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Original poster

Wondering who the affair was with

71 replies

jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:19

I have many reasons to believe my husband had an affair. He denies it. He had to admit to something because he caught a sexually transmitted disease. So he said he visited an escort. For several reasons, I don't believe him.

In hindsight, everything says 'affair'. My problem now is that I continually wonder about who he had an affair with. It's not constantly on my mind but it's something that I need to know. Who she was, what she looks like, how it started.

How do I stop myself doing this?

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 12/10/2022 14:05

You stop it by throwing him out and getting some self respect as you are worth more than his lies x

tableanadchairs · 12/10/2022 14:13

^^^ this

Delilahonabike · 12/10/2022 14:13

You can't, full disclosure is usually needed for you to have any chance of recovering from an affair and he hasn't/won't give you that. Without it you will go round in circles and eventually realise you're flogging a dead horse and leave him so you may as well just leave now and save yourself the bother I'm afraid Flowers

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 12/10/2022 14:20

I'd be looking very close to home as he's clearly trying to protect someone.

crochetandacuppa · 12/10/2022 14:22

You won’t be able to move past it until you have the truth I’m afraid OP. Otherwise you’ll always be wondering.

SunsetsArePretty · 12/10/2022 14:32

He's admitted to being unfaithful, but won't tell you who with?! I'm sorry he's being so unfair to you by not telling you who it was, because you'll spend your whole life wondering if you know her.
Saying it was an escort is the cowards way out. He should be apologetic, telling you how he's so ashamed of himself and that he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you! He should be answering any questions you have, so you can move forward. Doesn't sound like he's doing anything remotely close to any of that to even start to make amends. Perhaps you have to decide if you can put it behind you without knowing and carry on, or if you need to start getting your ducks in a row so you can kick him out and start the divorce.

Original poster
jastine55 · 12/10/2022 14:38

The situation is not as straightforward as just leaving as a breakup now would risk repercussions on another person.

Thinking about who it is is taking up too much of my energy that could be better used elsewhere but I am struggling because I just know I'm right but for the life of me can't work out who it was.

To the person who said look close to home. That's a good shout. Thinking about what the repercussions would be if it came out for the woman. I'm wondering female relative.

OP posts:
ihatesteve · 12/10/2022 14:38

Why do you think not an escort? Could he have become attached to a particular escort.

KitchenSupper · 12/10/2022 14:40

Might have been both

whoknew123 · 12/10/2022 14:41

Full disclosure or he's toast. If you want to be able to contact the woman you should be able to, some as that. If he has nothing further to hide and wants a chance at salvaging your relationship that's the minimum.

Alcemeg · 12/10/2022 14:45

How do you know it was just with one person/a female?

Sorry you're going through this OP x

Original poster
jastine55 · 12/10/2022 14:52

There are quite a few reasons I don't think it was an escort but the main reason is because I can pinpoint almost to the day when his behaviour changed. We had been getting on really well at that time but he had cause to spend some time in a place he wouldn't normally have been at. Sorry to be cryptic but don't want to say exactly. Not staying away. There was zero chance of him having booked an escort at this time.

OP posts:
XPD · 12/10/2022 19:39

Why are you staying ?

Aggypanthus · 12/10/2022 20:01

We;; whoever it was she gave him a little present so I doubt it was an escort. An affair you say but she clearly sleeps with other people so look for someone who sleeps around

User19876 · 12/10/2022 20:31

Agree about looking close to home. If he won’t say who it is it could be someone you know or know of and he’s trying to protect them.

pinkpanel · 12/10/2022 21:00

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 12/10/2022 14:20

I'd be looking very close to home as he's clearly trying to protect someone.

100% my first thought

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 21:44

Why does it matter, though? You know for a fact that he has cheated. If you're not going to leave him for cheating, then it doesn't actually matter who it was, and there is no reason for him to not do it again.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 12/10/2022 21:49

The horrible thing is that you don't know who you can trust. Obviously you can't trust him, but your sister, his SIL, your neighbour, your best friend - you could confide in any of them and they could be reporting back to him. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Cakecakecheese · 12/10/2022 21:55

Is he even sorry? Disgusting.

pocketvenuss · 12/10/2022 21:59

If he is not willing to be honest about it then he is still treating you with contempt and is still deceiving you. He should be prioritising you but he's not. He prioritising his reputation and the other person. Why are you still with him? Why can't you leave? What repercussions would there be for some other person if you dump him?

Herejustforthisone · 12/10/2022 22:04

You think it might be one of his female relatives?? Bloody hell.

pinkpanel · 12/10/2022 22:07

Herejustforthisone · 12/10/2022 22:04

You think it might be one of his female relatives?? Bloody hell.

I assume she meant one of her relatives??

roundtable · 12/10/2022 22:12

Are you the play fighting with the cousin or other relative poster?

If in the chance this is real, what do you think you will gain from this thread? Validation, sympathy or advice? As you've been given all three previously.

What do you feel you should do? I'm not sure you're getting the answers you want?

CreamyCrisp · 12/10/2022 22:20

If they go low, you go high. Don't let it consume you, it's not worth it.
Just be your best self - that's all you can do. Like it or lump it.

PoseyFlump · 12/10/2022 22:33

CreamyCrisp · 12/10/2022 22:20

If they go low, you go high. Don't let it consume you, it's not worth it.
Just be your best self - that's all you can do. Like it or lump it.

How?

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