To never get over him.

[Plasticworld23]

I split up from my boyfriend 3 years ago. I miss him every day and feel sad. I want nothing more than for us to be friends again. I would take that. But it won’t happen.

we broke up because it wasn’t working out but I look back now and I’ve changed so much, see things differently.

we’ll never get back together, never be friends, never talk to each other. And it just makes me so sad. Every day I carry this sadness round with me. I can’t reach out to him. Im not sure why I’m posting because I don’t think anyone can help me. It’s just something that I accept I have to live with forever. And I do accept it. But every day I walk around with a feeling of melancholy and every day I think of him.

It’s been three years. I can’t tell anyone in real life but I just wanted to say that here.

I never really understand what ‘I can’t get over XX’ even means. What constitutes not getting over someone on a daily basis? How does one ‘carry sadness around with them’? I’m very sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but stuff like this always makes me come over a bit Flora Post.

You are wasting your thirties on this nonsense. What do you want for your life? Do you want a relationship? Kids? Because you need to actively work towards those things and it doesn’t sound like you’re currently doing so.

If you are not happy with your job, or your social life or your friends, then you need to actively work to change those things.

Languishing and obsessing about a man that doesn’t want you will achieve exactly nothing.

@Tsort has a point, but I am the same OP.
'I can't get over' means, to me, brooding over the ex, thinking of him a lot, dreaming about him... It's hard to switch these things off. Especially when you tell yourself you SHOULD!
I don't know what the answer is OP, sorry.

You were only with him a year?

Jesus, OP could actually be my aforementioned ex, we only dated for a year

I don't think about a special ex if I am super busy or engrossed or doing something new.
Have you tried changing your routine? Have you removed all reminders out of your life? Boxed every little memento and shoved it to the back of a cupboard?

You cannot keep picking at a sore spot and expect it to heal.

Whatever you do, don't contact him. In the unlikely event that he were to be receptive, you'd be worrying endlessly that he might end it again. Leaving you even more devastated and distraught.

Listen to what @Tsort and @Watchkeys are telling you. Especially this:

What are you doing to sort out the lonely grey feeling? This isn't about your relationship with him, you know. It's about your relationship with you.

Your relationship with you. Your engagement with your life - this gift you've been given which is wasting away as you mope around. Your pain and grief and longing for something that is unattainable have become both a crutch and an obstacle.

You need to do 2 things: dig deep into yourself and find what will give your life meaning - and more counseling, with a different counselor, might help you with this. But also go and just do things, things that could be fun, things that will challenge you, new experiences that could open new avenues for you.

The bottom line is that you should not rely on a man to complete your life and give it meaning. YOU have to be enough, in yourself and for yourself. Only then will it be safe for you to consider another serious relationship.

That’s not particularly kind to say I could be your ex, seeing as I haven’t contacted him asking to get back together every few months.

we were together a year and then kept in contact with intense periods for about 18 months-ish after that.

Thank you. I need to find this within myself. I feel like I have a great big gaping vacuum and I need to fill it first myself. I just feel like I’m struggling to do that. I feel overwhelmingly tired and sad.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and thank you for your message. It’s interesting reading what you wrote because I feel like your experience is similar to my 8 year relationship. I carried that sadness and grief with me into this relationship - and I think that’s making it hard to get over this last one because I see now how my past sadness clouded it. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again. But saying that, I don’t feel like I will ever have the energy or want for another relationship.

I really would like to try and give my life more fun and meaning again. The things I used to do don’t fill me with joy anymore and I find it hard to get any interest up.

should I just force myself to do things? I’ve started learning the flute again which I always wanted to do and stopped years ago. I’m just struggling. And aware of how pathetic I sound.

This. I am shocked so many people has said to get in touch with the ex. Don’t do that OP, it’s been 3 years you need to move on and stop obsessing over him. It’s not healthy or right.

Yes, if your natural inclination is to sit at home and brood about the one that got away, you should absolutely force yourself to do things. You’re definitely not ready to date, so don’t do that. Join clubs. Make friends. Take up the flute. Take a Vietnamese cookery class. Take up salsa. Run a marathon. Climb a mountain.

The world is full of delightful things you could be doing, and I promise you won’t be thinking about this idiot as you hike the Inca trail to Machu Picchu. Live your life.

All youve added to the thread is comments about yourself. You need to find another place to address your low self esteem rather than this odd version of bragging on someone's thread for your own selfish validation. The OP is clearly struggling and your using this as some kind of ego stroke?

OP, if you take steps to address your loneliness and other issues in your life, you may find that your focus on your ex shifts somewhat and you think of him less and the less the more fulfilled you feel.

I could have written this about my ex back in the day. I went through phases of feeling like he was "the one" and I'd never find happiness again to understanding that it could have never worked between us. I grew up a lot after we split, I became a much better me. He also matured and it was very difficult to accept that we couldn't get back together and try again as the new and improved people we were but eventually I realised it took us being toxic together then the heartache of the split to provoke those positive changes in me.

