My relationship is Rubbish but don’t want to be a single mum

[ERMS21]

I don’t know where to start. Had a whirlwind romance and got (planned) pregnant after 6 months. Little girl is now 10 months and ever since I got pregnant my relationship has just gone down the drain.

my partner has lied to me for 18 months for his drug use / addiction. Has a drinking problem. Would rather make plans with his friends for a night out than plan something nice with me. He was awful to me when pregnant, always out drunk / on drugs, lies after lies. I got ready for baby on my own, buying all and getting flat ready, he was never there at weekends etc. Since baby came he has been secretly on drugs around us. His drinking is too much for me - 1/2 times a week, and he’s excessive. I’ve always asked him to stop drugs, get help for addiction, and to not drink in excess. And this is a lot where Our arguments start. There have been multiple days I’ve had to look after baby on my own with little sleep because he’s come in at 3am, woke us up, had a go at me, and is too hungover to do anything the next day

I had prenatal depression, and he’d call me dramatic, was incredibly unsupportive. When I had postnatal, he told me to do better, do more. He put so much pressure on me to return to ‘normal’ when that just isn’t a thing for new mums. He has called me horrible names since I’ve been pregnant until today - psycho, nutter, fucked up, lunatic, etc etc when baby came and his family tried to be overbearing and involved, he had no support for me at all!

most recently, I have kept catching illnesses from my daughter, and each time he says I am lying about being ill and refused to help with baby so I can rest - even if I’m visibly sick. I had to go to A&E at the weekend as I found out there I was developing Pneumonia, and he said he thought I only went to A&E to spite him, and that I’m dramatic, lunatic, psycho and to ‘shut the fuck up’ when I asked him to feed our daughter as I felt too ill, ‘it’s nothing’

I feel like a 1950s housewife that does all the housework (I don’t work) and I’m supposed to just be ok with everything he does because he brings In the money (prepregnancy I was very successful, big career) and be a mute little stepford housewife who provides sex, food and smiles on tap

he messaged his drug dealer asking for a hand job. On our first holiday in Mallorca with 5 month old, he was on drugs!! He got pissed 90% of the nights and spent it witj Random other people in the hotel than us - tbh I think this was when I really knew how incompatible we were. All I wanted was nice romantic dinners, and cosy cuddle reading books in bed with our baby next to us.

we constantly argue. Because I’m not happy. How can I be happy with any of this! He broke my trust, repeatedly. He thinks I would fake an illness and go to A&E to spite him!! I’ve rung the police on him last month because I couldn’t take his crap anymore and When they came I freaked out and blamed myself!!

when I write all of this, I know it sounds awful. I even question myself why I am with him. But he definitely isn’t all bad. He is a good dad, and does do a lot for baby even though he works. Most days he’ll ask if I need anything, and nothing is actually too much for him - he’s happy to play his part if I ask. He asks how I am. He took my parents away on holiday 2 months ago Etc. Ok I’m really pulling at strings here. We can have really lovely times together, like our walks & lunches etc.

he used to be my best fiend and I’d tell him everything. Now I don’t see the point. He doesn’t care. He makes no time for me, I wish he did.

we don’t laugh that much though. I really enjoy our times cosy on the couch and watching reality tv etc in the eve, but more recently has said it’s not ‘fun’ but for me that’s my highlight of the day when he gets home and we do that

I crave his love. I wish he loved me and cared for me in the way I need. I just want to be able to have serious conversations with him without feeling scared. Not to feel boring like he’s told me I am. I am not perfect, I have changed alot since pregnancy. I’m not as fun as I used to be, but seriously who is!! I know I’m normal. But again I am not perfect. I am
needy, and lonely as a new mum. I called the police on him. I rant at him on messages for hours. I don’t drink. I’m a neat freak. I have insulted his family to him, I always ask him to leave and sleep
on couch. I HAD anger issues (no longer), I have very little social life and can’t really be bothered anymore. But I also know alot of our problems wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him
it’s not that I can’t accept blame, but I spent my whole 31 years before him blaming myself so everything that I can’t anymore. I always accept
if I’m actually wrong though

I don’t know what to do. I do love him. But I feel like it’s falling. I threaten to break up all the time, but if he mentions it my heart drops and my life feels over. I don’t want to be a single mum. I can’t afford to be a single mum. And I most certainly do not want my baby to have a second mum, and I have no interest in being with anyone else ever. Our baby deserves to have a happy family, her mum and dad together. A family home. One bedroom etc. no animosity. I don’t know how to do that though or if it’s too late

Poor child, what a fucked up mess. I bet the OP is still with him clinging on to the crumbs he throws her. But it’s ok because ‘he’s a good Dad’.

