My relationship is Rubbish but don’t want to be a single mum

[ERMS21]

I don’t know where to start. Had a whirlwind romance and got (planned) pregnant after 6 months. Little girl is now 10 months and ever since I got pregnant my relationship has just gone down the drain.

my partner has lied to me for 18 months for his drug use / addiction. Has a drinking problem. Would rather make plans with his friends for a night out than plan something nice with me. He was awful to me when pregnant, always out drunk / on drugs, lies after lies. I got ready for baby on my own, buying all and getting flat ready, he was never there at weekends etc. Since baby came he has been secretly on drugs around us. His drinking is too much for me - 1/2 times a week, and he’s excessive. I’ve always asked him to stop drugs, get help for addiction, and to not drink in excess. And this is a lot where Our arguments start. There have been multiple days I’ve had to look after baby on my own with little sleep because he’s come in at 3am, woke us up, had a go at me, and is too hungover to do anything the next day

I had prenatal depression, and he’d call me dramatic, was incredibly unsupportive. When I had postnatal, he told me to do better, do more. He put so much pressure on me to return to ‘normal’ when that just isn’t a thing for new mums. He has called me horrible names since I’ve been pregnant until today - psycho, nutter, fucked up, lunatic, etc etc when baby came and his family tried to be overbearing and involved, he had no support for me at all!

most recently, I have kept catching illnesses from my daughter, and each time he says I am lying about being ill and refused to help with baby so I can rest - even if I’m visibly sick. I had to go to A&E at the weekend as I found out there I was developing Pneumonia, and he said he thought I only went to A&E to spite him, and that I’m dramatic, lunatic, psycho and to ‘shut the fuck up’ when I asked him to feed our daughter as I felt too ill, ‘it’s nothing’

I feel like a 1950s housewife that does all the housework (I don’t work) and I’m supposed to just be ok with everything he does because he brings In the money (prepregnancy I was very successful, big career) and be a mute little stepford housewife who provides sex, food and smiles on tap

he messaged his drug dealer asking for a hand job. On our first holiday in Mallorca with 5 month old, he was on drugs!! He got pissed 90% of the nights and spent it witj Random other people in the hotel than us - tbh I think this was when I really knew how incompatible we were. All I wanted was nice romantic dinners, and cosy cuddle reading books in bed with our baby next to us.

we constantly argue. Because I’m not happy. How can I be happy with any of this! He broke my trust, repeatedly. He thinks I would fake an illness and go to A&E to spite him!! I’ve rung the police on him last month because I couldn’t take his crap anymore and When they came I freaked out and blamed myself!!

when I write all of this, I know it sounds awful. I even question myself why I am with him. But he definitely isn’t all bad. He is a good dad, and does do a lot for baby even though he works. Most days he’ll ask if I need anything, and nothing is actually too much for him - he’s happy to play his part if I ask. He asks how I am. He took my parents away on holiday 2 months ago Etc. Ok I’m really pulling at strings here. We can have really lovely times together, like our walks & lunches etc.

he used to be my best fiend and I’d tell him everything. Now I don’t see the point. He doesn’t care. He makes no time for me, I wish he did.

we don’t laugh that much though. I really enjoy our times cosy on the couch and watching reality tv etc in the eve, but more recently has said it’s not ‘fun’ but for me that’s my highlight of the day when he gets home and we do that

I crave his love. I wish he loved me and cared for me in the way I need. I just want to be able to have serious conversations with him without feeling scared. Not to feel boring like he’s told me I am. I am not perfect, I have changed alot since pregnancy. I’m not as fun as I used to be, but seriously who is!! I know I’m normal. But again I am not perfect. I am
needy, and lonely as a new mum. I called the police on him. I rant at him on messages for hours. I don’t drink. I’m a neat freak. I have insulted his family to him, I always ask him to leave and sleep
on couch. I HAD anger issues (no longer), I have very little social life and can’t really be bothered anymore. But I also know alot of our problems wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him
it’s not that I can’t accept blame, but I spent my whole 31 years before him blaming myself so everything that I can’t anymore. I always accept
if I’m actually wrong though

