Husbands ex has started working with him..do I have anything to be worried about?

[mrchandlerbong]

My husband and I have been together 2 years in December.
We got married in June this year.
He is 41 and I'm 35.
When we met 2 years ago he told me upfront he previously had been a bit of a player.
He told me about a woman he was "kind of seeing" and how she wanted more but at the time he wanted to sleep around.
He showed me her on Facebook (when drunk and early dating)
He told me they had spoken for a year and been out together/slept together etc but at the time they weren't exclusive.
He said she ended up going a bit crazy and he stopped meeting up as "he wouldn't be able to stop himself sleeping with her as he really fancied her"
Hmmm
Anyway that was nearly 2 years ago and we are married now.
She has just got a job with him (same building )
They haven't spoken in 2 years -so I'm assuming won't speak if they see each other as too awkward but with all that history should I be worried ?
Do you think I'm worrying for nothing?

Also the risk you take when you marry someone you've known for less than 2 years.

Do you mind if I ask, who's idea was it to get married and how long were you engaged?

I ask because you originally said you have been together for 2 years, then said you met 20 months ago. That's closer to a year and a half than 2 years, and it's very, very fast to meet someone and be married in that space of time. Especially as 20 months ago we were still experiencing covid restrictions!

It seems a very fast moving relationship, and it seems you're now questioning how well do you really know him, and you don't know if you can trust him. It may be worth assessing was it you or him that rushed things? If him, that's a pretty big red flag - if it was you, you should ask yourself why you wanted to marry someone you barely knew, but who had a history of being a player.

I don't mean any of this nastily or judgingly. There are some whirlwind romances that work out well and last forever. But you sound unsure, so maybe time to review everything.

Sorry it's 2 years December so 22 months -apparently my maths skills aren't great today
He proposed to me

We were engaged for 7 months and together nearly 12 months when he proposed

You met during covid when he couldn't sleep around like normal? Tbh I don't think I would have gotten married so quickly with a man with that history. I would be worried too about him being around a woman he had previously said "he wouldn't be able to stop himself sleeping with".

Did anything else happen very early in your relationship? Eg very intense quickly, I love you early, key to his place after only a few dates, etc. i ask because these can be red flags for an abusive/controlling relationship.

What was it that made him suddenly give up his player ways? Had he had any serious relationships before you? Without wanting to come across as crass, do you have a lot of money/high income job/own a big house etc? I.e. could he have been interested in settling down for the wrong reasons? I'm sorry for suggesting it and maybe it's a genuine turnaround, but something is ringing an alarm bell to me and I don't want you to get taken for a ride or a fool by this man.

How is he in your relationship? Any signs of controlling you?

I'm asking these questions because I think the answers will help guide you to whether or not he's likely to remain faithful, whether with this "ex" or another woman.

I agree with a PP, I wouldn't touch my ex husband for a trillion pounds.
I also work with an ex and although we chit chat occasionally, the same as I would with any colleague, I wouldn't go there at all.
So the ex thing is a bit of a red herring.

I do understand why you have misgivings though, I would too.

Presumably he's told you she's starting work there though-if he has intentions of restarting anything surely he'd have kept it quiet?

I wouldn't touch any of my exes...bleurgh.....but I would accidentally fall back into a semi flirty, casual connectedness with them. Considering we ve previously been sleep buddies etc, so I guess, if they do bump into each other, there might be an intimacy to how they interact, which could be niggling. I think just wait it out. His ego will be boosted by bumping into her to, especially if she automatically gets informal and smiley and chatty. Try to rise above it.

Our first dates were at his place and for the first 5 months as we were in lockdown.
I moved in after 5 months but I had no reason to have doubts and still don't really
I'm just being a over thinker

Any children, OP?

If this is true, then you have no reason to be asking the question or would be 100% happy to trust your husband.

If he's given you no reason to suspect he might cheat, you need to trust him, or re-evaluate the relationship.

If you think he might cheat, you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

I have none no
He has a 19 year old who went to uni last September

My ex is the last person in the world I'd want to have an affair with!! However, in this case it sounds like your DH really fancied her and was a bit of a player so I admit I'd be nervous. Do you trust him? How much does he value and respect your marriage? If he's a decent person he won't stray no matter how much he fancies her.

