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Original poster

Wondering who the affair was with

71 replies

jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:19

I have many reasons to believe my husband had an affair. He denies it. He had to admit to something because he caught a sexually transmitted disease. So he said he visited an escort. For several reasons, I don't believe him.

In hindsight, everything says 'affair'. My problem now is that I continually wonder about who he had an affair with. It's not constantly on my mind but it's something that I need to know. Who she was, what she looks like, how it started.

How do I stop myself doing this?

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 12/10/2022 22:34

pinkpanel · 12/10/2022 22:07

I assume she meant one of her relatives??

Show quote history

Oh that makes more sense. Still grim AF though.

I wonder if it’s the playfighting cousin?

Dotcheck · 12/10/2022 22:38

crochetandacuppa · 12/10/2022 14:22

You won’t be able to move past it until you have the truth I’m afraid OP. Otherwise you’ll always be wondering.

Rubbish

Once you gain your self worth, it’s amazing how easy it is to not give a fuck about the lies people tell.

Step 1 - boot him out

FridayTheThirteeth · 12/10/2022 22:48

STI so he told you. Does he generally disrespect you? Why on earth do you not value yourself more? Dump the disgusting thing.

rattlemehearties · 12/10/2022 22:53

Why can't you leave him? There's no point in trying to find clever mindfulness tricks to stop overthinking this - his behaviour is despicable and you don't have to move past it, just leave.

JulesCobb · 12/10/2022 22:56

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 21:44

Why does it matter, though? You know for a fact that he has cheated. If you're not going to leave him for cheating, then it doesn't actually matter who it was, and there is no reason for him to not do it again.

This. Whats the point of knowing?

blameless · 12/10/2022 23:05
  1. Unprotected sex with no expectation of consequences because you trust the other person.
  2. That's not a risk an experienced escort would take.
  3. How would you feel toward the other person if 1. led to an STI?

Someone, not necessarily a woman is a lot less welcome in his social circle.

flutterbyfly · 12/10/2022 23:15

Why are you still with him?!!

As PP said, he will 100% do it again as there are no consequences for him not to, not so much as an uncomfortable situation.

Why let him treat you with such contempt?

mathanxiety · 12/10/2022 23:34

Repercussions for another person is your reason to stay?

Is this person a child or an adult?

Can you sit your H down and tell him that there is no way he would have caught a sti from an escort, and you are insulted that he thinks you would believe that glaring lie.

Tell him you want full disclosure and proof.

But you have to be willing to leave if you can't believe him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2022 23:40

Thinking about what the repercussions would be if it came out for the woman.

They would be very well deserved. Kick the fucker out.

Cheminaufaules · 13/10/2022 10:15

An escort advertising on the well known sites would very quickly lose business if she was infecting men. As I understand it, escorts get screened regularly.

If it was an escort then it is more likely to be a person who perhaps does a little sex for cash business as a side hustle. This might be a regular arrangement so the normal signs of an affair might begin to show.

The easiest way to wriggle out of any further grief is to make up a story about a nameless escort though.

Winceybincey · 13/10/2022 10:22

I’m pretty sure escorts are very aware and very hot on protection so I can’t imagine a ‘sex professional’ going bare back with some random bloke!

sorry you’re going through this op but I don’t think it was an escort either x

Cheminaufaules · 13/10/2022 10:31

blameless · 12/10/2022 23:05

  1. Unprotected sex with no expectation of consequences because you trust the other person.
  2. That's not a risk an experienced escort would take.
  3. How would you feel toward the other person if 1. led to an STI?

Someone, not necessarily a woman is a lot less welcome in his social circle.

This is very good inductive logic!

Cheminaufaules · 13/10/2022 10:38

Also, look at where he was when his behaviour changed, and the people that he was likely coming into contact with at that time.

I agree with PP who said go high if they go low. Only pursue investigation if it will prove to be of benefit otherwise you can just assume that it was some person - escort or otherwise - who clearly has much lower standards than you. Therefore, a person not worth bothering about.

ihatesteve · 13/10/2022 12:33

Escorts are literally everywhere. I wish i didnt know this. Some of them do 15 minute slots. Work lunchbreaks are apparently a very busy time. 🤮

SuperCamp · 13/10/2022 12:36

Oh, I am so sorry.

What a bastard.

The problem now is that as well as having been sexually unfaithful and put your health at risk, he is not giving you the honesty and transparency that would be the necessary start to rebuilding any trust. Trust being the cornerstone of a relationship.

His refusal to be honest is now as big a problem as his sexual betrayal.

I would do my best to build an emotional wall around myself and not let him into my thoughts or feelings or make myself in any way vulnerable to him, until you decide what to do. He is not the person who can help with your upset and distress unless he throws himself in your mercy and tells the complete truth. Any apology or promise to behave better is worthless without full disclosure and honesty.

And if he ‘gets away with it’ this time he will see that as a free pass for next time.

Take great care of yourself, OP.

ihatesteve · 13/10/2022 12:37

Oh and of course escorts get sti's. Frequently. They fuck men who fuck anything. They are not a regulated fucking industry. You don't seriously think they all practice safe sex do you?

pinkpanel · 13/10/2022 13:41

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 21:44

Why does it matter, though? You know for a fact that he has cheated. If you're not going to leave him for cheating, then it doesn't actually matter who it was, and there is no reason for him to not do it again.

Id have dumped regardless of who it was.

However if I had an inkling it was a friend or family member of course it would be important to know. As well as dumping his ass I'd want the friend or family member out of my life.

It's the lowest of the the low and the ultimate betrayal from both sides.

I know when someone do cheats people say the DP is always most to blame as they are the ones that have betrayed the relationship and that the OW (or OM) doesn't owe the persons partner anything. However in a situation where the person being cheated on has a close relationship with the OW (or OM) they are both equally to blame

quietnightmare · 13/10/2022 15:18

Colleague? Unprotected sex would usually mean it's someone he knows and assumed wouldn't have anything otherwise he risks getting caught, which he did

mathanxiety · 13/10/2022 17:08

You are not responsible for the fallout in the other person's life it 's the OW you are trying to protect.

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/10/2022 17:14

Escorts will insist on a condom, so it's pretty unlikely he'd catch an STD. Can he explain that? Or does he claim that he had unprotected sex? Because that really does rule out an escort.

knittingaddict · 13/10/2022 17:20

CreamyCrisp · 12/10/2022 22:20

If they go low, you go high. Don't let it consume you, it's not worth it.
Just be your best self - that's all you can do. Like it or lump it.

What does this word salad actually mean? Complete gobbledygook.

PoseyFlump · 13/10/2022 17:41

@knittingaddict 😂 exactly my thoughts.

And I always wonder when people give advice about these sort of things if they would be able to take their own advice if their world exploded.

I know there is no way I would be happy not knowing who it was. If it was someone you also had a relationship with (friend etc) you definitely need to know.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/10/2022 17:46

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 21:44

Why does it matter, though? You know for a fact that he has cheated. If you're not going to leave him for cheating, then it doesn't actually matter who it was, and there is no reason for him to not do it again.

Complete rubbish. If he has slept with her friend or sister she may well be confiding in them.

SirGawain · 13/10/2022 17:50

So he said he visited an escort.
In the great scheme of things, I'd say that was worse than an affair with someone he was attracted to. Either way he's pretty repulsive!

NCAutumn · 13/10/2022 17:58

"Escorts will insist on a condom, so it's pretty unlikely he'd catch an STD"

😂 rubbish.

An escort would be worse than an affair though. I'd kick the fucker out for either. Grim.