I don’t know what to do. I do love him. But I feel like it’s falling. I threaten to break up all the time, but if he mentions it my heart drops and my life feels over. I don’t want to be a single mum. I can’t afford to be a single mum. And I most certainly do not want my baby to have a second mum, and I have no interest in being with anyone else ever. Our baby deserves to have a happy family, her mum and dad together. A family home. One bedroom etc. no animosity. I don’t know how to do that though or if it’s too late

most recently, I have kept catching illnesses from my daughter, and each time he says I am lying about being ill and refused to help with baby so I can rest - even if I’m visibly sick. I had to go to A&E at the weekend as I found out there I was developing Pneumonia, and he said he thought I only went to A&E to spite him, and that I’m dramatic, lunatic, psycho and to ‘shut the fuck up’ when I asked him to feed our daughter as I felt too ill, ‘it’s nothing’

sounds like a good dad. Constantly on something and refusing to care for his baby’s basic needs

Just leave him.
if you have any family or friends to go and stay with, please do so, for your own and baby’s safety and well being. Get out now. Whilst you can. You can figure the rest out as you go.

Yeah, reframing it as a 'whirlwind romance' doesn't make it any better 🙄

You think about what is best for the child you decided to have with a stranger or you don't. What do you honestly think is going to be best for her in the long run? Being raised in the shitshow you are exposing her to now or being raised away from that? Go from there, but I suggest some counselling at the very least going forward, whatever choice you make for your baby.

Your daughter deserves better than a drug addict and an alcoholic who is abusive to her mother.
Is that a happy family home you want her to grow up in? Really????

You need to stop thinking about your long ago ‘whirlwind romance’ and realise you made a huge mistake getting together with a stranger you didn’t know. You need to put her needs above your ‘love’ fantasies and get out of there.

In the same account he has been a good for nothing druggie who leaves you to do everything and is too hungover to care for his child, to being a great dad who can't do enough for you. Which is it?

I'm really sorry but you have to think about your daughter primarily here -I get you don't want to be a single mum, but you have a responsibility to protect her from what you and her are experiencing at the moment. You have to leave as soon as you can. Is this practically possible?

Regardless of how many bedrooms you’d like to give your child, everything you say about her father in your second paragraph means that he’s not fit to be around her.

I’m a single mum and it’s fucking brilliant.

whilst I have chosen to remain single I’ve a fair list of “red-flags” for any potential partner including, but not limited to:

✅gets hand jobs from drug dealers (who knew???)
✅uses drugs/alcohol
✅doesn’t accuse me of faking illness
✅doesn’t call me a crazy lunatic
✅doesn’t treat me like the maid

quite basic stuff really.

seriously, cut your losses. It took me 6 years longer than it should’ve to extricate myself from a dickhead.

I was in a similar situation and went back to work full time when my son was 8 months old and kicked him out. Been single ever since (7 years). It's not easy to start with but you'll get there.

Ah I was never going to say this on mumsent cos you can’t put them back but you planned a baby with someone you knew for 6 months!?

He’s a mess, you would be well rid. I would say Dh is a decent dad - stuff he does

he is not off his face all the time
regularly takes DD out without me (she’s a toddler so utter pain in the arse)
cooks for her
feeds her
Bathes her, brushes her teeth
plays/reads with her every day
sits up with her at night when she’s had a nightmare (3 hours last night)

That should be the basic you expect from your DP, women do it everyday.

I think you need to get some perspective on what a good relationship and a good father looks like. Honestly I think you could do with talking to a therapist about how low your expectations are for you and your DD. If you had a really well paying job before you can absolutely go back to that.