He's NOT a good dad.
You WERE both very silly and quite frankly, immature, to have a baby with someone you'd only known for 6 months. You cannot possibly know if they would be good parent material to a child after such a short space of time. Clearly proven in your post.
You are NOT a good mother if you choose to stay in such a toxic volatile relationship that will UNDOUBTEDLY seriously & negatively affect your DD.

This is one of the most cut & dry, black & white posts I've ever seen on here. Drugs, alcoholism, abusive, lying, hand jobs from drug dealers, refusing to help when you're ill, cruel name calling, being financially dependent on him while he blows money on selfishness

You need to leave
Your dd didn't ask for any of this madness. But it's up to you to put it right, because he sure as hell isn't going to.

Growing up with an addict father in her life will damage your baby infinitely more than you leaving him will. End it, get back to the workplace, be a successful single mum and leave this piece of human flotsam behind.

New year, fresh start. Youll feel so much better without this deadbeat living with you

The bar of what some think a ‘good dad’ is, is just set so low. It’s really sad.

Oh, ok. I was going to say, at least you know for the future that it's unwise to bring a baby into such a new relationship where you can't possibly know your partner well enough. You've admitted you didn't realise then about the drink and drugs issues - don't you see that another couple of years with him would have revealed that to you?

Anyway, single motherhood is great. I had about seven years of it and being able to focus on my DC and my friends, with no one dragging me down, was just brilliant. Lots of very happy memories of times with my kids from that time. Also their dad's relationship with them got better because I wasn't there to do everything so he had to step up a bit.

Why are you not back at work? Why would you rely on an abusive man for money when you admit to having a good career pre-pregnancy? You need to get childcare sorted, return to work/get a new job ASAP and become financially independent because one thing is for sure, this man is not a keeper.

Exactly what I thought but didn't have the guts to say. Utter bullshit.

Looking at the OP’s more recent thread she’s still utterly immersed in this shit show only now he’s her fiancé.

He’s quite obviously not a good dad.

you are right your child deserves a happy home so give it to her! living on your own in a calm environment with no one calling you names and treating you badly would be so much better wouldnt it?

Fgs woman up, if not doing it for you what about for your daughter?
It will be ok, surely it couldn’t be worse than it is now at times.
you can do it, and actually you have to put your big girl pants on and do it as it’s not just about you anymore.

Baby is already here so not sure why people are commenting on that - nothing will change the past.

@ERMS21 you need to look at providing a safe home for your child, an abusive drug addict is no way to provide her with the family she deserves. You can do this, you were successful in your role before you had the baby and you can be successful again - be an amazing role model for your baby and save her (and yourself) from this awful relationship.

6 months is nothing regardless of lock down. You haven't seen each other in all different life situations by 6 months.
I don't think you should be judged for having baby that quickly at all. And I don't think you should regret having your child - of course not. But you insisting that it was a responsible decision on your part just shows your irresponsibility. You live in a fantasy land and the sooner you wake up the better for you and your child.

Hi OP, do you not want to be a single mum or do you just not want to be single?

You honestly think it's okay for your daughter to be in your partner's presence when he's high? That is so, so messed up on so many levels, you're deluding yourself..

And I most certainly do not want my baby to have a second mum, and I have no interest in being with anyone else ever.

I'm afraid it's no longer about what you want anymore but what is best for your daughter. And clearly this relationship with this man isn't. What's done is done and you can't change the past, now the best thing to do is admit that this relationship has no future and the best thing to do now is move on from it.

Get childcare & cleaner sorted and get back into your career. You are going to need the money.

He may sort his shit out, but then again he may not & become the kind of drug addict or alcoholic people cross the street to avoid. Who knows, don't hang around any longer than you have to finding out.

He will never be a good father to your daughter. Give yourself the chance to find someone who will be. There are plenty of decent men out there, he's not one of them.