Same building or same department? Will they work closely together?
Have you asked him about the situation? I would hate to work with an ex (not because they’ve needed badly but just your personal life being out there).

His reaction will tell you a lot….

Is he likely to have to spend nights away with his ex? Communicate etc?

Do you worry about other women? I wouldn’t have thought an ex would be an attractive prospect to be honest- been there done that, so to speak! The ex may be married with children by now.

I think the worry with me is they were never a proper couple so there's unfinished business maybe

They will be in the same building
Not sure on departments etc

I find it quite shocking how many people are attacking you for being 'jealous', 'insecure', 'not trusting ' etc! IGNORE THEM!

Firstly, as women we need to own the sh*t out of our NATURAL emotions! Then REGULATE them! Your feelings are so dam n natural! I am as secure as any woman can be with my husband! But if put in this situation, God I would probably get sick with worry and anxiety IF I VALUED MY MARRIAGE which I do, and clearly you do too!

I would simply talk to my husband about it and expect him to understand and reassure me of HIS LOYALTY to me and our marriage. Your husband is not superhuman nor an angel and this woman has no reason to respect your marriage! And your relationship is still so very knew, despite being married. We can all be a bit doubtful in 100s of situations. Anyone who acts like they're in a saintly marriage with ZERO insecurities; feel bad for them for putting so much pressure on themselves and their marriage to appear oh so perfect.

Your husband gave you details that clearly show they (him and the other woman) didn't have any real issues, or closure. So your concerns are valid as can be!

When you feel reassured, you then have to put in the work to let it be and not pay mind to it, unless he gave you a reason to be doubtful or suspicious. Your husband sounds a bit like someone who may crack a joke here or there without realising the insensitivity of it and how much that would trigger your anxiety and send your insecurity through the roof. So lay a little grounding on how joking about the situation and any mention of her is off limits. If he respects you enough, and is willing to understand you, this should not be a big ask at all.

Lastly, sorry you're in this situation. I can imagine it sucks. But roll with it, manage it, and keep it moving. We all get tested, as does our marriage, and no one likes their tests. This happens to be yours. You got this ;-)

A job is a job, he can get another. Marriage is far more important.
Personally I would be very uncomfortable with my husband working along side an ex - I think most women would despite what many on here say! You don't know until it happens, right?

If my ex came to work with me, who I have zero feelings for, I would see how uncomfortable that would make my husband feel and I would transfer/start looking for another job.

Love what @Rubiconmango said. Nailed it.

Yeah I think we are all tested aren't we.
So am I being silly?
There's no chance really is there anything will happen?
Ancient history ?

It would piss me off, but there’s nothing you can do. He’s unlikely to stray if he’s happy at home. (Hopefully they’ll be in different departments.)

Also the fact that she wanted to date him doesn’t mean she’ll want to sleep with a married man, most women wouldn’t. If anything she’ll probably be offended that he proposed to someone else but wouldn’t even date her.

Just keep reminding yourself that you were the woman who made him want to settle down.

No one can answer that op. No one can say that anyone in the world won't cheat. There are no guarantees with anything in life. If he's going to cheat then he will.

If you have good open communication in your marriage then speak to him. If he's a loving non cheating husband then hopefully he would settle your nerves and understand why you might feel anxious.

Also - sorry if this has been asked but what's to say she would want him anyway? Especially now he's married? What's to say she's not in a relationship or seeing someone?

Out of all the places on the planet to work, she ends up where he works.

I don't think I'd be too worried about her.

I'd be worried about his core values that made him disrespect women so much. That seldom changes.

Sometimes men are upfront like that as an excuse when they revert to form.
"You can't be upset with me! I told you how I was!"

Truthfully? It could go either way. There's just too many unknowns, and his classic 'she went a bit crazy' won't even be close to the full story.
Few break ups are mutual. Usually one didn't want it to end, and in some cases, when they meet up again the one who was dumped tries to rekindle things. Your husband by his own admission, has a history of poor self control (where she's concerned) and of treating women badly. I think you need to be on your guard.
But then, given his history you probably should be anyway until he's had a few more years to prove he's changed.