This is no life for you, you can do so much better for yourself. It is so important that you model healthy relationships for your daughter, you are setting the blueprint for what she thinks normal relationships look like and what to expect from men. You want her to expect to be treated with kindness, consideration and respect. If your partner calls you a lunatic etc don’t be surprised if in 20 years your DD thinks its normal for her dp to call her names either. Take a good hard look at your life and think about whether you want the same for her. I’m sorry to be so harsh I really am, I wasted years on an abusive dickhead myself and the freedom of not having to deal with that shit felt like a weight lifted off me. You can leave and you can be happier.

You need to get your career back now.

Then live apart.

my partner has lied to me for 18 months for his drug use / addiction. Has a drinking problem.

And you didn't spot this before you got pregnant? Really?

You are in an abusive relationship.

Your self esteem will not improve with him.

He will not give up drugs

Abusive partners aren't awaful all the time the nice bits are to remind you what you want but that is the act.

Most times anyone writes he is a good dad he isn't.. for the reasons pp mentioned.

You and your dd deserve better

You need to get back to work and leave him. No amount of wishing will make it a happy home, you're stuck on what you thought you had but you're living with a drug addict that you've had to phone the police on. Its not safe to raise your child with him, it won't change, take it from everyone who's been there before.

I just want to be able to have serious conversations with him without feeling scared.

This is why you should leave. You want a happy family ending here but it is not going to happen. He is an alcoholic and drug addict - they rarely make good father figures as they are too selfish. As your child gets older this is the example of a relationship they will have.

Cut your losses and leave.

I know you're upset and I'm sorry things have turned out this way, but your baby deserves so much more than this. Being brought up around a drug addict who abuses her mum and refuses/is unable to do even the most basic of parenting? Walking on eggshells because she never knows when daddy will be high/drunk/hungover and how he will behave? Watching mum let someone treat her like shit and taking the blame for it? Please please don't let your daughter grow up thinking this is what "love" looks like. He's a terrible man, a worse father and you now need to put your daughter first and get her out of this toxic situation.

He isn't ever going to be the man you want him to be!

He is showing you that all the time.

Don't bring your Dd up around a man like this.

You are wanting something that sadly is not going to be possible with this man.

I can't believe that you call him a good dad in your post! If you were a lying abusive addict, would you consider yourself a good mum? Wtf are your standards so low? You need to put your DD first and leave this relationship.

Your subject line says you don't want to be a single mum but the reality is, you already are. You're doing all the caring for your daughter and it seems the only thing your partner brings to the relationship is the money so you can stay at home.

But there is a much, much better life available to you! Imagine what it would be like to wake up in peace, not worrying about his next bender or cruel insult? For the sake of your wee one, please get out of this situation. Yes, money might be tight but it's 100% worth it to live a life free of fear, neglect and abuse. Is there someone you can stay with temporarily?

You say you want a happy home/family life for your DD. You are Never going to get that from him, it's not an option.

You are cutting him slack while being really hard on yourself.

You are already effectively a single mum.

Please leave this relationship. Put a CMS claim in and don't let him have contact while he's drinking and using.

Our baby deserves to have a happy family, her mum and dad together.

Half of that statement is possible but the second half is not.

Please think about what your child will be witnessing as they grow up. Do you have family and friends you can lean on until you can find a new job?

What happened to your pre-pregnancy career? Are you on maternity leave or have you stopped working altogether? The first thing I’d do is get a job, that way you’re not dependent on him and can make choices for you and your child.

He isn’t the man you imagined him to be, and that isn’t going to change. Your child deserves to be safe first and foremost and that isn’t a safe environment for either of you. Single parenthood may not have been what you planned but it’s a much better option than living with a drug using, abusive man.

Why on earth would you think being a single mum would be worse than being in a relationship like that?

i left my ex who has a drink problem, who belittled me and offered me no support. Best thing I ever did. Life is peaceful and I am happy.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your child? He’s not a good dad if he’s constantly drinking/on drugs. He’s not a good dad if that is how he treats you.

get a job and get out.

Run for the hills. I wish I had done. We've (me and the DC) wasted so much of our lives seeing a horrible man run himself into the ground and us with him. I'm ripping the plaster off once and for all.