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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands ex has started working with him..do I have anything to be worried about?

126 replies

mrchandlerbong · 11/10/2022 12:38

My husband and I have been together 2 years in December.
We got married in June this year.
He is 41 and I'm 35.
When we met 2 years ago he told me upfront he previously had been a bit of a player.
He told me about a woman he was "kind of seeing" and how she wanted more but at the time he wanted to sleep around.
He showed me her on Facebook (when drunk and early dating)
He told me they had spoken for a year and been out together/slept together etc but at the time they weren't exclusive.
He said she ended up going a bit crazy and he stopped meeting up as "he wouldn't be able to stop himself sleeping with her as he really fancied her"
Hmmm
Anyway that was nearly 2 years ago and we are married now.
She has just got a job with him (same building )
They haven't spoken in 2 years -so I'm assuming won't speak if they see each other as too awkward but with all that history should I be worried ?
Do you think I'm worrying for nothing?

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 11/10/2022 20:40

@mrchandlerbong Have you asked your DH how he feels about her coming to work there?

Did he tell you whether he was unhappy she would be working there?

What discussion have you had with your DH about it?

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2022 20:47

He said she ended up going a bit crazy and he stopped meeting up as "he wouldn't be able to stop himself sleeping with her as he really fancied her"

He's a Prince, lol! How did she go 'a bit crazy'?

Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 11/10/2022 21:05

He hasn't really commented on her working there tbh.
He basically said they were dating for a year (texting,meeting up etc ) she wanted commitment but he couldn't trust himself when he went out so didn't commit.
Then after sleeping together she would get jealous when he slept with someone and would send crazy messages.
It all got complicated apparently and arguments and it stopped

OP posts:
BadNomad · 11/10/2022 21:11

Ah so he used her knowing she had feelings for him. What a nice guy you have there. Hopefully she has realised by now that she doesn't need his toxic ass in her life.

Riverlee · 11/10/2022 21:19

They work in the same building - how big is the building? I rarely see some people that work in the same building and company that I work in.

whistlingandwine · 11/10/2022 21:21

I wouldn't be worried but it's not ideal is it OP. Sorry.

5128gap · 11/10/2022 21:22

mrchandlerbong · 11/10/2022 21:05

He hasn't really commented on her working there tbh.
He basically said they were dating for a year (texting,meeting up etc ) she wanted commitment but he couldn't trust himself when he went out so didn't commit.
Then after sleeping together she would get jealous when he slept with someone and would send crazy messages.
It all got complicated apparently and arguments and it stopped

I think you need to brace yourself and prepare for the worst with this one.This update shows him in a very poor light indeed.
The worst of it? I missed his age when I first read your OP, and had visions of a young man playing the field, still impulsive and thoughtless. Then I re read it, and realised the guy was pushing 40. Practically middle aged and still not developed the self control to resist sex with a woman he is hurting and using? Yet somehow he's completely changed in the last couple of years?
Men who's egos still need the attentions of a string of women at nearly 40 typically get worse not better as they get older.
I wish you the best of luck with him OP. But if he is the man he seems to be, don't hang about waiting for him to change.

Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 11/10/2022 21:33

I honestly think lockdown made him evaluate his life.
We spent a lot of time together during lockdown.
Maybe it would of been different if pubs had been open back then but I think it bonded us.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/10/2022 06:39

How do you know she's working there if he hasn't really said anything about it?

CornishTiger · 12/10/2022 06:42

and he stopped meeting up as "he wouldn't be able to stop himself sleeping with her as he really fancied her"

That is your problem. Lead by his dick not his morals or brain.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 12/10/2022 06:59

This will be your first real test of the alarm. All you can do is keep your finances as separate as you can and watch and wait. It's a horrible situation to be in but you will soon know whether you can trust him.

Ndd135632 · 12/10/2022 07:02

Why did you rush to marry him?

Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 12/10/2022 08:23

@girlmom21 he told me he had seen her when she came for a interview and she got the job but that's as far as he went as he knows it would make me jealous

OP posts:
Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 12/10/2022 08:24

I'm not sure we rushed so to speak but it was just all exciting and I love him

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/10/2022 08:24

So how do you know she actually got the job?

J0y · 12/10/2022 08:31

Anybody who played me, two years later I have figured it out and feel nothing but revulsion for the man, so I'd worry more about the women he hasn't played yet.

In yr shoes id stay powerful, save, work, have a contingency plan, several plan bs.

Always be aware that you have options and make him aware of your high bar.

If he is shabby, you divorce him.

If he plays around dont get upset visibly, tell him loooook, I was fond of you it's been fun, but this (wave your hand around) it's just a bit shabby.

GET TURNED OFF.

next husband will have strength of character.

J0y · 12/10/2022 08:34

She went a bit crazy = she had a visible reaction to being used and hurt.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/10/2022 08:37

You husband sounds like a dick when it comes to sex and dating -it’s dickish to start dating someone and talk about his exes in the way he did to you. Especially at his age. It’s not the sleeping around, it’s that being a player appears to have been a fundamental part of his identity.

So I think you are right to be wary about this situation, but at least if something does happen, you’ve found out early in your relationship. It’s not realistic by the way to think they won’t speak if they see each other - of course they will, they know each other, it would be weird if they didn’t.

For the next few years don’t do anything daft like go part time at work and make yourself dependant on your husband. If he hasn’t really changed you don’t want to be stuck with him.

J0y · 12/10/2022 08:42

Yes, do not go part time. stay powerful.
If he married you he wants you so don't lower your bar.

If you have assets/equity, savings, income, a career ahead of you, friends, family.... then you can remember to get turned off by "playing,".
Eugh.

Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 12/10/2022 09:35

He told me she got the job when she came into do her induction
He said he couldn't believe of all the places she worked there.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrchandlerbong · 12/10/2022 13:35

Do you think our relationship has been too rushed ?

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 12/10/2022 13:37

mrchandlerbong · 12/10/2022 13:35

Do you think our relationship has been too rushed ?

It doesn't really matter what we think. We all have different timescales for stages in our relationships.

Was it fast from meeting to married? Absolutely.

Was it rushed? Only you can answer that. Did you truly get to know each other first? Did you marry for the right reasons? Etc.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2022 13:38

I think your relationship has been too rushed. You married a player who you met during lockdown who is happy to tell you about how much he fancies other women.

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 13:39

I think if lockdown hadn't happened, your relationship wouldn't have happened because he would have still had the freedom to sleep around. It wasn't a change in personality that made him settle down. It was circumstances.

Begoniasforever · 12/10/2022 13:42

Can’t believe he told you all that, that he fancied her so much he’d not be able to stop himself. I mean fuck me. Who says that 🤣