Fleeing emotional abuse with kids

[Anonymices]

Have been in contact with Women's Aid and they have confirmed that dh is definitely emotionally and verbally abusive. They have advised me to leave our home with the children ASAP. They have put my name down for Refuge and have advised putting in an application to the council for accommodation. Has anyone else done this? Needing a handhold. Really scared he'll kill me if I take his kids away from him (and 'question his character'). I can't put up with the abuse much longer, especially with the children, but these next steps seem so huge and the nature of the abuse it is so hard to prove. Read the Lundy Bancroft book and got a lot of understanding from that, but everyone else won't have done that. Worried that everyone will think I'm being ridiculous and believe him when he says that he's never done anything (he claims that I ruined his life when I spoke up once, many years ago, and I have been severely punished since).

And social services can and do take children away due to domestic violence. To protect the children. If a parent is not seen as protecting the children from the violent partner SS can and do and should intervene.

Yes I would go with that.
However it does appear in this circumstance that the OP is not seperated from her current partner.
If she is not, and doesn't draw her boundaries I believe in posting here she is putting herself at risk if this thread comes to light. Especially if she is making perparations to leave. Extreme caution is advised.

That is what I meant.

I get what you are saying but your post saying you reported the thread could put someone off asking for help. Often women have nowhere else to turn but here. And as you see from reading the OP’s posts she is confused as to what to do. She needs support and advice not reporting. She has been given advice on how to clear her phone etc. She is not yet separated as she is afraid and confused. Why shouldn’t she post?

I can only repeat what I said.
Mumsnet threads are broadcast across the world and could be picked up by anyone. Including OP's partner.

I posted here for support before I went. And I got it
And afterwards
You should not discourage women that are trying to build themselves up to taking the step, it takes too long as it is

Sure.
You should be leaving and not talking about it.

And certainly not blaming others on here who have very concrete and decent and professional experience of the matter.

As I have said. Anything posted on mumsnet is internationally available to so many millions of viewers.
Ask women's aid how that is.
Stupid and dangerous to post on her about the detail.

If you wish it to be published in the Daily Fail go ahead.

Speak to Women's aid and ask them if it is a good idea to post on here in that amount of detail and they will tell you it is not a good idea.

Stop blaming those who challenge you on it, eh.

Good luck

I have spoken to womens aid numerous times.
I was signposted there on this forum.
I was encouraged to go to the Police on here, which I did.
No good luck needed thank you, I made my own and I'm happy now

@perseverence I don't think this board is for you. Women come here for support, not to be greeted by your anxieties and judgements about what abused women should be doing.

OP, one of the problems with consistent and persistent emotional abuse such as you describe, is that it life like that becomes so normal to you that there is a loss of what is truly normal.

Refuge is just that - a refuge. A place away from a life spent orbiting your abusive partner like a little moon always facing him and not seeing the rest of the world. You are never able to stop reacting long enough to actually draw breath and see what is going on. If you have read Lundy Bancroft then you will know that keeping you like that is a main aim of an abuser.

WA have simply managed to given you a glimpse into how the rest of the world view your relationship. Of course it is a shock to you, and of course it will be scarcely believable at first.

One of the most exhausting parts of being abused is that you are constantly, inwardly trying to make it all alright for yourself. Almost always one of the first things a badly abused woman will say is 'I love him'. Or "He is a good father'. Sometimes it will be 'Well he doesn't/wouldn't beat me'.

It is when you finally get out you will be able to look back and see what was going on. The other thing to consider is that if you need the help of aid services such as WA to get away - and if what you have posted is accurate then you really, really do, OP - then that will be taken into account going forwards as you start to face him attempting to carry on controlling you throughout the divorce process.

Well removing a woman's children because SHE is suffering emotional abuse seems.... emotionally abusive. I wouldn't put it past the family courts but I still don't believe it has ever been that simple because it just makes no sense given emotional abuse is not even a crime and I am baffled as to how a case could be built on something so vague and would be horrified if the solution was to remove the children instead of remove the emotional abuser.

Firstly emotional abuse IS a criminal offence in the UK. You are on the internet already, so please just google and educate yourself before posting what you 'believe' as being somehow equal with the facts.

Children are removed from parents under the simple and single criterion that they are in danger of abuse themselves. It is not done as a punishment of anyone. Witnessing one parent being abusive to another parent is considered child abuse.

From the NSPCC' website:

"Around 1 in 5 children have been exposed to domestic abuse. Children never just ‘witness’ domestic abuse, the law now recognises they can be victims. Exposure to domestic abuse is child abuse, and it can have a significant impact on a child’s development, health and wellbeing."

If a parent does not protect their child from abuse, for example by continuing to stay with an abusive partner instead of leaving then yes, Social Services will act to protect the child because their parents have shown that they cannot or will not act in the child's best interest. This would only be done after a certain degree of Social Services involvement unless the risk was extreme and immediate.

Is this scaredMary from the other thread? Similar writing style

@user1468105798 I was thinking the same.

Hi there, i just wanted to message on here as I don’t even want to speak about my situation anymore as everytime i do my thread is getting put down. I really don’t have the energy anymore to keep doing this. Just wanted take my time to say thank you to all the people that gave me advice.

This isn’t my thread by the way x

Thanks for your judgements.

If I were you I would refrain from them. You simply never know what someone else has been through.

Nevertheless thanks for posting you are entitled to your opinion even though others will not/may not agree with you!

@bingbummy Lundy says...
"Attempting to determine the level of risk that a particular abuser will become physically violent is a complex and imprecise process. If you are concerned that your partner may react destructively or violently to being left, listen carefully to your intuitions even if he has not been violent, or not extremely so, in the past. A recent study found that women’s own predictions regarding future violence by their abusive partners were far more accurate than assessments based on any other factor. Separation can be an especially risky time. I was close to a case recently in which a woman left a psychological abuser who became increasingly threatening and scary over the months after she left him, to the point where she went as far as making arrangements with relatives regarding who should care for her two children in the event of her death. And although he had never hit her during their relationship, he tragically did in fact kill her, hiding a block away from the courthouse to ambush her as she was leaving a hearing where she had obtained a restraining order against him, after which he committed suicide."

I have now put my name on the waiting list for refuge.