Wondering who the affair was with

[jastine55]

I have many reasons to believe my husband had an affair. He denies it. He had to admit to something because he caught a sexually transmitted disease. So he said he visited an escort. For several reasons, I don't believe him.

In hindsight, everything says 'affair'. My problem now is that I continually wonder about who he had an affair with. It's not constantly on my mind but it's something that I need to know. Who she was, what she looks like, how it started.

How do I stop myself doing this?

There would be the risk of serious effects if I were to do anything right now.

Your suggestion about demanding full disclosure or else I leave is one I have considered but is on the back burner for the time being.

In the meantime I have been put into the horrible position of having to compartmentalise which is exactly what he has been doing. But that isn't stopping me wondering exactly who he's been shagging.

TBH he's not the sort to pay for sex. I know people will say oh well any man can pay for sex you just never know. But I know him very well. It would damage his ego to have to pay for it, for one.

I have been careful to confide only in people I know I can trust 100%.

The reference to a thread about a cousin - that's not me. Although the mention of a cousin did jog my memory of his cousin bouncing up and down on his lap at a family party once about 25 years ago, so I'm a bit like 'um?!' at the moment about her.

Why don’t you go into his phone and check his locations? It is stored on there - this particular day you talk about it will be on there

especially if he has visited this person often

That’s if he has an iPhone

Thanks. I already checked locations and it had stopped recording by then. I could go back previous years and nothing untoward. I know exactly where he was the week his behaviour changed but I don't know who else might have been there.

He’s been unfaithful and is still disrespecting you, Jastine.

There’s a power imbalance here. You’ve been in false reconciliation because you don’t have the truth and full story. You don’t know exactly what you’re forgiving, and trust can’t be rebuilt on a cracked foundation.

You’re doing yourself a disservice. I hope you’ll soon reach the point where you can take action.

I know, this always makes me 🙄

They're turning men over one after another, the punters on UK punting complain about being kept waiting by their previous punt.

They'd be infected before they knew it, it's only if it's treatavle when thrybdevelil symptoms but they could've passed it on to any number of men before they get symptoms or screened.

Most use condoms for penetrative sex but not for oral sex. You can pass on things through OS. You can also pass on STDs from thigh, button, ball, scrotum etc contact even with condoms.

In any case, op seems to have good reason to believe it's a non escort so ..

*it's only if it's treatable when thet develop symptoms

I saw an absolute shit show of a UK punting thread with a punter accusing a prostitute of having a herpes sore/blister on her inner thigh (i think) and her saying it wasnt a herpes blister and an ensuing character assassination two way slagging etc. All very charming.

*buttock, not button 🙄

Whether he's fucked an escort behind your back, or fucked someone you know ..... He's been unfaithful, he's a cheater and he's risked and damaged your health with his cheating.

I know someone you know, and an affair seems worse in many ways, but even the least "bad" case scenario is still infidelity and affecting your physical & mental health.
(The sex industry side of it might be more impersonal but it has dozens of shit implications too).

Whatever the case he's a cheater and liar. And an std spreader.

An escort advertising on the well known sites would very quickly lose business if she was infecting men.

Punters fuck usually fuck multiple prostitutes. They often have a sweetie shop mentality.n UK punting is about reviewing them for various reasons but one of the main comments men make is "sounds good, I've been meaning to try her for a while, I've been meaning to try he while I'm in X area" etc. They work theit way around various prostitutes; sdca result thrynmihjt find it quite difficult to identify which one infected them esp as symptoms might take a while to emerge.

As I understand it, escorts get screened regularly.

As I've mentioned above, they often device punters back to back, they'd could have gotten infected with an.std and passed it on to one of more men before getting symptoms or being screened.

I never understand why so many women don't seem to think of the practicalities of this.

They work theit way around various prostitutes; with the result that they might find it quite difficult to identify which one infected them, esp. as symptoms might take a while to emerge.

Also please note that men who fuck trans prostitutes tend to report that many will have unprotected sex because they are on PREP tkonprevebt hiv infection. This leaves them open to all other STDs however.

You'd be amazed at how many men use transexual and transvestite prostitutes. All while referring to them as "girls".

Don't discount the cousin, my ex husband had an affair with his cousin. When I was trying to figure out who he was cheating with, I remember thinking that it could be her but, as would most people, the thought of shagging your cousin is so repulsive (although strangely legal), that I dismissed it. It's literally hiding in plain sight and the fact that you remember him being completely inappropriate with her suggests that they have been intimidate before.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but as others have said, it's almost immaterial who the AP is, the fact that he has betrayed your trust is the most important element. I would also add that he is gaslighting you. I look back now and can so clearly see that someone who is capable of abusing the trust placed in them is also predisposed to gaslight. It's almost impossible to separate the two.

Don't discount the cousin, my ex husband had an affair with his cousin.

Op said that wasn't her thread.

You can't. You need full disclosure and honesty to move on from any betrayal like this.

It definitely wasn't an escort. Sex workers are fanatical about being frequently checked for stds. It's their livelihood.

I'd say he needs to tell the truth or he needs to go....

She then went on to describe an incident that worried her with her husband and cousin.

Unless an escort is abstaining from sex whilst she waits for results and then sleeps with one man and then Gets retested and again abstains until she gets results again, then there is no way for them to prevent stds

I’ve known sex workers not have regular check ups or not even care what STI’s they had. It’s a dangerous myth they all practice safe sex etc.

“TBH he's not the sort to pay for sex. I know people will say oh well any man can pay for sex you just never know. But I know him very well. It would damage his ego to have to pay for it, for one.”

Sadly nobody is “the sort to” do anything........until they do. My husband had an affair and he was “never the sort” to do anything of the kind for over thirty years with me. Until he did. If he doesn’t tell you the truth I’m afraid there’s no reconciliation, even if you want it. Not knowing will eat you from the inside out over time and you will be a hollow shell of the person you are now. Truth, remorse, commitment to you and to honesty and transparency are the only way forward. Cheats rarely tell the truth initially. They don’t expect to get found out so they are in damage limitation mode when they do, desperately trying to stop the downward spiral their life just took.
Please believe that the truth is the only way forward, if you both want to try to save the relationship. Don’t waste time thinking it will be ok without it, and make no decisions which are based on fear. I’m so sorry OP, take good care of yourself.