one off?

No, I normally make decisions based on evidence. In this case what the Op has actually said.

Bruising is not uncommon in her sport it’s horse riding and jumping,
my DC will always come first hence DH leaving for a few days
I’m not disputing him grabbing her is totally out of line.he knows exactly how I feel about it and he has apologised we need to see if we can discuss and find a way forward

It doesn’t really matter that he’s apologetic tho, he still physically assaulted your daughter. He hurt her in anger. Is the lesson you want her to learn that it’s okay if a man physically hurts you as long as he says he is sorry afterwards? What about if he’s extra nice for a day or two? She deserves better than that.
FWIW I have never once had bruises from wearing a body protector while riding, altho I believe that to be somewhat irrelevant. You know he hurt her, you don’t need bruises to make that real.