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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To never get over him.

62 replies

Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 15:35

I split up from my boyfriend 3 years ago. I miss him every day and feel sad. I want nothing more than for us to be friends again. I would take that. But it won’t happen.

we broke up because it wasn’t working out but I look back now and I’ve changed so much, see things differently.

we’ll never get back together, never be friends, never talk to each other. And it just makes me so sad. Every day I carry this sadness round with me. I can’t reach out to him. Im not sure why I’m posting because I don’t think anyone can help me. It’s just something that I accept I have to live with forever. And I do accept it. But every day I walk around with a feeling of melancholy and every day I think of him.

It’s been three years. I can’t tell anyone in real life but I just wanted to say that here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 16:25

a hopeful bump. today I just really want to tell someone how sad I feel.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 10/10/2022 16:26

Why can't you contact him?

Derbybound2022 · 10/10/2022 16:26

Just contact him? Flowers

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 16:28

I don’t think he wants to be friends. Our relationship was quite painful and I think he would give me the brush off. We work in the same industry and occasionally bump into each other but I don’t want to make it awkward.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 10/10/2022 16:30

have you have some counselling about this? I think it would help you to move on.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 10/10/2022 16:32

Find someone new. Who excites and engages you. That'll do it.

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 16:45

I had counselling for 2 1/2 years. It was really helpful but I think I just got to a point where I accepted I had to accept this.

I don’t seem to be interested in anyone else. Online dating has ever worked for me. I meet few people generally though that is true.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 17:09

He's filling a hole in you. Work out what it is that this pernicious 'love' is giving you, and that'll help you fill the hole in yourself, without needing to use him as a tool.

Ontobetterthings · 10/10/2022 17:15

Is he seeing someone else? Might be worth sending him a msg if he is single

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 17:17

I don’t think he is seeing someone else. But I can’t bring myself to message him. I think he would politely and kindly rebuff me. And it would be heartbreaking for me.

out of curiosity, why do people think I should get in touch? I was expecting most people to say not to contact him.

OP posts:
AnApparitionQuipped · 10/10/2022 17:19

Is it him you are sad about, or that end of that period of your life? It's easy to focus on a person rather than an era. I think you need to work out what is missing in your present life (apart from this man) and focus on addressing that.

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 17:26

It’s him I’m sad about. I think I’m very lonely generally and don’t have much fun anymore. My life is very grey. There’s not much enjoyment in it. I think because I’ve outgrown a lot of friends and my world seems small. But I do miss him.

OP posts:
FistFullOfRegrets · 10/10/2022 17:31

TRY to let my experience help you, let some good come of it!

I split up with 'the love of my life' we really had planned on growing old together, but life had its own plans...

I moved on, on the surface. But my heart didn't. I had relationships which I enjoyed, but they didn't work out. It wasn't until I was much older that I realised my heart had just not moved on. This properly fucked up my life. I got too old to have kids and I'm now single, in my mid 50's. I have medical issues & it's all a bit shit.

no matter how much you love him, let it go and move forward, making sure your heart is moving too.

it's my biggest regret in life, that I didn't move on 'complete'.

DatingDinosaur · 10/10/2022 17:54

You’re afraid of getting over him and would rather cling to the sadness? Why is that?

What’s stopping you reaching out to him? Fear he might say yes? Or fear you might get the closure on this you don’t really want?

You clearly don’t like feeling like this but, like Watchkeys says, you haven’t filled that gap with anything else. It’s pointless looking elsewhere for love because your heart’s literally not in it but you’ve described a vast emptiness of nothing as your life. No wonder you’re dwelling – too much thinking time. Change that. Only you can. Hobbies. New friends. A project.

You’ve become addicted to feeling sad about a “what was”. That’s all.

Why not become angry at him for still being in your heart and thoughts after all this time? Preventing you from living your life and moving on? How dare he? Every time he gets in your head tell him to fuck off and how dare he have such control over your feelings after all this time… and go and do something (even if it’s clean the bathroom).

CousinKrispy · 10/10/2022 18:00

Big hugs, OP. it's very painful, I'm sure.

I agree that you should embrace moving on. If your life feels grey, that's probably not because you split up with someone three years ago, but because perhaps you are depressed and not letting yourself move on.

Could you do additional counseling? What other things in your life do you enjoy?

I know sometimes we just need to express the way we feel, without someone offering advice.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 18:01

Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 17:26

It’s him I’m sad about. I think I’m very lonely generally and don’t have much fun anymore. My life is very grey. There’s not much enjoyment in it. I think because I’ve outgrown a lot of friends and my world seems small. But I do miss him.

