Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fleeing emotional abuse with kids

66 replies

Anonymices · 13/10/2022 11:21

Have been in contact with Women's Aid and they have confirmed that dh is definitely emotionally and verbally abusive. They have advised me to leave our home with the children ASAP. They have put my name down for Refuge and have advised putting in an application to the council for accommodation. Has anyone else done this? Needing a handhold. Really scared he'll kill me if I take his kids away from him (and 'question his character'). I can't put up with the abuse much longer, especially with the children, but these next steps seem so huge and the nature of the abuse it is so hard to prove. Read the Lundy Bancroft book and got a lot of understanding from that, but everyone else won't have done that. Worried that everyone will think I'm being ridiculous and believe him when he says that he's never done anything (he claims that I ruined his life when I spoke up once, many years ago, and I have been severely punished since).

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymices · 13/10/2022 17:19

Is it even reasonable to flee from abuse if it is almost purely emotional/verbal? What about the children? They won't understand. I don't want to take the place of someone who is in more need of refuge.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 13/10/2022 17:28

It is definitely reasonable to flee emotional abuse. It’s as damaging as physical abuse. Especially for your children.

take the Refuge place. You are as deserving of it as anyone.

therubbiliser · 13/10/2022 17:38

People might not understand because in my experience people rarely handle abuse within families at all. However that doesn’t mean you should listen to them. You need to do what is right for you and your children.

Billyhargrovesmullet · 13/10/2022 17:43

You are definitely worthy of the place his abuse has you feeling that you aren’t, try to get a non molestation order in place too if possible. Emotional, financial and coercive abuse is just as damaging as violence, I’m still healing and have been left him over 5 years now, your life will get better without him and you are worthy of every possible help you can get

Bluemoon22 · 13/10/2022 17:55

I fled emotional abuse and coercive control 6 weeks ago with my son. We stayed at my mums until we got our own place which was 3wks ago. I was really scared and not sure i was doing the right thing but i can 100% say that i did. Me and my son are settled and happy and i no longer have to walk on egg shells. Please please please listen to womens aid and leave. My ex has got everyone believing he hasn't done anything and playing the victim to his family who believe him apart from his sister but the people who matter and the police believe me. People will believe you

Original poster
Anonymices · 13/10/2022 22:35

@Billyhargrovesmullet sorry you went through that. Thank you for your advice.

@Bluemoon22 sorry you're going through all of this. How did you provide proof to the police?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymices · 14/10/2022 11:47

What if there was an alternative in 9 months time. A different way to get out that was less drastic? I am not convinced he would be as dangerous as they are saying if I said that I wanted to leave, but he is really jealous/possessive over the children. I am worried that he would take them, but if I flee to a refuge that is exactly what I would be doing.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 14/10/2022 11:55

Please listen to the experts. They have heard it all. If they are saying he sounds dangerous please listen. If he is possessive over the children he will never just let you leave. Fleeing to a Refuge is the safest possible way for you to get out.

DenholmElliot1 · 14/10/2022 12:00

You don't have to report it to the police and provide evidence if you don't want to. the main thing is to get yourself to a safe place, especially if you are afraid he'll kill you

Bluemoon22 · 14/10/2022 12:09

@Anonymices i recorded him on my phone when he was being abusive and provided it as evidence when he was reported to the police

Original poster
Anonymices · 14/10/2022 12:12

@DenholmElliot1 he is not physically abusive now (apart from some scary driving and minor pushing). I'm only worried that he might get physical if I leave, especially in that way, without any warning.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 14/10/2022 12:15

There is no minor pushing, that is turning physical. It will escalate.
I took 3 kids to a refuge in the lockdown without telling him and called the police. They met me elsewhere, no need to provide physical evidence.
Best thing I've ever done

DenholmElliot1 · 14/10/2022 12:16

Anonymices · 14/10/2022 12:12

@DenholmElliot1 he is not physically abusive now (apart from some scary driving and minor pushing). I'm only worried that he might get physical if I leave, especially in that way, without any warning.

Which is why we don't tell them we're leaving. We just leave.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 14/10/2022 12:17

Anonymices · 13/10/2022 17:19

Is it even reasonable to flee from abuse if it is almost purely emotional/verbal? What about the children? They won't understand. I don't want to take the place of someone who is in more need of refuge.

YES. You don’t have to prove abuse.
Do not let him know you are leaving. Plan, plan and plan. Get documents together, keep clothes together in drawers so you can just throw the lot in bags ( so all dc1 clothes together, dc 2 together etc)
Keep in tough with WA but do NOT let him know you’re talking, clear data off phone, laptop etc then put on a load of other stuff, look up clothes, school stuff etc.. anything neutral.
Get money together where you can. Take anything valuable ( eg jewellery) with you.
Do you have family or friends you can go to?
Stay strong, stay calm, you will get out, the calmness when you have is wonderful.