I did eventually move on and then met my DH who wouldn't have been with me if id met him the way I was back then. When I met him I realised it all made sense. I got to where I needed to be to be the best me I could be with the love of my life.

My advice is to feel what you feel, let yourself be sad when you need to be but try to work on yourself. Try to grow as a person and be the best you that you can be. Put yourself first and then if you meet someone amazing in the future when you are ready, you will be in the best position for a healthy relationship.

Tell me about it. You NEED to put yourself first. They (men) usually put themselves first. I'm planning on having that mindset in future even if I'm doing things that I would usually think are selfish x

I feel for you. I’m late 50’s. Split with the love of my life when l was 31. He walked out on me and Ds

It took me 5 years to feel anything like normal. I still think about him and miss him every single day. I’m remarried and very happy, but he was my soul mate.

I’ve had endless counselling, anti depressants, but none of it changed anything. Only time changed anything.

The only thing that did come to the fore was the fact that my dd died when l was 7, and l have abandonment issues. It didn’t change anything though.

No, I replied because so many PPs were actively encouraging the OP to engage in creepy behaviour, it is not bragging, it’s horrible to be on the receiving end of and frankly, anyone who is still this obsessed with someone they had a short relationship with years later is the one with huge issues, not me.

@Plasticworld23 - to get ready to run a marathon or climb a mountain, you first need to get fit......... which in itself is a very effective way of getting our of a rut and find new energy for living!

Do you exercise? I strongly recommend at least 40 minutes a day, preferably more. You don't need to join a gym if you don't want to - so many effective workouts to be found on YouTube. Try these:

Lucy Wyndham Read - thighs & glutes (Lucy is very good for beginners)
Rebecca Louise - Best Abs and Ageless Arms (a step up from Lucy; but turn off her chatter if it annoys you...)
Growingannanas - one of the best HIIT trainers around (with/without dumbbells, and do it at your own pace)
Heather Robertson - excellent all round trainer
Caroline Girvan - the very best!! (But you have to be fairly fit - she's serious about using weights!)

All you need is a mat, a pair of dumbbells (3-5 kg to start with), and a (fairly strong) resistance band - plus an exercise bra😁

NB: do you eat healthily? A diet rich in lean protein and lots of vegetables can help improve your mood.

Yes to all of these! Also, Sydney Cummings. She’s super peppy and her 30 minute tabata workouts were my cardio gateway drug during lockdown.

Yes. Look up "behavioural activation". It's a CBT (evidence-based) strategy for depression that basically amounts to forcing yourself to do things until you enjoy them again.

Once you get into a pattern of habitually doing more activities, the motivation and enjoyment gradually follow. If you wait for the motivation to arrive before you do anything, you'll spend another 3 years feeling low.

Start gradually adding more positive activities like the flute into your diary. For instance, you could schedule 10 minutes every day for the first week and then increase to 15 minutes the next week, etc. Then add 10 minutes of another activity and build that up too.

If things feel very overwhelming, starting with 10 minute segments and building up gradually tends to be more successful than trying to leap into lengthy busy scheduling.

Life is short and we only get 1 go at it - I think you should contact him

okay there’s a chance he will reject you and yes it’ll hurt and you’ll be sad and heartbroken but that’s how you’re already feeling now, and ag least you’d have some kind of certainty that it’s never going to work out. Where as at the moment you’re in a limbo

i met DP when I turned 18 and fell in love, was besotted with him but we were only very casual for a couple of years until we got into a proper relationship. After 4 years we broke up and to say o was heartbroken is an understatement. I know the feeling of living life but not living it happily. Our story is slightly different in that eventually he got back in contact with me but to cut a long story short, 5 years later we are living together with a baby and life couldn’t be better.

contact him

The Op was with him for a year after getting out of a damaging relationship. They've been broken up 3 times as long as they were together. I fail to see how encouraging false hope and further hurt is helpful. She's not you, it's in no way comparable.

You need goals, things to look forward to, different fun things.

If it was me I'd plan to travel. Shag some unsuitable men in places no one knows you. Swim in the ocean, climb a mountain, trek something, bike somewhere, shark cages and safaris.

Make some memories that don't have him in them.

That’s incredibly unkind and disingenuous. The behaviour of your ex made you feel uncomfortable but it isn’t what I have done. I have not contacted him to get back together repeatedly, and no one has encouraged doing that repeatedly in the way you say was done to you. Please don’t twist this to suit your narrative.

obviously I do have huge issues which is why I posted to get some help and advice. But I am not your ex and your snidey comment earlier saying I could be was rude and unkind. check yourself.

I actually think my ex was a very decent and kind person which makes it harder. If he did speak to someone in the way you’ve done when they’re feeling down, no doubt I wouldn’t be feeling this way. So yes, I agree with you your ex’s behaviour is odd. I wouldn’t be coming back to you.

Thank you. I can see this completely. Whilst I feel so sad about what I’ve gone through, it has made me grow and change much more. Albeit with a lack of lust for life now. I just need to find it again.