What are you doing to sort out the lonely grey feeling? This isn't about your relationship with him, you know. It's about your relationship with you.

Of course you miss him; he's the living representative of 'happy, fulfilled life' to you. But there are lots of ways to have a happy and fulfilled life, and you need to find one. It's like energy: you can't just remove it, it has to change into something else. It never just vanishes. So, these feelings you have for him, you can't just make them stop. You have to replace them. Crowd them out.

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 18:03

I’m terrified he might say yes as I just don’t want to be hurt again. But I’m more terrified he might say no.

you are right though. Everything you say is true. I’m not depressed but I do feel like I have lost all zest for life. I feel tired and emotionally empty. I am addicted to the sadness. I think I’m scared to forget him too. I don’t want to truly believe it can’t be.

OP posts:
WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 18:03

Why are you telling OP to message her ex three years later?! It’s creepy, obsessive and, frankly, scary.

I have to repeatedly - as in every 6-9 months - block yet another email account that my ex has set up to email me with to tell how much he misses me. This is two years down the line.

minticecreamisjustok · 10/10/2022 18:07

I wouldn't contact him, it didn't work out before so he wasn't right for you.

I agree with others, something else is missing in your life and you are hoping he can fill that void. You don't need him. Find an interest and be open to finding someone else too, he is only one man and there will be others than you can find exciting, you need to change your mindset.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 18:27

What are you interested in, OP? Try to get off the subject of him, and how he might feel and how he might respond and what he might do... this is your life. He's not the 'God', or overarching authority on anything; he's just a bloke. An ordinary feller you'd never heard of, once, and you were perfectly fine back then.

What have you always wanted to do/learn/see/visit/make?

Namechangerr1 · 10/10/2022 18:30

Oh god I feel the same, but it's been 1 year for me instead of 3.

Loachworks · 10/10/2022 18:38

You speak about him like he was the 'one.' How old are you and how long were you together? Had you had other relationships before him? Did you live together?
You are stuck in a circle of grief beginning again every day. Even the tiniest of baby steps would have given you relief by now, especially after two and a half years of therapy. You need to explore other options that will help you with what sounds traumatic. Don't give up on looking for improvements to your life.

Original poster
Plasticworld23 · 10/10/2022 18:44

I don’t know if he was the one. But I feel exhausted. You are all right. I know that.

im so sad in my normal life. It’s compounding everything. We got together when I was 31 -32. I’m 35 now.
I was in a relationship for 8 years before that which almost finished me off. I was so emotionally battered by the end of it.

I think I’ve just given up on it all.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 10/10/2022 18:46

FistFullOfRegrets · 10/10/2022 17:31

TRY to let my experience help you, let some good come of it!

I split up with 'the love of my life' we really had planned on growing old together, but life had its own plans...

I moved on, on the surface. But my heart didn't. I had relationships which I enjoyed, but they didn't work out. It wasn't until I was much older that I realised my heart had just not moved on. This properly fucked up my life. I got too old to have kids and I'm now single, in my mid 50's. I have medical issues & it's all a bit shit.

no matter how much you love him, let it go and move forward, making sure your heart is moving too.

it's my biggest regret in life, that I didn't move on 'complete'.

This is me except i'm early 50s and I do have one DC.

I split with the love of my life so long ago it's embarrassing to admit, and I carried the sadness of that split into almost every relationship I had afterwards. I let it affect almost every aspect of my life and now many, many years later I regret it. I wish I could go back and allow myself to feel the pain, but eventually heal and move on to have a healthy relationship and make better life decisions.

And I say don't contact him. Not because if it didn't work the first time it won't the second time. I don't believe that as I've seen people reconnect and have long, loving relationships. But because you will never trust him not to hurt you again. I always wondered how it would be if my first love came back to me and i know if he did I would forever worry that he would leave me again. I would never trust him not to hurt me that way again and what kind of life is that?

Delete his number and try to reinvigorate your life. Find a distraction. And one day you will realize you haven't felt that sadness for a while. And one day you will meet someone. I was never "healthy" or "open" enough to meet anyone, if I did they just werent "right" or like my first love so I couldn't see past that. I wonder about all the good men I've probably passed by cause I was so engulfed in sadness and memories for my first love.

Don't waste your life like I did, it's not worth it.

tickticksnooze · 10/10/2022 18:53

You're stuck in a pattern and you need to start taking steps to change that pattern of moping and obsessing over him.

You're looking back with rose tinted glasses.

What do you want to start putting into your life now in the present and for your future?