Sago1 · 14/10/2022 12:21

I was a child of a physically abusive father and an emotionally abusive mother.
It has had a huge affect on my life, I only understand now at nearly 60 the extent of the damage.
Pease find the strength to leave.

Good Luck.

therubbiliser · 14/10/2022 14:59

My FIL was utterly abusive to my MIL carers as well as MIL and it took the police and social services to convince her that the carers weren’t overreacting to his abuse because she was so conditioned to his appalling behaviour and walking on egg shells around him. You will be the same, so used your partners behaviour that you minimise by in your mind because it is all part of your normal. You need to listen to the experts.

Anonymices · 14/10/2022 15:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

bingbummy · 14/10/2022 15:58

Yes I've left an abusive ex and lived in a refuge and got housed.

Why is it you say he will try to kill you? You say he's not been violent.

What you need to think about once you're gone is how you will act in court if he wants contact. It's a very tricky thing.

I could write at length about it but I'll say one thing, if you go in there and say things like you think he will kill you but he's never been violent that won't go in your favour.

Original poster
Anonymices · 14/10/2022 16:12

@bingbummy I don't know... Is it just because WA made me frightened? He controls me with his moods and words now, but they said if that doesn't work he might hurt me physically. I don't think he'd do that unless it was really worth it (he could get rid of me). He probably wouldn't kill me, or himself (he has threatened this), I don't know.

If he wouldn't hurt me physically, should I just go down the normal divorce route though? Is that the difference?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 16:14

scary driving and minor pushing

Along with the emotional abuse... get the hell out!

And DO NOT under any cisrumstances warn him that this is going to happen. Get out, keep you and DC safe. THEN tell him you have left but do not tell him where you are. You might also need to pre-warn police if you are scared, and it sounds like you are.

Best of luck but please don't hesitate to call for help from friends and family and police. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 16:15

He controls me with his moods and words now, but they said if that doesn't work he might hurt me physically

Please re-read what you have just written. He has conditioned you into thinking this is 'normal'. It is not. Please look after yourself.

bingbummy · 14/10/2022 16:21

Anonymices · 14/10/2022 16:12

@bingbummy I don't know... Is it just because WA made me frightened? He controls me with his moods and words now, but they said if that doesn't work he might hurt me physically. I don't think he'd do that unless it was really worth it (he could get rid of me). He probably wouldn't kill me, or himself (he has threatened this), I don't know.

If he wouldn't hurt me physically, should I just go down the normal divorce route though? Is that the difference?

I think the only consideration for you is what he will want to do around contact.

If he's vindictive and nasty, which he sounds, is he going to go for 50/50 and use the children to torture you?

This is what I'd be wanting to avoid. My ex actually buggered off in the end but he was not vindictive and didn't have the mental and financial resources to go for contact or to care for our baby.

lovenotwar149 · 14/10/2022 16:25

My parents are emotional abusers BIGTIIME. I am over 50 now and only in the last 2 yrs have I come to fully accept this. I was brought up in a physically violent home, but fortunately the physical violence was between my parents not at their kids. I am out now...out of it all. Manipualation is still coming my way and I have educated myself on this topic hugely and now know strategies to implement to keep them away. As this is your parent and the father of your kids...oh my....gonna be really really tough. Do you have a support network to help you?
The effects of verbal/emotional abuse are as bad as physical abuse ...way harder to prove. Listen to your gut. I think you already know leaving is really the best option its just how to go about doing it and staying safe.

perseverence · 14/10/2022 16:34

you are currently in the FOG of abuse which stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Look at this the other way around.

If you STAY you may have your kids taken off you anyway because you have not protected them, or yourself, from an abusive man.

This is a real possiblity. Whereas social care and all the other agencies will see that feeling to refuge is a positive act to take care of your kids and your self.

This may seem a harsh view but it IS realistic.

Go to refuge and secure the support you need and deserve.

bingbummy · 14/10/2022 16:37

perseverence · 14/10/2022 16:34

you are currently in the FOG of abuse which stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Look at this the other way around.

If you STAY you may have your kids taken off you anyway because you have not protected them, or yourself, from an abusive man.

This is a real possiblity. Whereas social care and all the other agencies will see that feeling to refuge is a positive act to take care of your kids and your self.

This may seem a harsh view but it IS realistic.

Go to refuge and secure the support you need and deserve.

Does that really happen?

I know that the family courts do not restrict a dad's access unless he is a danger to the children, and if he's emotionally abusing the mother that doesn't preclude contact with the children. So why would it mean children removed from a family?

I honestly don't think that's ever happened.

Swipe left for the next trending thread